Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Seeking Rest

We were a group of freedom fighters ready to uncover hidden gems on a clandestine island. We were lost souls seeking rest from one of Mother Nature’s place of birth. We were pieces of a memory ready to be written in journals/letters for the first time about our travels. Well, there is something about travelling and exploring that gives us that adrenaline rush that moves us and during that time, it felt like we needed to do this forever and ever till we grow old.

We were thirsty for that anxiety when looking down at the rippled waters of the ocean from above the high rocks, that calm pleasure of having to watch the best view of what God has to offer to our blessed souls and also not forgetting the small things; whether it was that cold breeze touching our faces from the high mountains, the smell of rainwater from the waterfall or the honoured battle scars all over our bodies.

There were days when the conversations had gone so deep into the ocean of thoughts. We were all immersed in the deep blue waters of dialogues during the day and night. The exchanges we had with one another gave all of us that intangible sentimental light above our heads like halos on top of the head of guardian angels. We could talk about anything and everything that comes to our mind. The ideas and philosophical differences we have shared amongst each other during the long drive or scenic places had made us vulnerable to the many things life can offer if we just take a chance. 

Monday, December 14, 2015

Smile

Last Sunday, I decided to volunteer at Shelter Home in PJ to bring about some Christmas spirit to the kids at the welfare organization. Shelter Home was established in 1981 to help out kids who were abused, neglected or at-risk children.There were five boys that I really got close to and oh god how mischievous they were towards everyone including myself at first. They were around the age of somewhere between 8 to 12 years old.

One of the boys asked me to help him comb his hair  and it was a little nerve-wrecking because the head of department was just beside me so as calmly as I can, I styled his hair. When lunch came in the form of pizza and garlic breads, Tom quickly pulled me to the dining table and asked me to sit beside him. Then, there were squabbles between the boys as to where I would sit. I was silent then because I was in the state of nostalgia for a few seconds, recalling how I was exactly like one of them in terms of how they reacted, how they tried to convince me etc.
It is like one of those rarest days whereby someone elderly would come by and immediately becomes the coolest person you probably know and hopefully you will be him/her someday. And once he/she is by your side, that person needs to teach you, just you about everything you need to be as James Dean as possible.

I also taught the five boys a secret handshake my friends and I used to greet each other during high school, which we still practice till today. It was heart-warming just watching them teach their friends at that time. When I was leaving, Jun hugged me a few times and asked me when I was coming back. I told him, ‘Very soon, Jun’ and he responded swiftly ‘How soon?’. Don’t know how to respond so I just played with his hair gently and slowly thought of what I was going to say. I mentioned ‘You gotta be good okay, you’re a very nice person and soon enough, I’ll come by so you have to remember this handshake’.

Their smiles shared with me on that day made me realise how happy I was when I was with the boys. Before I slept that night, I tried to reflect on whether I did a good thing for them and hopefully I did the best for them because I believe that karma takes us somewhere really far in life. For myself to get so close to them on that day without expecting anything in return made perfect sense why people should come here more often. As damaged as they already were from building relationships and trust, people just come and go. 


I really hope the impact the volunteers made on that day had settled down into the kids' head and heart. I want them to know that there are good people still around willing to lend a helping a hand. I want them to know that the world is not as cruel as they might imagine. 


(The names of the boys are made up due to particular reasons.)

Monday, November 30, 2015

White Light

I think of all times we have been switching to godknows how many different treatments in various incidents, there will be a trend of what’s going to happen next. After an unfixed period of time (it may be a year or so), the doc is going to say the same thing with a straight face, ‘The drug is not working anymore’. If you are lucky enough, he may paraphrase a few words or arrange the sentence structure so that the not so good news can rest on top of our heads gently and lightly.

And when money is involved in these kind of situations, knowing that there are so many existing debts to pay such as the ineffective drugs, insurance, referrals, PET scans, blood tests etc, it is time to realize that the presence of the bad times are really happening.

'It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light' - Aristotle Onassis

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Reminder

On Tuesday, I was driving back from office in the city centre late at night in a rush state as usual to home. The roads were emptier than usual as if The Sandman did his job perfectly whereby everyone had already gone to bed and were sleeping soundly, ready for the next day. The orange coloured beam from street lights shone onto the straight highway road, the engine roaring loudly in my car as the adometer's arrow pointed to 170km/h and everything else were wandered through the tight space of the car.

Then, I shifted my attention to the music that was playing on the radio. It was the beginning of U2's I Still Havent Found What I'm Looking For. So I started humming the song at first and then started singing throughout the entire song. I knew the lyrics well but just on that day, the lyrics were so expressive and it felt like I knew exactly what the singer was really singing about.The music that night was melodious, calming and it just brought about the sentimental state of myself. Whilst listening to the music being played, I slowed down the car and moved to the second lane throughout the entire song. After it finished, a heavy downpour of thoughts started filling up my head.


