Colors

My First Glimpse of Heaven

Long golden hair, coffee-stained eyes, unforgiving rosy cheeks. She was wearing a purple floral dress walking into Marty's Cafe clumsily with her cheap plastic sunglasses sitting comfortably on top of her head. Anabelle had a few letters in her mouth but still managed to greet anyone that walks passed her. As she got ready for work, she produced a guilty dimpled smile till her vanilla white teeth were shown and nodded to a group of pensioners sitting right at the corner. One of them shouted ''If I were still young, you wouldn't continuously turn me down at all missy!''. She giggled and playfully showed them her sweet-and-sour strawberry tongue while walking towards the counter. She stretches both her arms aligned, pointing up at heaven and quickly wore a semi-dirty checkered apron. Soon, she nonchalantly closed her pair of eyes for a few milliseconds, clearly enjoying the coffee scent before pursing her lips slowly. Her love for the coffee-making business was visible to everyone.

After a few hours of hard work, she wore her inexpensive sunnies and walked out of the cafe to reward herself with a cup of coffee and an already opened yellow sunflower pack of cigarettes. She sat on the light green wooden stairs that lead to the storeroom while watching the BBQ smoke vehicles passing through Lonsbay Town. A thick mist was slowly being formed around her from the cigarette smoke that made her appearance look mysteriously elegant. She sat cross-legged with her head resting on the higher supporting leg. Then, tears started dripping, rolling down from her cheeks. She looked around to make sure no one had noticed her visible tears. She then managed to find the energy to push herself up from her sadness and walked down the stairs. Accidentally, she dropped her cigarettes and looked at them strangely. So she closed her pair of tear stained eyes, breathing in and out heavily. Suddenly thinking of her childhood memories in this town.


''Don't get lost okay, Ana?'' said a random guy. Anabelle was astonished and opened her eyes immediately. She lit up with a smile. It was Athur, a regular customer who gets his free coffee every afternoon.
She replied '' Hi Love, Coffee?''.
''That's why I am here for, honey.''

Daydream delusion,
limousine eyelash,
oh, baby with your pretty face,
drop a tear in my wineglass,
look at those big eyes,
see what you mean to me,
sweet cakes and milkshakes,
I am a delusioned angel,
I am a fantasy parade,
I want you to know what I think,
dont want you to guess anymore,
you have no idea where I came from,
we have no idea where we’re going,
launched in life,
like branches in the river,
flowing downstream,
caught in the current,
I’ll carry you, you’ll carry me,
that’s how it could be,
don’t you know me?

don’t you know me by now?

Delusion Angel, David Jewell 

Hello Stranger

Somewhere Over A Moody Rainbow

There she was, snoring beautifully and loudly just like her paps, like a fire alarm, like an explosion in the sky. Lying flat with a bouquet of white damaged daisies that she loves so much since young on top of her chest. Skylar woke up to the sound of birds chirping with autumn leaves scattered around her in a nearby park. Her head was throbbing. It really felt as though a gigantic meteor rock just penetrated her head and crushed her brain cells. She started putting the empty alcohol bottles into the brown paper bag from last night's 'Confessions of An Alcoholic' session and threw it into a bin just beside the road. She then took out a cigarette from her jeans pocket and elegantly placed it behind her ear while searching for a cheap lighter in her backpack. Once found, she made magic with it as though the fag was a magic wand. Deeply inhaling the venomous yet happy chemicals and subsequently forming three circular rings of silver out from her mouth. 

Skylar had a shattered heart and an obvious broken smile. She dared herself if any passerby noticed her on the ground and took the initiative to say hi or wave, she would change herself entirely and be better. Sadly no one came. So she sat down on the thin wet grass and finished the whole box of 24 cigarettes as though it was a box of chocolates. She starts combing her red and purple hair naturally with her right palm as a gentle mild breeze rocketed at her. Slowly, she closed her eyes as sunlight penetrated right at her and she remained like that for a few minutes. She was hoping that it was God's way of showing her a sign that He had already listened to her story.

