Thursday, May 31, 2012
Something Inside
Welcome. Good day. Good Night. Famous questions I often ask most of the people I know. Do you believe in hope? Why do you even care? Why do we fall in love? Their answers are weird enough to understand. I cant be bothered enough to try comparing it with the situation I'm currently facing.The thing is I always ask myself all these sensitive questions but never once I gave an answer to it. It is as if I've lost my voice, I've lost my mind, I've lost myself. As time passed, all the questions got tangled with one strong black string which swings itself up and down,left and right around me, to torture me, to find me guilty. But the importance of the thoughts died right away after it got tangled, it signifies that I've given up. It got blown away by the wind like ashes gently and swiftly coming out from the casing towards the cold water of the bloody red sea.
Some times I try so hard to move on from these rubbish questions because my thoughts bugs me every night before I go to sleep. when I'm sleeping and...just about every single moment of my fucking life. It wakes me up in the middle of the night. It gently touches my face at first and hope for a response from me but failed. It gets angry. It loves anger very dearly. ''Anger is good. Anger is beautiful. Anger is beautiful.'' It sings this line while grabbing my neck tightly and viciously strangles me till my millions of breaths were reduced to one. My poor lungs.When I slowly opened my pair of dead eyes, it whispered to my right ear ''Some things are just better if it is left alone''. The whispers went on and on in my head. The words whispered itself like a melody. Like an unwanted piano left alone in a house in Transylvania,placed high up on a hill where the dwelling is closest to dark skies, slowly playing sentimental songs on it's own repeatedly.And I? Frightened of course. I tried to scream. I tried to move. I tried to pray. I tried to think. No I didn't have anything left in me so I couldn't do anything. What I did was I stared at the black ceiling on my queen sized bed, scared. Just waiting for something to happen.
Waiting kills. Waiting is a crime. Waiting is a murderer ..waiting is torture.. waiting..waiting till something happened.
I managed to break lose from my subconscious mind and screamed out loud. '' What am I gonna do!!? Just fucking leave me alone!''. Then, something invisible started covering my mouth.The same soft and calm whisper came along to play with my dark hair and gave me a painful scar across my face. The pain killed me internally. ''Nothing,my boy..nothing ..A risky decision to run away from me''. The voice of a strange man, killed my confidence entirely. I was trapped in my very own torture chamber where my thoughts wee controlled by this useless son of a bitch. I wanted to get out from that empty room so badly..I wanted ..at least tell the woman I love that she's beauti...too late for that.. but ..no... The shock made me different.
You see a flock of birds flying in the open blue sky. I see flightless birds on the ground,unmoved. I see disaster. I see danger. I see things which are the unthinkable. I see life as unfair. I see violence. I feel greedy,selfish..I fellt devilish .I had felt frightened and depressed by all the small things that could happen to me by this darker side of me. I was hoping it stayed hidden within me but hell broke lose.
The anger, the hatred, the arguments, the riots, the bombs, the ghost of me..It affects the mind and heart of any person I got close with. So I'm alone. No wait. I'm not. My fearful thoughts is with me. I don't need anyone. I find love embarrassing. I find compassion a form of disgust. I find hope and faith useless.
It's the anger that keeps me alive. It's the hatred that keeps me thinking. It's violence that keeps me moving. It's the depression that calms me. ..It's the overthinking that changed me enirely. What drives you?
Monday, May 28, 2012
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Blue
Dad's firm lunch in Shogun. Couples having their sweet mingle session. Staffs having a whale of a time with other staffs and family members. Dad and mom had to socialise with the rest and they were at the same table with my sister's godparents and their family. Initially, I sat with my parents at a table beside. When they moved to the next table, my 12 year old cousin came to sit with me. I was quite surprise actually. I don't know why. I'm so close minded suddenly. My mind wasn't right and this boy just sat down and I said HI!. I'm like sooooo how're you nowadays? how's your new school? Like any girls yet? I just had to pump the questions out from my head because I wanted to be elsewhere if possible and it was.
So we talked for almost an hour or 2. Can't really tell because my mind was waiting for this stupid message which wasn't important. So there we were talking and I have to say, I wanted the conversation to go on as long as possible because I felt misplaced there and it felt good talking to someone I knew since young. Although 12, who cares about the age gap when we're young. It's quite a lost to me when I'm no longer the one who still plays with him and throws him here and there or waxing his hair before my aunt picks him up from my house or playing football outside the house. No I'm already that ''grown up''. So yea he told about school and his current issues, I gave him some advices. I think I made it clear to him. ..I don't choose to be on the adult side, I never had a choice. Nobody had the choice.
