People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. - Kent M. Keith

6

”Why everybody leaves, Rudy?”

He wiped his tears and sat on the ground before Steph picked him up. I was stunned. I never seen him like this before and yet I had no answer.

I didn't know what to say because I never thought he would react in a way that would burst my thoughts leaving me a blank page all over again. I wanted to say at least something fruitful. I wanted to tell him that he is so much stronger than now.  I wanted him to try. So I give him a big giant hug and he gave a small speech which I took personally. I remained quiet thinking what if I was in his position. The scary part of all this was I am going to face the same scenario soon. Soon enough, to crumble slowly. I never thought he would cry. I never did.

Before we went into the house, I said, ” Remember Mr Ho? ”

He replied ” Of course. How can I not remember him? He was my class teacher laah.”

Fair enough. I smiled and lifted my right arm over his shoulders and we walked in.

009

The Six Rules 

1. If you like something because you think other people are going to like it, it’s a sure bet that no one will.
2. Most doors in the world are closed, so if you find one that you want to get into, you damn well better have an interesting knock.
3. Everything that you think is important isn’t. Everything that you think is unimportant is.
4. Don’t shit where you eat.
5. Lean into it. The outcome doesn’t matter. What matters is that you were there for it, whatever ‘it’ is - good or bad.
6. Don’t sleep with people who have more problems than you do.

-People Like Us

78

Sometimes you just gotta look around to see how lucky you are. Amongst all, they are the shining stars.

It is amazing to be around with such blessed people during Christmas. I am honestly saying that even though there were people including me having a bad day, when it was at night, it was different…when an uncle of yours tells a joke spontaneously and suddenly, the whole family roars a perfect laughter that echoes the entire house. Or an aunty noticing you, serving you small portions of scallop potatoes on your plate with a beautiful smile. Or the cousin who was down with fever suddenly feeling so excited and happy when playing the Xbox. Or the part where Rox opens up the bottle of white wine and distributing to the whole bunch of amazing people. Or that sneaky dog that steals food on the ground whenever there’s a golden chance. Or the part where everyone gets their presents and mutter thank you. It felt like ‘thank you’ was the best thing to say on that day. Last but not least, when everyone was watching the tele and enjoying the movie like a happy family with a happy ending.

56

Dear Hope,

It is horrible to see how things can change in a speed of light. I was watching you smiling the other day as though you were the luckiest person of the day. I have to say you could easily win an award for that playful crooked smile of yours. Then the next day I saw you again, you were frowning. I can’t stop thinking why you were so broken like a priceless porcelain vase accidentally knocked down in a museum. A chain reaction happened and I was sharing the sad thoughts and feelings with you.  

I've heard from a friend of mine that once you’re falling from the top, the seconds are much longer and the hours are worst. It is scary because I think he was absolutely right after seeing you on the second day. And the truth is we are all afraid. We’re afraid of losing someone close to us, afraid of drowning in a pool of failures, afraid of trying something new, afraid to love.

But one day, just one day, it is going to be the opposite. You start rising from the fall. You will..I know you will become stronger, bolder and wiser. There will be a white light shining at the end of the dark tunnel. Sooner or later, you’re going to be part of that white light and everything is going to be alright. Do not let your failures stop you from doing what you believe in. Because I truly believe in you.

Sincerely yours,

Fate

76

“You don’t even need to be in love. Who told you you do? What you need is to be free. What you need is to love. That’s it; that’s your nature. But what you’re really telling me is that you want to be desired. You want to be applauded, to be attractive, to have all the little monkeys running after you. You’re wasting your life. WAKE UP! You don’t need this. You can be blissfully happy without it.”
— Anthony de Mello, “Awareness

Go

You are suppose to keep going, not stop. You shouldn't stop. Don't wait until it destroys you completely. You don't deserve to be broken. Every human are fragile at heart and mind but that doesn't mean you have to take the punches and kicks from your problems.  No matter how horrible things are right now or how bad it seems to be ten days from now, don't give up. Swallow the fear, let it churn in the insides of  your acidic stomach. Well, it is going to ache and of course you will suffer so much that sometimes, you go crazy, you weep, you shout till you don't have a voice.

But have the courage to go through all these burdens because in the end, you sense the difference of different scenarios, feelings, perceptions in life based on the starting line and the finishing line. You control your own happiness and at the same time you control your very own sadness. Increase the joyfulness and let go of all the sorrowfulness, grudges and jealousy.

“Remember how far you’ve come, not just how far you have to go. You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be.”

—	Rick Warren

Stars

“The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff.”

—	Carl Sagan, Cosmos

AA

Breathe. Looking up to heaven. Taking in the ray of light. Stretching across the long coast. Falling back to past time. Asleep in the wallow. Crying and shivering. Hunting for your sorrow. Bending down to hold it. Shiver like you're gonna try. Scatters like it did This. Killing off your habit. Take me as your servant. Take me as your weapon. Take me as your courage. Take me as your servant. Take me as your servant. Take me as your servant.

1

It was just me and that Schnauzer, alone in the living room. That dog is a wonderful listener I must say. I didn’t even bother if it could understand me. I just needed some living creature listening to me because mostly all the humans who are living are already dead inside, like a robot with a customize computer chip placed on the back of their heads, programmed with instructions on what they ought to do.So there I was, whispering to the dog while playing some random tune on the guitar. The dog was lying down on the ground, looking at me thinking how strange I was at night than in the morning. Maybe it is that artificial invisible mask we humans wear everyday. After talking for an hour or so, with tears rolling down from my sleepy eyes to my cheeks, I say no more. I slept. It was just one of the best feeling ever to let everything out and suddenly realize how ridiculous your problems were because there are other people somewhere else in this world who have real and solemn problems which they have no chance to control it. 

