Well now this could be the last of all the rides we take so hold on tight and don’t look back.We don’t care about the message or the rules they make. We’ll find you when the sun goes black and you only live forever in the lights you make. When we were young we used to say that you only hear the music when your heart begins to break.Now we are the kids from yesterday. All the cameras watch the accidents and stars you hate. They only care if you can bleed. Does the television make you feel the pills you ate? Or every person that you need to be cause you only live forever in the lights you make. When we were young we used to say that you only hear the music when your heart begins to break. Now we are the kids from yesterday..

High

 I don't know, I just feel like I should just stop thinking about it, you know, but I can't. Maybe I've seen too many movies, you know.

But there's this tiny little voice saying let go darling let go and... So I did.

4 legs

My dog currently has a poor heart condition and can't seem to walk at the moment. Today, the veterinarian and her assistant came to the house and did what they gotta do. It was so difficult to keep the dog calm because it was a really big dog. My mom and Ryan had to comfort him. Everyone was drenched in rain for at least an hour trying to lift the dog to the cage so that the doctor could do a blood test and inject with some painkiller and also because the dog needed shelter.

My pet dog whom I know since forever,my best friend. Although he gets mad when the postman delivers the mail, although he poops and pee where ever he likes; sometimes the garden, sometimes at the porch,. Although he chews on multiple slippers and the breath like wine :). Anger is an option. I can control it. I love my dog and when nobody was around , I usually walk outside of the house and sit on the bench and talk to the rascal. Usually it will sit  beside me and just look at the cars passing by. Then, I will complain all the shit I have gone through. How ridiculous an asshole can be or how life is unfair.

It was so sad seeing the dog laying side ways, trying so hard to get up. Even to do his 'business', he managed to crawl itself to the garden but still there were some stain of pee and faeces on it's legs.This suddenly made me think of Tuesdays with Morrie for some reason.

I almost cried under the pouring rain..or maybe I already did but the rain just covered it. I was just holding a red umbrella, praying and did what the vet asked me to do.

Talk about humans..What about animals?

Desire

Can you keep a secret? Can you keep a secret Rudy? Or do you ignore the questions popping out from every angle inside your head till you could vomit all the questions swimming through your head but still without an answer. But then ask yourself. Is it worth sacrificing for? Is it worth dying for? Coming back to reality, you saw a dying man, so blissful but he had to go. Why do the people like him who has every right to live dies when they're so comfortable with everyone he meets? And the people who gave up long time ago get to live? It's like God saying ''No kid you're not done yet. There are still brighter days for you to grab hold of. There are beautiful skies, extraordinary landscapes, wonderful people and so much things to do.''

Sometimes you feel like you deserve a punch right at the face to avoid negative thoughts from spilling out from the mouth. The friends might say don't be stupid. An old man would have said go ahead kid because he knows very much that he would do anything to be young again. I just don't get it. You think your hurt but you're not. It's all a test. You deserve so so much more. Why is it so hard to be as happy as those children laughing when an adult does a funny face gesture. I want that back. I just don't get myself. I do want to learn but I want to learn fast so I can put all those stupid miseries aside and start fresh.

I don't want to be just like everybody else. I want to be different. Even if my plans are failing, just let me hope that this plan works because this is the only one I have right now. If I had another one, maybe I'll take into consideration, so for now just let me be hopeful. Even if I keep a thousand of bottles filled with my tears, I am hopeful one day, I would be so happy that everywhere I go, the light shines on me and it spreads like a huge mirror to others so they could smile no matter how dull or shitty that day is for them. They deserve it. You deserve it.

Mentor

Uncle Yap is no longer with us right now. Thank you for giving me the chance to be a better player in basketball. You wise old man..you were supposed to see me play every Tuesday night but I was so busy.. I am so so sorry. Then, when I came after so long, we had a long talk about my dad's condition.. You didnt even say anything about your health condition.Anyhow, you always treated all the boys and girls as your kids. Your jokes..your smile.....RIP uncle yap

Quotes here and there. Believe....my friend

July

“Look at the sky: that is for you. Look at each person’s face as you pass on the street: those faces are for you. And the street itself, and the ground under the street, and the ball of fire underneath the ground: all these things are for you. There are as much for you as they are for other people. Remember this when you wake up in the morning and think you have nothing.”

—	Miranda July, No One Belongs Here More Than You

Quotes

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

—	Maya Angelou (

Self

“What can we ever gain in forever looking back and blaming ourselves if our lives have not turned out quite as we might have wished? The hard reality is, surely, that for the likes of you and I, there is little choice other than to leave our fate, ultimately, in the hands of those great gentlemen at the hub of this world who employ our services. What is the point in worrying oneself too much about what one could or could not have done to control the course one’s life took? Surely it is enough that the likes of you and I at least try to make our small contribution count for something true and worthy. And if some of us are prepared to sacrifice much in life in order to pursue such aspirations, surely that is in itself, whatever the outcome, cause for pride and contentment.”

—	Kazuo Ishiguro

Anti D

I have hard times when all I feel is just sadness. I feel the total opposite of how gentle and soft a human heart and mind ought to be.  I try to look good for myself so I wouldn't spread any discomfort of what I have felt before. I am trying..so hard.

I have to put on an artificial smile each day like the cardboard colored mask you wear for a fancy party or the glittery Venetian Masquerade Masks when attending a ballroom dance on Sunday evenings. The body movements of couples when they dance,so elegant like magic. The sway, such beauty that audiences wonder if all the dancers have wings as they glide gracefully around the dance floor like angels. They were all magically beautiful and lovable at the same time. Yes I get carried away with my imagination sometimes. I cant help it.

 People wonder how deep are my thoughts. I say it's far more deep than what a yellow submarine can normally submerge into the deep ocean beds. Why Yellow? I don't know. It just is.

 I always try sleeping as an emergency backup plan hoping that my thoughts will fly away without being noticed. But then, sleeping involves seeing different creatures in another land. Another land which was created out of fear and sadness. Are you afraid? because I am.

The Joker

Welcome back John! Us in Bangsar!