Once the ocean blue eyes were open, waves were crashing in the pupils and there was an old man on his wheelchair moving towards Skylar. He was smiling and waving at the same time. A well rounded man with the biggest pair of glasses in this whole universe wearing a Oakland Athletics cap, faded flamingo coloured T-shirt and brown pants. He had awfully dry skin covered with pure whitish salt moustache and eyebrows. ''Cigarettes are bad for ya kid,'' initiated the old man. 'It's breakfast sweetie,' she coolly replied. The old man was marveled by her answer while raising an eyebrow. He continued talking after a few seconds of pause. 'Oh so.. food! Like protein, carbohydrates yea? So the kids in Africa get to smoke up like a chimney right? to prevent hunger yeh? What on earth are they teaching you in school these days,' The Old man smirked while looking at the lake in front of them. 'I'm Peter by the way.' Skylar gave a huge smile and giggled a little. Skylar enthusiastically shouted ''PETER BITTER LITTER!'' and continued 'I'm sorry. It's a nice thing to do y'knw... for you to talk to me...and I am grateful for that.' 'You're acting as though no one talks to you before. I am glad you are,' 'Are you crying?' inquired Peter.

One great thing all humans have is the power to have emotions. Some say emotions are poisonous like a snake's venom, maybe because of a breakup in a relationship, a divorce in a marriage, a death of a mother, a car crash etc. The good stuffs are everywhere too-a mother laying her eyes on her first born, a child winning a 100m race, a teenage girl finally able to fit into her old pair of skinny jeans after 3 months of vigorous exercise. Well that's not on the news. Is that all to life? Less likely. On that Sunday afternoon, Skylar's tears were visible under the illuminating sun. The drop of tears looked like expensive see-through crystals.  She nonchalantly glanced at Peter and said ''Just an orphan lost in the real world with no hands to hold or heart to feel, Peter. It hurts so much that I feel so invisible...so insecure to others and sometimes it scares me that God is not listening to my prayers. I feel like I really wasted my life.' 

'Young girl, one thing I know about life is that you are gonna lose yourself numerous times throughout your priceless life and it is your duty to find yourself back again. No maps. No hints. Just a beating heart. That's all. Pick yourself up and stand on both feet. Do not waste a second of your lifetime feeling depressed or destroyed by the millions of reason what you are not and how life should be because life is unforeseeable. Accept your flaws because the imperfections are unique and beautiful. Just an orphan you say? So what? Work hard, fight the battle that's in front of ya and don't you dare try to raise the white flag in your heart. Every individual has their own bloody war. And the scars and death..it strengthens you. Fight for what is lost and love. So don't just say you're an orphan and unloved. Go out there and search for it. Find meaning in life.' expressed wisely and calmly by Peter

Skylar listened attentively at what Peter has to say and looked only into Peter's watery eyes when he was talking. She nodded after every sentence. Before leaving the wise old man said ''I hope you find the strength to pick yourself up when you are pushed to the ground. And about being in love... it is the most... frightening yet wonderful thing I have ever done in my life. To love someone, my soulmate. If he or she's the one, they will always find their way back to you in the end. Trust me. Peoples' version of someone being beautiful is manipulative. Make sure you define it clearly with no one else but you, got it? Good bye darling. Such a lovely day isn't it?' He gave that award winning smile again.

When it was over, she went over to hug him tightly like a cosy pillow and offered him a cigarette which he declined. She only said thank you because she didn't know what else to say. While walking back to the orphanage, she thought of that moment when the wind was blowing at her before Peter came along. Maybe it was God she thought. All she knew was she wasn't the same person as before and she did change to be better. 

I want to be magic. I want to touch the heart of the world and make it smile. I want to be a friend of elves and live in a tree. Or under a hill. I want to marry a moonbeam and hear the stars sing. I don’t want to pretend at magic anymore. I want to be magic. - Charles de Lint

“We’re all beautiful, golden sunflowers inside.” — Allen Ginsberg

97

We all have questions about life. Tonnes of them. Millions of them. With that, there are ambiguous answers hidden that we need to search for and fully understand.

But the truth is some of us are not ready to listen to these answers because sometimes the pain felt after listening to the truth and fate’s calling is unbearable like a hunter swiftly piercing a sword into a lion’s heart. The bravest heart I have ever known..