I am trying to navigate my flaws to somewhere else but as a sailor, there are strong tidal waves smashing into my robust ship. It wasn’t as compact as before when I first had it. Unfortunately, it is much weaker now but I am really trying to repair every holes and every dented surfaces so I wouldn’t sink beneath the ocean. Because my organs, thoughts and feelings are my crew and I can’t just let them down. I want a sign to really believe that hope and faith is the truth and that it is astonishingly beautiful like an island with so much greenery and golden sand on the grounds whenever I come across it when sailing. I want to travel and experience the external surroundings and will be appreciating every second of it if I was given the chance.

..I kind of realize the next day that whatever I said last night, I couldn’t even remember mostly of what it felt like at that very moment when I was just talking aimlessly. It’s really like champagne where usually people make a toast and drink a full glass of it and that’s it. You enjoy and let it go. You felt it once and you won’t feel it again unless you drink some more. 

2

We all want a time machine like the movie ‘Back to the Future’ where Marty Mcfly proceeds to the future then to the past and in the end, he got what he wanted all along at the present.

But that’s not gonna happen here. It’s one of those days where if there is a chance, you want to give advice to a younger you that this and that is going to happen or seek for the future you and maybe he could give you some advice so you don’t suffer so much and waste precious time dwelling with the thoughts of what it is going to be like ten years from now. Did I succeed in life? Did I have enough money to support my family and my parents? Was I happy? Was it too good to be true?

We can’t rewrite the past, neither can we predict the future. What we have is the present moment so make it a beautiful art. Splash all the colours we have with the thoughts and feelings that make us who we are today. Red. Blue. Indigo. Violet. Gold. Make it a spectrum of colours. Surprise yourself. Surprise everyone.

3

There will be hard times where you will feel completely lost, confused, scared, stressed, lonely or even worst you dont feel anything at all. But remember ‘You’re not alone’. You are part of this world. You have a purpose in life. Find it. Take a chance. Don’t give up. Seek for something that lights up your face with a gorgeous smile every single day. People like that. People would love that. If you could make someone happy just like that, it is a gift that not many people have. Appreciate all that because it makes life more exciting.

4

I don’t know where I am heading and I am quite horrified about the consequences if I don’t make it but I don’t want to tell people that I gave up and lost all forms of hope. I want to tell those kids in the park, those teenagers in school or even the young adults working..just about everyone a story of mine leading to my happiness.

A story like The Sword in the Stone or Samson and Delilah but this story of mine? It’s gonna be one that the whole world will know.

+

People move forward. People seek for happiness. People take chances and hope and pray and have faith at what they do or think. All of that begins with a single step and another and another and another.

Don't look back. Really. It's like walking on thin air and not looking down. Risky but be wise. Even if you fall, get back up. Shake off those heavy burdens, have a deep breath and start again. Experience teaches us a lesson.

Everything in life begins with a say. Everything in life begins with a purpose. Everything in life begins with a decision.

Everything in life ends with a say. Everything in life ends with a purpose. Everything in life ends with a decision.

It never changes. If you think you can, you can.

AD , AS

Have you ever wonder what if your life was just like a light bulb. It can be switched on and off depending on a person or maybe a few more. But that is not necessary going to happen forever, isn't it? Once, it is switched on, the bulb could just explode at the spur of the moment without any rhyme nor reason.

What if one day, some drunkard crashed into you when you were on the phone with someone you love and everything just gotten into a real mess that night. You're dead. The tomorrow(s) and yesterdays(s) are gone. Your soul suddenly disperses out of the human body like a snake shading its skin or a young butterfly hatching from its cocoon. How ironic.

Your soul acting like it's you start walking around the city like a blind man without a purpose or direction. Fortunately, you were feeling happy and remembered you were getting married the next day. That adds more sparks into your happiness from a flame on a lighter into a bushfire. You could just hug anyone on and off the street.While walking aimlessly, you saw an ambulance driving hastily and honking to other vehicles, trying to get to the other side of the road where there is a huge group of people gathering. One on the cellphone, two with their mouths covered with their right hands, three with both hands on top of their heads and four with tears dripping like a waterfall. You wonder what could possibly be happening? It's causing the whole damn traffic. So you decided to go there.

When approaching, you recognize your good mate who was going to be your best man tomorrow, standing alone in the crowd so you quickly ran towards him to tell him that you can't wait for tomorrow. Suddenly, your head felt nausea, your legs felt tired, you find it hard to talk and everything was slowly turning into a ray of white light. You shouted '' Drew! Drew!HEY, help me! I can't feel my legs''. Andrew was already crying and started whispering to himself '' I should have been there. I am sorry man. I fucked up. Just wake up and will go to the same coffee shop every Sunday and we'll talk about politics and how the government owes us for being the best mates ever. You are getting married tomorrow for God sake. You can't die. M-m-m-mary  ..Mary loves you so much..JESUS man.. just wake up and get the bloody move on. ''.

 You stopped in front of him and said ''I ..am right..here'' and when you looked down.You finally were a single wave of this ocean of people. What your beautiful soul, Andrew and the pedestrians saw? You.

swevtgnu

“But there's a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your stories is always your mother's story, because hers is where yours begin.”
― Mitch Albom, For One More Day

Anthem
It’s great receiving wishes from friends and families. The ones who will never leave and sees the love and friendship I have for them. You can see how one sacrifice just for wishing me. For that, I am grateful. I am truly blessed for having such people in my life. It has been a great day and I wish for more days like this. Maha wished me through a video made by her in her hostel. That’s the most amazing thing a friend can do for me.