I realized that I was so caught up with work and the social experiment I would like to call it that I have really avoided all cost of events that were ‘real’ and happening to me. But music…music is magic. It sends us a reminder to tell ourselves who we are at the end of the day.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Passion

"If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on." - Steve Jobs

Thursday, March 5, 2015


Saturday, January 31, 2015

“When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You look into the reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or our family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and arguments. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change.” — Thich Nhat Hanh 

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Captured Stars

I)

I once read about fireflies when I was younger in a magazine at a café nearby Victoria Street. Mom was with her friends conveying mundane information about her latest beauty products to her potential customers from another town. I was usually situated at the corner of the shop eating countless pastries by myself. Frankly speaking, I was a fat kid back then until one day, my father decided that enough is enough. Dad was in the army so he treated me like a soldier from the next day onwards. One time, he threw a bucket of ice cold water on me because I was stubborn enough to play dead on the bed. Well, not literally but you get what I mean.

That day I remembered flipping through the pages of the magazine as swiftly as possible to think that I could read faster than anyone in the coffee shop. As I was catching up to the speed of sound, something mesmerizing caught my attention. I stopped at that specific page and took a long glance at a beautiful picture of a lightning bug. One of the passage mentioned that light was radiated by the firefly’s abdomen called the ‘lantern’. I was amazed about how beautiful it was because these tiny little creatures exist like floating lanterns moving around aimlessly in the garden at our backyard.

From that day onwards, I would routinely sneak out from my room past midnight and try to catch them using just a small torchlight and an empty strawberry jam jar. I'll be running around at night with the intention that I was catching stars in the garden. The night used to be like a fairytale dream and I wished that every night will be longer than the mornings we all have everyday. When I was tired of chasing these so called stars, I would sit on the wooden staircase leading up to my dwelling. Subsequently, I would form a circle using all my fingers on my right hand to portray it as the lens of a camera where my right eye could see through the hollow area clearly. My left thumb, positioned as high as my shoulders will then move up and down while the rest of the fingers fold inwards of the palm. The notion was to pretend that I was taking multiple snapshots of the harmless fireflies with an imaginary camera. Till today, I wonder where did it all go. I miss my eyes turning into diamonds when I see fireflies. I miss the nights where it will be so quiet till you could hear the harmonic sound of nature. I miss the sound of the wind howling and hidden species behind the bushes and trees. I miss the fantasy I had visioned when I was younger. Maybe that was it. I went past a different cycle in life.

II)

A good remembrance into the past was all I needed while having a smoke as I sat on the same exact spot on the staircase. Without anyone looking, I tried to snap photograph memories again through my green eyes but the spark within me was long gone. I even did the exact same gestures like I used to when I was much smaller but nothing felt the same anymore. So I went back daydreaming till another set of memories flood through the gates of my present sight. I was suddenly back to the same place but in a different time.

Nights during that period were a little bit chilly because it was already close to winter. I reminisced that the lights around the whole neighbourhood suddenly went out leaving us in total darkness. It was because of a power shortage. The situation had been occurring consistently nowadays due to the poor management of the local council in town. My dad and mom went out to help the homeless people on the streets by giving them warm clothes to sleep in. Once they left, my young brother and I, both lit a cigarette each so that we would be able to occupy sufficient 'oxygen' in our body system. After that, we went to check on Mr. Davidson. He was a 72 year old man who lived by himself in his cottage behind our house. He was a kind and generous man who always gave us vintage cigars imported from Italy when we visited him. He used to always say ‘You boys oughta stop smoking now’. But eventually, a standard small box of 8 cigars would appear in my hands. 

At most, my brother and I would stay approximately 15 minutes talking to him until he starts shooing us away. When we returned to our house, we immediately tried the brown covered aromatic cigars that would replenish my whole body with something extra special. We then will pretend we were fireflies at night and would usually walk in circles or dance in a made-up tribal way in the garden with other fireflies around us under a thick blanket of faded grey clouds. Some times, I wonder whether the fireflies believed that the ignited cigars were one of them because it seems that the glowing orange colour were kind of similar to the lights emitted by them.

III)

It is publicly known that my brother and I were not the talkative kind compared to other siblings in town. We never fought since young and had always showed respect towards each other. There was always a mutual understanding amongst us but mostly people assumed we hated each other. No we do not hate each other. How could you say something like that. I love my brother. I still remember that night visibly because that was the night everything changed. I recalled telling him just one sentence that made him happy and sad at the same time.

Tonight, we are gonna be the youngest we’ll ever be....but tomorrow, we grow up okay?’. He couldn't help but cried and nodded his head.


Memories like these burn like hell in me but I still keep it anyway. Once I regained my consciousness, I walked out slowly from the dwelling and promised to never sell the house to anyone.