Part II

Nostalgic Prince Charming

It wasn't suppose to be this hard you know, life. One day you are that five year old Prince Charming who is addicted to only dark Cadbury chocolate with sweet black raisins hidden within solidified milk,  cocoa and butter; not forgetting fizzy drinks where I would shake the aluminium can vigorously to annoy the beast living inside that would unleash some gruesome gassy bubbles once I have opened it.
Often I would discard any edible stuff that is related to the colour orange and green. Yucky stuffs I would say. They call it salad if you mix the colours with each other with mayonaise. If you are lucky there will be the colour of red and purple juxtaposing each other. I swear to God the smell was similar to a skunk emitting the rotten liquid odour that will last for a thousand years and its taste will be worst than vomit.

I remember clearly when I was a child, my parents would take me to New Heights Theme Park near Avenue Forth Street away from the bustling city. Both kings and queens with their little prince returning to their kingdom where excitement, tranquility and freedom were measureless, limitless and the throne belong to everyone who enter the massive front door that says ' Welcome Home'. It is true. It was home. My beloved home. I could spend there for hours even days if my parents had not mentioned dinner time to me because I couldn't feel the hunger for food or the thirst for water because they were brilliant distractions - the cotton candy machines, the bumper cars, the ferris wheel, mini roller coaster  ride for kids. 

The only thing I was scared of was going to the dentist. I hated Mr. Clearwater for drilling people's teeth. Can't he see that he is hurting people. It is awful to look at peoples' faces holding their sore jaw as they walk out from his torture chamber. My dad had to extract a teeth one day and I had to follow him  since we were going to the park but I remained outside at the reading corner because it was better that way. After when my dad came out, he smiled crookedly. 'How was it dad?' I asked. He replied 'Like an ant bite kiddo.' I jerked a little when he said that.

Deep Thoughts from Prince Charming 

Trying to revive a memory from our yesterdays is just like saving a patient's live from an unknown disease. It's hard I know. It will take forever but sometimes if we are lucky, the memory will somehow crawl its way back to us suddenly and helplessly just like a sudden hurricane in Texas. The whirlwind dragging along from roots and dead leaves, then magnetising branches and other parts of the trees and subsequently, forming a massive eucalyptus tree which represents the growth of memories that were  lost deep within our galactic rainforest that will show up out of the blue into our  pair of eyes. We will daydream with sunlight pouring onto our faces as we gaze out at the transparent glass window at our homes, subconsciously collecting fragments of memories like colourful legos ready to be build into a vivid movie scene. After that, we will reminiscence and realise how much we want to go back to the past. We will be desperately demanding and seeking for an explanation or will be bidding for something even better- Wanting back our love ones who were once everything to us. Wanting them back into our lonely pair of arms and fragile hearts. Some had it bad, some worst, some had it good, some better but it doesn't matter how it impacted our lives for God sake. 

The past is bitter, it is really like someone dying and you want them back so badly but you just can't. It's an unforgiven sin that you can't change. You just have to keep your chin up because it is impossible. Just like a memory dying. But look on the bright side. There is still so much of love to be felt, so much of happiness and kindness to clean someone's soul, so much of forgiving to be done. It will not take minutes nor hours to rule out something important like this. It takes years so we will  eventually learn and appreciate it. We will learn the hard way so we have brighter days to look for, amazing people to be with and one day, something extraordinary beautiful about us will influence millions around the world to feel what's like to be a someone nonchalant, jubilant and anti-tremulous again. 

The Present, The Future

A conclusion? An end to a book? Just know that I did not die that day. I manage to get proper sleep till today. I couldn't pull the trigger of that shiny silver harmonica pistol at that time. It was definitely a God's test and I truly believe everything happens for a reason. I didn't want to be a lonely ghost in a small town. I wanted to be Mr Cyrus Paxton living in a big city of another country, working hard and earning more than the world could offer. Maybe one day you could see me at the Ferremount Station with the same old rugged look or maybe it was just someone who looked like me or was it my very own ghost? (Hints: I am already 38 so that is obviously not me but I like leaving something behind so the people living in that small town will still talk about until forever. Let it be a myth or a legend or whatever) because everyone thought I was dead even my parents except for my wife of course. Mrs Olivia Paxton, a dentist just like her dad. FYI Dentists still scare the shit outta me. What I do for a living? I am a writer.. writing this to you. 