I wish for a wish that I truly want in life. I wish that I will be so happy that I never had to wish for anything. That’s it. I love you ppl!

The Architect

An architect design houses for people. Well, my brother design smiles for people with his annoyingly funny jokes. He has been like that all the time. He never chose to grow up. Sometimes you want that from somebody because they are naturally happy even when they are through rough times. I want that. I want the comical act and words from his mouth,  his drumming hands and drawing hands.. but I’ll stick to myself.

The most stable in the family. Courageous. Helpful. Strong. Wise. Religious. Funniest.

Have a safe flight. Get that Scottish slang and make the whole family proud. I’ll see you soon my brother.

Careful child, light the fuse and get away

Sometimes, doing what you love and care about so much unintentionally may involve you getting hurt in the end.Is it new? No.

But you have a kind heart, a gift within yourself to love others, maybe more than they love themselves but you can change that. Nothing but pure love swimming through your blood vessels, tickling your bones and switching on all light bulbs in you that illuminates as bright as the naked sun. You’ll shine but some people don’t see it but some do

A treasure of a life time some say, which lasts forever and ever without trying. When you're gone, your love remains, get it? The love of your favourite meal of the day stays put, the love of running under the pouring rain remains, the love of your favourite book remains. It doesn't all need to be a person. So don't tell me you're out of love because it is an understatement. Love is love. You are what you are.

Well now this could be the last of all the rides we take so hold on tight and don’t look back.We don’t care about the message or the rules they make. We’ll find you when the sun goes black and you only live forever in the lights you make. When we were young we used to say that you only hear the music when your heart begins to break.Now we are the kids from yesterday. All the cameras watch the accidents and stars you hate. They only care if you can bleed. Does the television make you feel the pills you ate? Or every person that you need to be cause you only live forever in the lights you make. When we were young we used to say that you only hear the music when your heart begins to break. Now we are the kids from yesterday..

High

 I don't know, I just feel like I should just stop thinking about it, you know, but I can't. Maybe I've seen too many movies, you know.

But there's this tiny little voice saying let go darling let go and... So I did.

4 legs

My dog currently has a poor heart condition and can't seem to walk at the moment. Today, the veterinarian and her assistant came to the house and did what they gotta do. It was so difficult to keep the dog calm because it was a really big dog. My mom and Ryan had to comfort him. Everyone was drenched in rain for at least an hour trying to lift the dog to the cage so that the doctor could do a blood test and inject with some painkiller and also because the dog needed shelter.

My pet dog whom I know since forever,my best friend. Although he gets mad when the postman delivers the mail, although he poops and pee where ever he likes; sometimes the garden, sometimes at the porch,. Although he chews on multiple slippers and the breath like wine :). Anger is an option. I can control it. I love my dog and when nobody was around , I usually walk outside of the house and sit on the bench and talk to the rascal. Usually it will sit  beside me and just look at the cars passing by. Then, I will complain all the shit I have gone through. How ridiculous an asshole can be or how life is unfair.

It was so sad seeing the dog laying side ways, trying so hard to get up. Even to do his 'business', he managed to crawl itself to the garden but still there were some stain of pee and faeces on it's legs.This suddenly made me think of Tuesdays with Morrie for some reason.

I almost cried under the pouring rain..or maybe I already did but the rain just covered it. I was just holding a red umbrella, praying and did what the vet asked me to do.

Talk about humans..What about animals?

Desire

Can you keep a secret? Can you keep a secret Rudy? Or do you ignore the questions popping out from every angle inside your head till you could vomit all the questions swimming through your head but still without an answer. But then ask yourself. Is it worth sacrificing for? Is it worth dying for? Coming back to reality, you saw a dying man, so blissful but he had to go. Why do the people like him who has every right to live dies when they're so comfortable with everyone he meets? And the people who gave up long time ago get to live? It's like God saying ''No kid you're not done yet. There are still brighter days for you to grab hold of. There are beautiful skies, extraordinary landscapes, wonderful people and so much things to do.''

Sometimes you feel like you deserve a punch right at the face to avoid negative thoughts from spilling out from the mouth. The friends might say don't be stupid. An old man would have said go ahead kid because he knows very much that he would do anything to be young again. I just don't get it. You think your hurt but you're not. It's all a test. You deserve so so much more. Why is it so hard to be as happy as those children laughing when an adult does a funny face gesture. I want that back. I just don't get myself. I do want to learn but I want to learn fast so I can put all those stupid miseries aside and start fresh.

I don't want to be just like everybody else. I want to be different. Even if my plans are failing, just let me hope that this plan works because this is the only one I have right now. If I had another one, maybe I'll take into consideration, so for now just let me be hopeful. Even if I keep a thousand of bottles filled with my tears, I am hopeful one day, I would be so happy that everywhere I go, the light shines on me and it spreads like a huge mirror to others so they could smile no matter how dull or shitty that day is for them. They deserve it. You deserve it.

Mentor

Uncle Yap is no longer with us right now. Thank you for giving me the chance to be a better player in basketball. You wise old man..you were supposed to see me play every Tuesday night but I was so busy.. I am so so sorry. Then, when I came after so long, we had a long talk about my dad's condition.. You didnt even say anything about your health condition.Anyhow, you always treated all the boys and girls as your kids. Your jokes..your smile.....RIP uncle yap

Quotes here and there. Believe....my friend

July

“Look at the sky: that is for you. Look at each person’s face as you pass on the street: those faces are for you. And the street itself, and the ground under the street, and the ball of fire underneath the ground: all these things are for you. There are as much for you as they are for other people. Remember this when you wake up in the morning and think you have nothing.”

