Something Inside

Welcome. Good day. Good Night. Famous questions I often ask most of the people I know. Do you believe in hope? Why do you even care? Why do we fall in love? Their answers are weird enough to understand. I cant be bothered enough to try comparing it with the situation I'm currently facing.The thing is I always ask myself all these sensitive questions but never once I gave an answer to it. It is as if I've lost my voice, I've lost my mind, I've lost myself. As time passed, all the questions got tangled with one strong black string which  swings itself up and down,left and right around me, to torture me, to find me guilty. But the importance of the thoughts died right away after it got tangled, it signifies that I've given up. It got blown away by the wind like ashes gently and swiftly coming out from the casing towards the cold water of the bloody red sea. 


Some times I try so hard to move on from these rubbish questions because my thoughts bugs me every night before I go to sleep. when I'm sleeping and...just about every single moment of my fucking life. It wakes me up in the middle of the night. It gently touches my face at first and hope for a response from me but failed. It gets angry. It loves anger very dearly. ''Anger is good. Anger is beautiful. Anger is beautiful.'' It sings this line while grabbing my neck tightly and viciously strangles me till my millions of breaths were reduced to one. My poor lungs.When I slowly opened my pair of dead eyes, it whispered to my right ear ''Some things are just better if it is left alone''. The whispers went on and on in my head. The words whispered itself like a melody. Like an unwanted piano left alone in a house in Transylvania,placed high up on a hill where the dwelling is closest to dark skies, slowly playing sentimental songs on it's own repeatedly.And I? Frightened of course. I tried to scream. I tried to move. I tried to pray. I tried to think. No I didn't have anything left in me so I couldn't do anything. What I did was I stared at the black ceiling on my queen sized bed, scared. Just waiting for something to happen.


 Waiting kills. Waiting is a crime. Waiting is a murderer ..waiting is torture.. waiting..waiting till something happened. 


I managed to break lose from my subconscious mind and screamed out loud. '' What am I gonna do!!? Just fucking leave me alone!''. Then, something invisible started covering my mouth.The same soft and calm whisper came along to play with my dark hair and gave me a painful scar across my face. The pain killed me  internally. ''Nothing,my boy..nothing ..A risky decision to run away from me''. The voice of a strange man, killed my confidence entirely. I was trapped in my very own torture chamber where my thoughts wee controlled by this useless son of a bitch. I wanted to get out from that empty room so badly..I wanted ..at least tell the woman I love that she's beauti...too late for that.. but ..no... The shock made me different.


You see a flock of birds flying in the open blue sky. I see flightless birds on the ground,unmoved. I see disaster. I see danger. I see things which are the unthinkable. I see life as unfair. I see violence. I feel greedy,selfish..I fellt devilish .I had felt frightened and depressed by all the small things that could happen to me by this darker side of me. I was hoping it stayed hidden within me but hell broke lose. 


The anger, the hatred, the arguments, the riots, the bombs, the ghost of me..It affects the mind and heart of any person I got close with. So I'm alone. No wait. I'm not. My fearful thoughts is with me. I don't need anyone. I find love embarrassing. I find compassion a form of disgust. I find hope and faith useless.


It's the anger that keeps me alive. It's the hatred that keeps me thinking. It's violence that keeps me moving. It's the depression that calms me. ..It's the overthinking that changed me enirely. What drives you?