Part I

Cyrus was that sort of boy who was very cheeky and had a flirtatious habit with other girls around town. He knows girls will fall for that cuteboytalkingtoyousotalk trap. But being the light hearted young boy is just one side of a story, he can also be very cryptical at times. Most people just do not know much about him. He will just wander off instantaneously after school to the Ferrermount Train Station boarding a train without a ticket, without a direction. He never got caught before which was strange because he has been doing this for almost 4 years now. Nobody knows where he usually goes. You see him in the morning and he magically disappears in the afternoon and at night, it is a different darker story. Cyrus always keeps an old fairytale book about the 'The Tale of Young Matilda' given to him on his 11th birthday from his mother before a tragic accident happened to his family. He stays with his aunt after that horrendous incident. (But enough of the past. Lets go to the present). 

August 29th 1998- In an energetic voice pumped out from Cyrus's voice cord ''One day homo sapiens..one day you'll see. I'm gonna be on this roller coaster flying through thin air and maybe I'll see God taking a piss on his holy seat up on the clouds and I'll be shouting ''Surprised yet?~! I can go wherever and whenever I want to.'' After a few laughs, he changed from his frivolous face into a serious looking one, watching the continuous addition of seconds on his plastic digital watch ''Tick- tock Tick- tock. But time is a bitch you see. Can't await till I am gone''. His friends usually ignored him because he does these meaningless talks every morning at 9am before class but Olivia who usually sits beside him in class overheard him that day as she was walking towards her seat. ''Gone? Where are you heading to?'' He cooly replied ' Ah Ms. Olivia Clearwater. Things like these are often kept away from strangers  but for you I'll say New York although it may be untrue ''. Everybody knew he likes her. ''Whatever Cyrus. I don't need to know'' She cut him off immediately.

September 1st 1998- Cyrus came into the classroom in a completely unusual way. He didn't sleep for days judging by the huge eye bags he had that day. He was pale looking and was completely frightened just about everything- peoples' gaze, loud noises from vehicles, his friends, teachers. You could see his green forest eyes had tragically turned into blotchy red slowly burning the forest down, both wrists were coloured with blue-black bruises and freshly painted with bright red scars where certain marks were still bloody.  A 'Scary Colourful Boy'. Olivia noticed it immediately and whispered ''Pssstt Cyrus. What happened to your hand?''. He suddenly breathed in-out heavily and rhythmically. Tears and sweat were dripping down from his face. He was looking at Olivia now. He then left the classroom hastily and aggressively slamming the door behind him. It left Olivia astonished but she remained seated.

September 11th 1998- Cyrus officially went missing on this date. His aunt called the police a few days before. Just an ordinary guy who went missing one day out of the blue. Stern-looking sherifs in their dull beige uniforms came to Olander High School asking all students in every class if they had seen Cyrus's last whereabouts and also useful information to begin their search but failed. On the very same day, the whole town began searching for this missing 18 year old boy. A large group of sheriffs, each took their search-and-rescue dogs around town searching thoroughly for this lost charming boy. It went on and on for several days.

September 20th 1998- Olivia found a letter pasted on the outside of her room window and a book wrapped in red paper placed on a stool outside her balcony. It was from him. She read the letter and cried and cried. She sat at one corner of her room, unmoved and untouched. She opened the first page of the book. It had a quote. The sun was brightly shinning through the window that day but that couldn't heal the sadness from her soul. She didn't tell anyone until on his birthday which was instructed in the letter. 

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.” 
― A.A Milne

The Letter For The Yellow Summer Dress Girl 

Don't bother searching for me right now or tell anyone. Where you asked the other day? Usually I tell lies to people 'California! Rome! Paris! The thing is I don't know. I really don't know. But I know now. I am going to a place where I will hear the laughter of my brother and sister as my mom and dad are swaying gracefully to their wedding song beside a lake where the grass are green as ever, the trees too are dancing to the beautiful melody and the mundane orange sun, not too hot shinning gloriously, creating diamonds on the surface of a beautiful mirror lake. I could picture my mom dressed beautifully in a long white dress, her face thick with make up matching her Ruby coloured lipstick and my dad in a blue tuxedo, looking like a movie star, hair styled like James Dean. The song playing not so loud 'Let me play among the stars..let me see what spring is like ...in other words, baby kiss me.' They were both smiling at each other the whole time. Olivia, everywhere I go, people's happiness destroys me deeply except for my version of my parents dancing. 