—	Miranda July, No One Belongs Here More Than You

Quotes

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

—	Maya Angelou (

Self

“What can we ever gain in forever looking back and blaming ourselves if our lives have not turned out quite as we might have wished? The hard reality is, surely, that for the likes of you and I, there is little choice other than to leave our fate, ultimately, in the hands of those great gentlemen at the hub of this world who employ our services. What is the point in worrying oneself too much about what one could or could not have done to control the course one’s life took? Surely it is enough that the likes of you and I at least try to make our small contribution count for something true and worthy. And if some of us are prepared to sacrifice much in life in order to pursue such aspirations, surely that is in itself, whatever the outcome, cause for pride and contentment.”

—	Kazuo Ishiguro

Anti D

I have hard times when all I feel is just sadness. I feel the total opposite of how gentle and soft a human heart and mind ought to be.  I try to look good for myself so I wouldn't spread any discomfort of what I have felt before. I am trying..so hard.

I have to put on an artificial smile each day like the cardboard colored mask you wear for a fancy party or the glittery Venetian Masquerade Masks when attending a ballroom dance on Sunday evenings. The body movements of couples when they dance,so elegant like magic. The sway, such beauty that audiences wonder if all the dancers have wings as they glide gracefully around the dance floor like angels. They were all magically beautiful and lovable at the same time. Yes I get carried away with my imagination sometimes. I cant help it.

 People wonder how deep are my thoughts. I say it's far more deep than what a yellow submarine can normally submerge into the deep ocean beds. Why Yellow? I don't know. It just is.

 I always try sleeping as an emergency backup plan hoping that my thoughts will fly away without being noticed. But then, sleeping involves seeing different creatures in another land. Another land which was created out of fear and sadness. Are you afraid? because I am.

The Joker

Welcome back John! Us in Bangsar!

White

Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it’s a big part, and sometimes it isn’t, but either way, it’s a part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you’re alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another.

—	Jim Butcher, White Night

Gift

Ryan did this for dad's birthday.

Car

Trees

Dream

“A good way to fall in love
is to turn off the headlights
and drive very fast down dark roads.
Another way to fall in love
is to say they are only mints
and swallow them with a strong drink.
Then it is autumn in the body.
Your hands are cold.
Then it is winter and we are still at war.
The gold-haired girl is singing into your ear
about how we live in a beautiful country.
Snow sifts from the clouds
into your drink. It doesn’t matter about the war.
A good way to fall in love
is to close up the garage and turn the engine on,
then down you’ll fall through lovely mists
as a body might fall early one morning
from a high window into love. Love,
the broken glass. Love, the scissors
and the water basin. A good way to fall
is with a rope to catch you.
A good way is with something to drink
to help you march forward.
The gold-haired girl says, Don’t worry
about the armies, says, We live in a time
full of love. You’re thinking about this too much.
Slow down. Nothing bad will happen.”

— Kevin Prufer, “In a Beautiful Country”

Clumsy

“A bouquet of clumsy words: you know that place between sleep and awake where your still dreaming but it’s slowly slipping? I wish we could feel like that more often. I also wish I could click my fingers three times and be transported to anywhere I like. I wish that people didn’t always say ‘just wondering’ when you both know there was a real reason behind them asking. And I wish I could get lost in the stars. Listen, there’s a hell of a good universe next door, let’s go.”
— E.E.Cummings

Have you?

Have you ever had those unbearable moments where everything doesn’t go your way? You try do the easiest thing possible that can even be done by a newborn; to move your right leg forward but it ends with the left one moving. The concoction of failures, depression and frustrations, all twist and turn in your mind. The only thing that you want to do is to get rid of all these burdens but you cant let go of it because it’s like a haunted figure that never seem to be satisfy with you. Then, all sorts of unnecessary stress and anger suddenly frightened you until you lost yourself completely. So you scream at your loudest and weep at the most weird places ever; in the car, the bathroom, your friend’s house or while you’re jogging around your neighbourhood.

Have you ever turn off the engine of your car, the headlights and just stare into the darkness in the middle of the road? And think of what it is gonna be like in the next ten years or the next twenty years? and even if it is just for minutes, you’ll always feel it’s forever. Then, you slowly start back the engine and drive away, hoping no one you know had noticed you.

Have you ever felt that everyone around you is moving on, maybe a hundred steps ahead of you but you’re still at the same old starting point of life, hoping for the better but never want to risk anything. And you try to make yourself better by

Safe it

Eleven cats. A son who forgets the love and compassion of a mother. A husband who will be unforgiven as long as he live. An unborn grandson. A sewing machine. A purple crossword puzzle book. A wonderful singer who sways to the sound of old-fashioned music. Patience buried in her. Memories floating around her. Her kindness really make me feel really ridiculous after meeting her on the first day of work. She stays at a corner house near the office,service center. And comes in randomly whenever she likes and she loves the office. Honestly, I love the office too. The people here are like blankets and comfortable pillows on a Saturday night. The instant click among the colleagues made me feel good about working life.