It's part of life which really sucks so badly when you're having fun and the next thing you know, you're too old for this. You're too old for this,that,this,that...I agree that some day you gotta make a choice of your own. Decisions made by yourself is taking one step closer of being an adult. And that's what I did when my dad got sick. I learned to be independent, the slow and harsh way which fucking hurts when you're falling down emotionally but then, getting up with an invisible shining armour around the entire body, secured,strong and bold.
Nowadays, small things push me aside. My mind will be elsewhere disrupted, distracted and dissatisfied with her not replying or him not replying,of her thinking about how useless I am, of him thinking I'm ...All these that weren't essential suddenly became important. I know it is ridiculous and stupid. But that is how it is. I don't know why. Because I needed someone to talk to.
We hear the talks everyday. The judgements, the comments ...whatever you call it. All I'm saying is to let go. They criticise, you let it go...Find a person to talk to, one way to ignore the current thoughts...Nobody knows how but find a way..
So we talked for almost an hour or 2. Can't really tell because my mind was waiting for this stupid message which wasn't important. So there we were talking and I have to say, I wanted the conversation to go on as long as possible because I felt misplaced there and it felt good talking to someone I knew since young. Although 12, who cares about the age gap when we're young. It's quite a lost to me when I'm no longer the one who still plays with him and throws him here and there or waxing his hair before my aunt picks him up from my house or playing football outside the house. No I'm already that ''grown up''. So yea he told about school and his current issues, I gave him some advices. I think I made it clear to him. ..I don't choose to be on the adult side, I never had a choice. Nobody had the choice.
It's part of life which really sucks so badly when you're having fun and the next thing you know, you're too old for this. You're too old for this,that,this,that...I agree that some day you gotta make a choice of your own. Decisions made by yourself is taking one step closer of being an adult. And that's what I did when my dad got sick. I learned to be independent, the slow and harsh way which fucking hurts when you're falling down emotionally but then, getting up with an invisible shining armour around the entire body, secured,strong and bold.
Nowadays, small things push me aside. My mind will be elsewhere disrupted, distracted and dissatisfied with her not replying or him not replying,of her thinking about how useless I am, of him thinking I'm ...All these that weren't essential suddenly became important. I know it is ridiculous and stupid. But that is how it is. I don't know why. Because I needed someone to talk to.
We hear the talks everyday. The judgements, the comments ...whatever you call it. All I'm saying is to let go. They criticise, you let it go...Find a person to talk to, one way to ignore the current thoughts...Nobody knows how but find a way..
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
I'm blind. All the time. Tick-tok tick-tok tick-tok. Often I don't see I'm playing an ignorant and unmindful role, I'm just trying to impress the people. And the thing is I know damn right that I'm not that type of person to be playing this role. It's not normal.I just get carried away with a small glance or an informal gesture or message from another person then everything will change. Every colour and every pattern alter so fast until I don't realize the impact till now. I see the world indifferently. My pair of eyes has been blinded by the shine of comparison. The thing is we humans compare every single detail with others. From top to bottom, from inside and out. I was slowly poisoning my own mind, already fragile mind with expectations.
It's stupidity. It's really stupidity. I don't get myself most of the time but who does? Nah don't give the nonsense that I should know because I really don't know. Don't tell me to grow up because growing up is not as easy as ABC. It's complex and I can't stand it. The thing is I want something you guys don't. I want a hopeful heart and mind. That's all. I want to stand my ground with a heart and mind so pure that not even a small dust can dirty the white clean surface. It's so pure that it illuminates every second when I awake from my sleep. I don't want to get fooled by anyone anymore because it hurts. It burns. It poisons. It breaks. I'm done And you know what's scary? Changes. Feelings change. Thoughts change. People change. I changed.
I'm not myself lately and lately, I'm lost...and lately, I will be found..slowly..no rush.
It's stupidity. It's really stupidity. I don't get myself most of the time but who does? Nah don't give the nonsense that I should know because I really don't know. Don't tell me to grow up because growing up is not as easy as ABC. It's complex and I can't stand it. The thing is I want something you guys don't. I want a hopeful heart and mind. That's all. I want to stand my ground with a heart and mind so pure that not even a small dust can dirty the white clean surface. It's so pure that it illuminates every second when I awake from my sleep. I don't want to get fooled by anyone anymore because it hurts. It burns. It poisons. It breaks. I'm done And you know what's scary? Changes. Feelings change. Thoughts change. People change. I changed.
I'm not myself lately and lately, I'm lost...and lately, I will be found..slowly..no rush.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)