Do you ever feel like the people above are calling for you to see them as soon as you are ready? My dad always said 'You are ready when you are ready' Well, Olivia I am ready. I am so ready. Now is the time. So the details are below. Please be on time. I don't like to be kept waiting.  

P.S. Sorry you had to see me in such a mess the other day. Make sure you give the letter to my aunt ON MY BIRTHDAY. 24th September. 

T.A.F

The thing about feelings. It is like an enormous hexagonal shaped diamond plant in our heart. It functions brilliantly if people just let it be because it shines, producing a spectrum full of colours helplessly whenever sunlight travels into the object. Just like the emotions from our heart when a scenario had happened-A furious and stressful father, a scared and nervous brother going for war and a loving mom kissing a child's forehead before he sleeps. All of these creates something beautiful in life. There will be ups and downs, fairness and unfairness, life and death, love and hate but life is full of surprises. Life is like a road trip. Life is like going into a supermarket without any shopping list and just getting items you never thought of. Life is like a black bird flying wherever it can- north, south, east, west.

But once there was a man who told his son'' Toughen up boy! Boys do not cry. It embarrasses me that you are fucking weak''. So he did what everyone would automatically do right after having been told off by his own father. He stopped crying, cared less and ignored the consequences thinking he is a brave man with a metallic heart...not forgetting buried feelings. Every question asked by his dad was always a '' Yes/No sir or Yes/No Mr''. He was more like an employee than a son. It went on like this for a long time because when we were young, your dad was a superman. Your dad was someone special on a rare baseball card. Your dad was a celebrity on the Oprah Winfrey show.

Then, one day after coming back from university, he saw his old man cried in the general hospital. The mother/wife has just died due to a brain tumour. That point of time, tears were streaming down his porcelain face. The tears flowed like a waterfall till it turned into drops, dripping internally and gently to the metallic heart. The metals were slowly ripping apart till the heart can be seen glowing. The warmth, guilt and pleasant feeling. After awhile, it shone so bright like a set of fireworks lit up at night during a new year. The son, Jamie hugged his dad and told his dad '' It's alright dad.'' They remained like that for a few minutes. Both of them didn't want to let go of each other. They suddenly thought of their son/brother who never came back after the war too. This is real they thought. It wasn't a bad dream. 

A Speech At The Funeral.

''..I was wrong, J. So wrong. Every man has the right to feel whatever they want...My wife, my lover, you'll be home..where the heart is''. He pointed up to the sky with his index finger and looked at the mourners for a few seconds. ''We bury and neglect every feeling inside thinking it is wise decision to do so. We usually engulf the sadness and only give a smirk when we are happy. All those feelings will eventually develop a heavy chest. It is like drinking vast amount of whisky but instead of fucking up the liver. It is destroying the heart. When sunlight travels into a piece of diamond, a burst of colours are formed..just like feelings pumped out from the heart. Enjoy that moment when it is at bliss, make it a lesson when you are disappointed or sad. Just let it be. You are not man enough? No that's not right. Are you human enough to have felt it?'' 

Brave heart, Rudy. Brave heart.

Reminder

Was stargazing under a full moon after the automated lights were switch off. The guys started distributing their candy wrappers to one another and started puffing in the dark. It really looked like fireflies. So there we were, joking and laughing till our stomachs ache from laughter and ‘crazy’. It was perfect.

D.C.