Who is she? I call her Auntie Rofizah Lim. She doesn't walk into the office. She glides her way through the narrow space of the office, along with her kindness and beauty that sparkles as bright as a night time firework session by the beach. Every time I see her, a new story is told and I absorb as many words I can. Sometimes she shares quotes she admire so much such as from Shakespeare, John F Kennedy..I note down. I felt quite embarrassed about it but I really found it beautiful. A wise lady. A lovely lady. A strong lady. A storyteller. And me? I listen to all of her stories because everyday is a new chapter. Whatever topic it is,it will be a lesson learned in life. Whatever lesson that is taught is a gift. And this gift? You don't get it frequently in life. A story from a person who has gone through a lot is a genuine gift...She's...almost like Santa.


Today, in the evening, I taught her how to use her brand new laptop patiently. After teaching her as much as I can, she said '' Rudy, when my son was your age, he still helps me with all of these and now he is just living in his own world..ungrateful he is.


Her smile was golden. Her enthusiasm when reading her mails made me feel like I really can do this everyday because I think I lost all of that and hope  that something as small as that can make me a person just as similar to her but maybe now is a good time for that..It is just the people I meet are sometimes fools. Fools of greed,ignorance and arrogance. 

Sides

Just one friend can make a difference. Making all the crazy rubbish nonsense thoughts of another person go away. I feel so helpless sometimes. Helping so many people with their problems. Taking my own sweet time managing their problems so they feel better but it doesn't help myself. I feel so helpless until the another person then manage mine by just talking about it and a few laughs. Then it would be better. It's a cycle you see.

Say

 Auntie Rofiza said this to me.
Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country."by John F. Kennedy 

Yes I had a dream

Things won't work out the way you want it to be. It's guaranteed. It will happen. You know the day will come when you get punch in the face. You know that very well. People will say so many things that can influence you. If you're not strong, you'll just believe the guy who is the opposite of you. You go like '' Oh, why not? It's worth a shot ain't it?''  No. You push aside those thoughts, you get up and be whatever you want to be. Chest up, face with the brightest smile, warm pair of hands and controllable emotions. Take all these and be a worthy human for once. You got to believe your plan will work eventually. Even if they say it's not working. What you need by your side is someone or a small number of people who will be there for you. Those who are unwilling to fight with you or for you, you forgive them and smile. It's hard to make them understand. It tires you. It drives you insane. Why make them understand when  they are already capable of changing themselves? 

What I want from all these is I want to have things moving as normal as possible. So real that my eyes do not close because something like a surprise shines brightly but the 'normal' glows. I want it to glow. The pair of eyes just watches everything and blinks unintentionally,when it wants to. I don't want it to be great, I don't want it to be something so good that it's unreal. I want it to be normal. Normal is fine. Normal is the best damn thing you can cherish and have hope for . I want to be able to sit down with a random person who can stick with me till the very end and laugh till our jaw breaks. Laugh till our stomach aches. Laugh till we laugh some more and some more till we're old. And when we're in our wheelchairs just waiting for some angel to take us away. I want whoever you are to remember all the laughter we made and say '' You're one hell of a guy''. I want it to be so emotional that I want to see the tears of bliss, satisfaction and hope. And some day when we meet again, we'll laugh some more. 

“You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they’re as dull as a brick? Then there’s other people, when you meet them you think, “Not bad. They’re okay.” And then you get to know them and… and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality’s written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful.”

—	Amelia Pond

James Vincent Mc Morrow - Higher Love

Something Inside

Welcome. Good day. Good Night. Famous questions I often ask most of the people I know. Do you believe in hope? Why do you even care? Why do we fall in love? Their answers are weird enough to understand. I cant be bothered enough to try comparing it with the situation I'm currently facing.The thing is I always ask myself all these sensitive questions but never once I gave an answer to it. It is as if I've lost my voice, I've lost my mind, I've lost myself. As time passed, all the questions got tangled with one strong black string which  swings itself up and down,left and right around me, to torture me, to find me guilty. But the importance of the thoughts died right away after it got tangled, it signifies that I've given up. It got blown away by the wind like ashes gently and swiftly coming out from the casing towards the cold water of the bloody red sea. 


Some times I try so hard to move on from these rubbish questions because my thoughts bugs me every night before I go to sleep. when I'm sleeping and...just about every single moment of my fucking life. It wakes me up in the middle of the night. It gently touches my face at first and hope for a response from me but failed. It gets angry. It loves anger very dearly. ''Anger is good. Anger is beautiful. Anger is beautiful.'' It sings this line while grabbing my neck tightly and viciously strangles me till my millions of breaths were reduced to one. My poor lungs.When I slowly opened my pair of dead eyes, it whispered to my right ear ''Some things are just better if it is left alone''. The whispers went on and on in my head. The words whispered itself like a melody. Like an unwanted piano left alone in a house in Transylvania,placed high up on a hill where the dwelling is closest to dark skies, slowly playing sentimental songs on it's own repeatedly.And I? Frightened of course. I tried to scream. I tried to move. I tried to pray. I tried to think. No I didn't have anything left in me so I couldn't do anything. What I did was I stared at the black ceiling on my queen sized bed, scared. Just waiting for something to happen.


 Waiting kills. Waiting is a crime. Waiting is a murderer ..waiting is torture.. waiting..waiting till something happened. 


I managed to break lose from my subconscious mind and screamed out loud. '' What am I gonna do!!? Just fucking leave me alone!''. Then, something invisible started covering my mouth.The same soft and calm whisper came along to play with my dark hair and gave me a painful scar across my face. The pain killed me  internally. ''Nothing,my boy..nothing ..A risky decision to run away from me''. The voice of a strange man, killed my confidence entirely. I was trapped in my very own torture chamber where my thoughts wee controlled by this useless son of a bitch. I wanted to get out from that empty room so badly..I wanted ..at least tell the woman I love that she's beauti...too late for that.. but ..no... The shock made me different.


You see a flock of birds flying in the open blue sky. I see flightless birds on the ground,unmoved. I see disaster. I see danger. I see things which are the unthinkable. I see life as unfair. I see violence. I feel greedy,selfish..I fellt devilish .I had felt frightened and depressed by all the small things that could happen to me by this darker side of me. I was hoping it stayed hidden within me but hell broke lose. 


The anger, the hatred, the arguments, the riots, the bombs, the ghost of me..It affects the mind and heart of any person I got close with. So I'm alone. No wait. I'm not. My fearful thoughts is with me. I don't need anyone. I find love embarrassing. I find compassion a form of disgust. I find hope and faith useless.


It's the anger that keeps me alive. It's the hatred that keeps me thinking. It's violence that keeps me moving. It's the depression that calms me. ..It's the overthinking that changed me enirely. What drives you?

I've to stop arguing. I've to stop arguing. Way to go Rudy~ You just won the asshole of the year award

Ryan's Graduation

So about yesterday. Well, just wanted to say thank God I'm alive?

Blue

Dad's firm lunch in Shogun. Couples having their sweet mingle session. Staffs having a whale of a time with other staffs and family members. Dad and mom had to socialise with the rest and they were at the same table with my sister's godparents and their family. Initially, I sat with my parents at a table beside. When they moved to the next table, my 12 year old cousin came to sit with me. I was quite surprise actually. I don't know why. I'm so close minded suddenly. My mind wasn't right and this boy just sat down and I said HI!. I'm like sooooo how're you nowadays? how's your new school? Like any girls yet? I just had to pump the questions out from my head because I wanted to be elsewhere if possible and it was.

So we talked for almost an hour or 2. Can't really tell because my mind was waiting for this stupid message which wasn't important. So there we were talking and I have to say, I wanted the conversation to go on as long as possible because I felt misplaced there and it felt good talking to someone I knew since young. Although 12, who cares about the age gap when we're young. It's quite a lost to me when I'm no longer the one who still plays with him and throws him here and there or waxing his hair before my aunt picks him up from my house or playing football outside the house. No I'm already that ''grown up''. So yea he told about school and his current issues, I gave him some advices. I think I made it clear to him. ..I don't choose to be on the adult side, I never had a choice. Nobody had the choice.

It's part of life which really sucks so badly when you're having fun and the next thing you know, you're too old for this. You're too old for this,that,this,that...I agree that some day you gotta make a choice of your own. Decisions made by yourself is taking one step closer of being an adult. And that's what I did when my dad got sick. I learned to be independent, the slow and harsh way which fucking hurts when you're falling down emotionally but then, getting up with an invisible shining armour around the entire body, secured,strong and bold.

Nowadays, small things push me aside. My mind will be elsewhere disrupted, distracted and dissatisfied with her not replying or him not replying,of her thinking about how useless I am, of him thinking I'm ...All these that weren't essential suddenly became important. I know it is ridiculous and stupid. But that is how it is. I don't know why. Because I needed someone to talk to.

We hear the talks everyday. The judgements, the comments ...whatever you call it. All I'm saying is to let go. They criticise, you let it go...Find a person to talk to, one way to ignore the current thoughts...Nobody knows how but find a way..

Lady Sunshine - Lady of Sunshine.
Silver Revolver - Lady of Sunshine
Home Sweet Home - Lady of Sunshine

I'm blind. All the time. Tick-tok tick-tok tick-tok. Often I don't see I'm playing an ignorant and unmindful role, I'm just trying to impress the people.  And the thing is I know damn right that I'm not that type of person to be playing this role. It's not normal.I just get carried away with a small glance or an informal gesture or message from another person then everything will change. Every colour and every pattern alter so fast until I don't realize the impact till now. I see the world indifferently. My pair of eyes has been blinded by the shine of comparison. The thing is we humans compare every single detail with others. From top to bottom, from inside and out. I was slowly poisoning my own mind, already fragile mind with expectations.

It's stupidity. It's really stupidity. I don't get myself most of the time but who does? Nah don't give the nonsense that I should know because I really don't know. Don't tell me to grow up because growing up is not as easy as ABC. It's complex and I can't stand it. The thing is I want something you guys don't. I want a hopeful heart and mind. That's all. I want to stand my ground with a heart and mind so pure that not even a small dust can dirty the white clean surface. It's so pure that it illuminates every second when I awake from my sleep. I don't want to get fooled by anyone anymore because it hurts. It burns. It poisons. It breaks. I'm done And you know what's scary? Changes. Feelings change. Thoughts change. People change. I changed.

I'm not myself lately and lately, I'm lost...and lately, I will be found..slowly..no rush.

190

Have you ever isolated your earliest childhood memory? Mine is when I was three years old. It was summer. A carnival in the park near our house. There were balloons and cotton candy stands. A bunch of guys who had just finished a tug-of-war were lined up at the water fountain.