''It is difficult to talk about the what ifs and should bes in life to your ownself, it takes forever. Believe me, I tried. Don't fret because it gets better. I am gonna tell you a story on how I survived this great disaster. This story is gonna make you feel infinite. This story is going to be like a tsunami wave crashing towards you and you manage to survive it. This story is gonna make you wanna jump when no one is looking from the tallest building in the city of angels and you survive it. But now is not the time. P.S. I am a good liar, ''said Charlie

(''I have just five minutes to change your mind eh, Charlie? Be patient Charlie. Let me speak. Let patience flow through your veins, arteries and nerves. Let patience not play mind games with you anymore and let patience wash away the sympathies, regrets and agonies. I see the scars all over your hand buddy. Silence is one hect of a scary sound when you are alone but sometimes you just have to keep calm and understand the whole situation because it is not your fault. It is never your fault that she died. Blame me, Charlie or blame the fucking plumbers who always get the pipes wrong in our house. Hey Hey!! Look here, Charlie. Look here not there. People don't know it that but I do. ''

''It hurts..Stop this pain,'' cried Charlie

''I know it does. I also know if you are thinking whatever you're thinking right now, it gets worse.
So hang in there buddy. Hope is this thin rope holding us from believing some miracle would come save us one day because I know just how deep the cut is. Stop closing all these doors, stop asking questions that no one can answer because the thoughts will just grab you away from reality. Stop tying that rope around your neck, and hand it over. Believe Charlie. Believe in yourself. Have hope in your eyes and faith in your guts. Stay with me. Everything breaks but you don't have to. Just know that if you have a toolbox with a customised screwdriver and a wooden hammer, I'll fix you even if it takes forever. It is never too late.  '')

Charlie Smith

Still too young.

16 June 1993 - 6 April 2013

98

I am a dying star. You might think stars do not have a heart. I solemnly suggest you to think again. When they have a broken heart, they glow. When they have a strong heart, they shine. Just at the central core, right in the middle.. Voilà! - An orange beating heart filled with energy.

I am trapped in this deep black hole, unmoved, untouched, frightened and depressed. There's a creepy and scruffy looking man who is here too. He's all white - hair, beard and weird looking moustache. He usually sweeps away the fallen stardust deteriorating from my glowing body. He wears dirty old clothes and likes to mutter things to himself consistently. I once asked '' Hey Mister, nice to meet ya. I am...''. That was the end of my first attempt to speak to him because he shouted at me or maybe to himself. I don't know. It was complicated. I just know that he was mad that I interrupted him while he was mumbling words like Lord...I didn't...survive.. I nicknamed him '' Mad Whitey'' after that.

One day when Whitey was asleep not far from me. I tried my second attempt to talk to him. I said softly ''Got a hobby Whitey?''. No response from him so I decided to talk to him pretending he was listening to me anyway ( but maybe he was). ''I used to fly around the whole galaxy acknowledging the milky way, destroying asteroids as I glide pass through different planets-Pluto, Jupiter, Mars. One thing about humans- they fancy me flying across their planet. They like pointing at me with their index finger and    will usually ask someone to make a wish. I really like that. The belief and hope they have on me when they see me floating in the sky makes me extraordinary. And now it is time to go. Time to leave. Time to say goodbye to you, my old friend. ''

Whitey suddenly got up slowly at the same time rubbing his fake sleepy eyes. He sat facing me, legs crossed and with great posture. He responded with ease '' My dear oh dear boy. This is not it. This is not how the story ends. It is an end ... to one chapter but.. there is another chapter and another. Life is full of surprises. Don't you forget that. You are with me now. Don't worry Twinkle. You were lost and I found you. I'll guide you, I'll protect you child. ''

He kissed my forehead and we walked through this white wooden door. I felt relieve for once because everything was normal. Normal is good. Normal is great. Suddenly tears start streaming down my face. I wiped off the tears using both of my hands and I looked at him for a few long seconds. I smiled crookedly and whispered ''It is happiness.'' He nodded and left with a cheeky smile.

I wasn't around to see this but Whitey told me there are now hundreds of stars happily shinning as bright as a supernova. Every night. Every hour. Every minute. Every second without fail. This was not the end.

DO NOT STAND AT MY GRAVE AND WEEP

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow. 
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

-Mary Elizabeth Frye

Blue

'If you never have been there then you wouldn't know what it's like', right? 