I must have been thirsty, because my mother lifted me by my armpits and carried me to the front of that line. And I remember how she cut in front of those sweaty, shirtless men, how she squeezed one arm tight around my chest and used her free hand to turn the handle. She whispered in my ear, ''Drink the water, Charley,'' and I bent forward, my feet dangling above the ground, and I slurped it up, and all those men just waited for us to finish. I can still feel her arm around me. I can still see the bubbling water. That is my earliest memory, mother and son, a world unto ourselves (For One More Day)

Come Back

I miss the moments where me and my brother would used to wrestle on the bed in our room. The pillows as metal chairs, the bed as the square arena and  the door as the main entrance. The crowd would be open windows, blue walls and cupboards. They were alive when we were wrestling. The atmosphere was always intense and as the air conditioner blew the cold air, we wrestle till one wins. I always lose. The big fat buffalo, my brother, strong as ever would pin me down and count from one to three so quickly that  I struggle to break loose from the human trap most of the time. Sometimes, he let me wins. When my cousin came, it would be a triple threat match. The more the merrier aint it? One of the coolest part of the room was my bed. My double decker bed from IKEA. The lower part was my study area and the upper part was the bed. It had the small ladder. Jumping off from my bed to the other bed of my brother's was extreme but we still do it anyway. I love that bed and  I do love my imagination back then. The  purest imagination will always be when we were young. So reckless and careless. Imagination can never be right or wrong and so when we're young. We did more wrongs than rights. But that is for me and brother. Still so young and the only thing we cared about is making daddy and mommy proud. I am very sure we didn't make them proud for this because it frequently ends with one person crying in  the end and mainly, my cousin cries. And the cries..we tried to decrease the sound but always fail. 

In that very room, was my mini football practice area. Kicking it against the wall numerous times till something breaks and the maid had to stop ironing the clothes in her room while the radio was still on. She will run to the room and check whether I am okay. I usually gave that sarcastic answer because people interrupting me was just a pain in the ass back then. I didn't learn how to appreciate the maid back then. I was the extreme pampered one. I was the worst in the family. Not proud to say it but it is one of the things my sister like to describe about me. After school, it's always a normal routine to walk in through the door and shout '' KAK! Saya nak makan."  Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. The weekends were exceptional because dad will be around and like most of us, I am quite scared about what my dad thinks of me when I shout the 4 words in BM where I can just walk and grab the food. It's not that I don't a pair of hands or a pair of legs or both. The dishes washed, the numerous pairs of shoes kept in order, the all time messy room(mine) cleaned and the trash taken outside. All done by her. Now, when the maid is gone, everything changed. I do the dishes, I keep the shoes, I clean my room, I take my own food from the oven or the rice from the rice cooker. It depends how lazy I am. At one point, I'll just ignore and just get told off by my mother. You know moms. They all work the same. But I am still glued to my mother wherever she goes, back then and even now.

The thing is we all will change in life. We don't realise it because we're too busy with education or work. Too busy to appreciate small things such as the maid doing all the things where we can just do with our bare hands. We're not any different from one another but one is just lazy. I'm the laziest person you'll ever know. Another thing, that would describe me best. This time the say is from my mother.

It's a different feeling now, thinking about this memory. 

Lady Sunshine

''Don't leave..please''

''I have to..Someday you''ll understand..when you're bigger and have a wife of your own..''

''What if your plan doesn't work?''

''My plans had always work.''

(A letter that was never sent).

Dear Charlie,

You know dreams are big. Look at the building outside of the window. It's much much bigger than that. Dreams come in all shapes and sizes. Don't give up searching. Mommy has always been there. Wiping your tears when you fell off a bike, stroking your hair while reading any red book that you love so much( You love red apples, red red...anything which was red), feeding you while you were trying to talk like daddy, watching you play football and scored and you doing your famous ritual dance after showering which made me laugh so hard. Daddy wasn't there. Daddy was at home, where he belonged to. Remain friday as an ice cream day. Do it with mommy. She'll make time. Time is precious, Char. When you make time for somebody, it's as pure as faith. 

We all make mistakes in life. We crush people's heart like what you did to mommy when you're 15,  caught smoking in the bathroom. Your mother knows everything. The habit, your facial expression, the girl and the secrets. You must be thinking I was spying on you, putting hidden cameras all over the house. I didn't. I can't even afford to pay the electricity bills at the end of the month. You were so young to understand that life isn't so simple and buying you books and toys on your birthdays were so hard because we just couldn't. You'll be disappointed and I'll be miserable. Then, mommy shouts and I listened to everything she had to say. I took it like a man.  

Sometimes, you don't get the respect and kindness from others. They'll treat you like you're a nobody, wiping their shit whenever they go. People will hurt you. The worst part of life is you hurting yourself. You see yourself in the mirror so stressed up, jobless, a divorcee. You got no appetite to live anymore, the food on the table untouched like the life of yours.. meaningless. Plans don't always work. People will leave you at one point in life. I can't be there for you all the time and same goes to Mommy. Like I said, time is gold. You can't buy time. 

You know, you made me smile everyday when we were a young family, way before Karen. Even the day you ruined my beautiful cabinet record player and I slapped you for that. I forgive you. The day you destroyed my favourite golf stick. I canned you. I forgive you. The day you used my car while you were out intoxicated, driving so fast and destroyed it.Thank God, you live Charlie. I forgive you. You dont't get to say goodbye to me. I get to say goodbye to you. Get it? The day you told me that she left you. You said sorry. I forgive you. 

But the thing is do you forgive yourself, Char? Stop trying to find answers for forgiveness. It's pointless. Forgiving is letting yourself free from all thoughts and moving on with an empty mind. It's not too late to start again. You're still a young adult. Long way to go my boy. You're journey doesn't end here.

Even after I left Mommy, you and Karen mattered most to me. You make sure you take care of her. Even how sad or happy she is, you gotta be there. Family is forever Charlie. Family is everything. Don't forget your roots. And Charlie? Keep writing . That's my advice. I didn't send you to uni to see fuck around with your life. If love is lost, find love on your own by doing what you love then the next step will be yours to decide. I've read your self made book before. Your passion in writing is astonishingly beautiful.

I screwed up Charlie..I screwed up badly. I never knew why life is treating me like a tortured dog starving in a suburban street. When Uncle Jo got me this job which I had no idea it was illegal. He got shot in the head when we couldn't pay up to the masked man. I told him I would pay him if he gave me a week. I was begging, on my knees with a gun pointed at the side of my head. I was shit scared and almost watered in my pants. The money wasn't important. Keeping the family safe matters. So I left. I got drunk. I got murdered.

I'm invisible now. My only wish is to send this letter to my son. There's this white door which is locked and I can't open it. I tried bulldozing it one day but it only made me more sick. I don't know what happened to Charlie. I do want to know but this door just wouldn't let me in.

I'm Your Puppet

Darling, you've got full control of your puppet
Pull them little strings and I'll kiss your lips, I'm your puppet
Snap your fingers and I'll turn you some flips, I'm your puppet
Mm, your every wish is my command
All you got to do is wiggle your little hand
I'm your puppet, I'm your puppet I'm just a toy, just a funny boy
That makes you laugh when you're blue
I'll be wonderful, do just what I'm told

11

(A small conversation between me and dad in 2005)

''No''

"Why?"

"Look at the sky. It's going to rain any minute now."

"It won't rain Dee. Please."

Dad said no to football practice one day. After multiple annoying whining, the word 'please' and the sunken face, dad gave up and decided to send me to school. I knew it would rain. The sky was gloomy, slowly painting itself with only one colour ; dark brown. The sun was hiding behind the present white clouds. The trees were dancing to the sound of the wind. The security guard, still in his small cubicle room, snoring like always. Dad had a meeting so he had to rush off to his appointment venue after sending me to La salle. I waited at the usual spot beside the library. There were only two students excluding me who came that day. One anonymous guy left. So, it was only me and this guy. The afternoon classes were still going on as usual. The secondary boys. Well, they were as noisy as a photograph from the 19th century. 

Then, it rained. The wind got stronger and we became statues for quite some time until the rain turn into slight drizzles. The school was flooded. The outside was pretty bad. Me and the guy ran like mad dogs around the school, racing among ourselves. We ran fast. Both waited for our dads to pick us when it was time. He went back first. His dad on a motorcycle. Dad picked me up and he didn't ask anything about that. So I remained quiet. He knew I played in the rain. Of course he knew. I was still wet from the crazy ride. He explained it to the family later during dinner. That I remember but with no anger.

Running around like lunatics in Raja Persiaran Muda. It was a happy day. Really it is. I so wanna go back to that time, so so badly.

16

A rusty train making circles around a small coffee table on a Friday night.(What train? you might think).A train doesn't mean it has to be the useless train we see everyday in KL. No and no. Not the faded paint transport that collects people from one destination to another. Well, creativity works best when it is left alone and quietly, it becomes something out of nothing. This train brought words instead of humans but started of like normal, the boring letters of 'A,B,C,D,etc". Crazy huh? The small train packed with firstly, a miserable word then two words, a few words and involving to millions. Words built into a sentence and further growing to numerous sentences. Topics flying everywhere above the passenger seats consisting of memories, a bit of a thing called '' it's shitty being me" attached to sarcasms, jokes and more sarcasms!

The journey only lasted for 3hours. It started of with an engine starter who is Notorious Bryan, making some star wars joke which is seriouslygoddamnfunny. Made a detour, it traveled anti-clockwise reaching a bit of the ''Golden high school days''. The train definitely got delayed because of some bastards including me who couldn't stop laughing because of Bryan's voice transformation into Yoda's. The imaginary ride of topics went for a pit-stop because food+boys = _____(youtellme). I say "satisfaction" only until perhaps, the next 3 to 4 hours then hunger takes place again. The ride continued slowly after all of us finished the meal.  Then, we stumbled upon the bitter assignments topic and the final stop was at 'girls profile pictures' which well, guys will be guys. I've gotta admit. Technical skills they have? HD! Damn they're good. 

Clinging

Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad week. Some asshole kissed the the Honda City and when things I thought would be fine. Drove mom's car and pooofff are #$%^&*$%^&*( flat tyre.

A Feeling

I always have tormenting thoughts after a good time. It sucks real bad.

Angus & Julia Stone - Take You Away

“The Secret” by Jeffrey McDaniel

When you were sleeping on the sofa
I put my ear to your ear and listened
to the echo of your dreams.

That is the ocean I want to dive in,
merge with the bright fish,
plankton and pirate ships.

I walk up to people on the street that kind of look like you
and ask them the questions I would ask you.

Can we sit on a rooftop and watch stars dissolve into smoke
rising from a chimney?
Can I swing like Tarzan in the jungle of your breathing?

I don’t wish I was in your arms,
I just wish I was peddling a bicycle
toward your arms.

Brother

I can't get angry with my own brother. I can't do it. As much as I wanna rip his head off at times, I can't. Honestly, he's an ass. A real clown in the family. I envy because I am the one who has that heavy and lazy mouth. Moving an inch is like sprinting from town to KL. Everything changed when we were growing up. No more football session in the garden. No more football lessons. No more basketball lessons. No more of the same interest because he has his noisy drums in his room which is suicidal when I'm having my afternoon naps! Setting an example for the younger ones. That's a quote where parents wish the older sibling swill put up for the younger siblings. I'm the youngest so his message to me is always indirectly because he's always goofing around. I never see him in the day because our timing is different now. My morning is his night and his night is his morning. Plus, he's working now. I always noticed his message that surrounds me. Don't have a life which destroys happiness at any cause or time. Life is hard. Make it easy.

Hi this is my retarded student card.

WTA