We all have bad times and we blame ourselves too often thinking 'It was my fault and...' .It never stops. So we will be thinking till 4 in the morning or worst, we never sleep. Labyrinth. That's what it is called. Chasing for an answer that we assume will be in our heads like chasing a lost ghost in a cemetery without any trace of footprints. 

We're like pirates with a huge ship but without a map. So keep sailing around an Ocean of thoughts, hoping a message in a glass bottle will appear in front of us and pray that it is the answer to our adventure. But no, that's not it. We were too late. The transparent glass bottle got swallowed by the Ocean because it felt selfish. Selfish because people have been poisoning the Ocean for years. Chemicals of all sorts from ignorant and naive bastards.

Let me ask you a question. Have you seen an Ocean cry before?

No

No? Because it is always hidden by the colour navy blue of itself, the colour exactly like the tears of the ocean. So no one knows the pain.

"I am not a graceful person. I am not a Sunday morning or a Friday sunset. I am a Tuesday 2 a.m., gunshots muffled by a few city blocks, I am a broken window during February. My bones crack on a nightly basis. I fall from elegance with a dull thud, and I apologize for my awkward sadness. I sometimes believe that I don’t belong around people, that I belong to all the leap days that didn’t happen. The way light and darkness mix under my skin has become a storm. You don’t see the lightning, but you hear the echoes."
- Anna Peters.

09

Often we assume that friendship has an electric response right after you become nice and kind to others. You have a thought that karma has the answer of giving something pleasant to you . You do good, you'll feel the good vibe and let fate decide to sparkle your day; today or tomorrow. I hope I am right.

I'll be honest I seek for appreciation or a pat on the back with a thank you each time I lend a hand to a friend. I don't see that value anymore. Most of the time, when I see people say thank you or sorry, they'll be saying as though it is a simple hello. They don't know the real meaning of the words. They're just saying it for the sake of saying it because that's the way people have been doing it. It is equivalent to not even saying it because they don't even mean it.

It is sad to see after being disappointed at them, when they need help, they just come through your door as though nothing had happen or they'll be sending a text in a sense of urgency which they never had before. What is this? Some kind of  appreciation we have around here.

81

What is there to feel when your friend has just gone for a bone marrow test after  announcing he has leukaemia a few days ago. I just can’t accept this right now. I just cant. Why? like really why

80

We often look back or ahead too much that we forget to be thankful with what we already have. That’s just one of the saddest thing I can ever experience at the moment ; not enjoying as much as I can with what I already have. We really do take things for granted and only realize our mistake when time is not on our side. I want to change all that. Now.

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

― A.A. Milne

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen. - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

13

We are preoccupied with time. If we could learn to love space as deeply as we are now obsessed with time, we might discover a new meaning in the phrase to live like men. -Edward Abbey

Firstly, Happy New Year! Secondly, I am afraid as time is passing too quickly. I am going for the monotonous role so bear with me.

1)The Fall. It is extremely difficult to get back up walking with the chin up when things start to crash down but I am learning how.

2) Independence. Well, some times, the only solution is within us and not others. It's time consuming but if you found it, the inner strength makes us to do better in any task.

3) Friends. They got your back. They are the best goddamn distraction you'll ever have.

4) Sentimentalist. Everyone is gonna have a sudden emotional breakdown ; in the car, in the room, in the library but it gets better. I don't know how but that's the way it is. It is okay not to be okay.

5) Plans. Not all go according to plans. Even if you have a Plan B or C or D.

6) Movies. I always wanted to be those calm ones, heroes, the successor like the actors in movies - the truth is we're not like them but we can try. We're pretty messed up on the outside but we're definitely, without doubt, beautiful inside.

7) Love. Love is dangerous.

8) Family. I know I don't show much of my love to all my family members but I love them so much. Evenings golf session with my dad is one of the coolest and relaxing thing I've done so far with him.

9) Leaving. They leave but they'll come back. I promise.

10) Have a goal. No wait have more but be realistic at the same time.( telling to myself)

11) Photographs. TAKE AS MANY AS POSSIBLE LIKE THERE'S NO EFFING TOMORROW. You won't regret a year later.

12) Forgive. Honesty. Patience. Kindness. Love. Passion. Working on that.

13) Understand. the people, the place, the history behind everything.