''Don't leave..please''
''I have to..Someday you''ll understand..when you're bigger and have a wife of your own..''
''What if your plan doesn't work?''
''My plans had always work.''
(A letter that was never sent).
Dear Charlie,
You know dreams are big. Look at the building outside of the window. It's much much bigger than that. Dreams come in all shapes and sizes. Don't give up searching. Mommy has always been there. Wiping your tears when you fell off a bike, stroking your hair while reading any red book that you love so much( You love red apples, red red...anything which was red), feeding you while you were trying to talk like daddy, watching you play football and scored and you doing your famous ritual dance after showering which made me laugh so hard. Daddy wasn't there. Daddy was at home, where he belonged to. Remain friday as an ice cream day. Do it with mommy. She'll make time. Time is precious, Char. When you make time for somebody, it's as pure as faith.
We all make mistakes in life. We crush people's heart like what you did to mommy when you're 15, caught smoking in the bathroom. Your mother knows everything. The habit, your facial expression, the girl and the secrets. You must be thinking I was spying on you, putting hidden cameras all over the house. I didn't. I can't even afford to pay the electricity bills at the end of the month. You were so young to understand that life isn't so simple and buying you books and toys on your birthdays were so hard because we just couldn't. You'll be disappointed and I'll be miserable. Then, mommy shouts and I listened to everything she had to say. I took it like a man.
Sometimes, you don't get the respect and kindness from others. They'll treat you like you're a nobody, wiping their shit whenever they go. People will hurt you. The worst part of life is you hurting yourself. You see yourself in the mirror so stressed up, jobless, a divorcee. You got no appetite to live anymore, the food on the table untouched like the life of yours.. meaningless. Plans don't always work. People will leave you at one point in life. I can't be there for you all the time and same goes to Mommy. Like I said, time is gold. You can't buy time.
You know, you made me smile everyday when we were a young family, way before Karen. Even the day you ruined my beautiful cabinet record player and I slapped you for that. I forgive you. The day you destroyed my favourite golf stick. I canned you. I forgive you. The day you used my car while you were out intoxicated, driving so fast and destroyed it.Thank God, you live Charlie. I forgive you. You dont't get to say goodbye to me. I get to say goodbye to you. Get it? The day you told me that she left you. You said sorry. I forgive you.
But the thing is do you forgive yourself, Char? Stop trying to find answers for forgiveness. It's pointless. Forgiving is letting yourself free from all thoughts and moving on with an empty mind. It's not too late to start again. You're still a young adult. Long way to go my boy. You're journey doesn't end here.
Even after I left Mommy, you and Karen mattered most to me. You make sure you take care of her. Even how sad or happy she is, you gotta be there. Family is forever Charlie. Family is everything. Don't forget your roots. And Charlie? Keep writing . That's my advice. I didn't send you to uni to see fuck around with your life. If love is lost, find love on your own by doing what you love then the next step will be yours to decide. I've read your self made book before. Your passion in writing is astonishingly beautiful.
I screwed up Charlie..I screwed up badly. I never knew why life is treating me like a tortured dog starving in a suburban street. When Uncle Jo got me this job which I had no idea it was illegal. He got shot in the head when we couldn't pay up to the masked man. I told him I would pay him if he gave me a week. I was begging, on my knees with a gun pointed at the side of my head. I was shit scared and almost watered in my pants. The money wasn't important. Keeping the family safe matters. So I left. I got drunk. I got murdered.
I'm invisible now. My only wish is to send this letter to my son. There's this white door which is locked and I can't open it. I tried bulldozing it one day but it only made me more sick. I don't know what happened to Charlie. I do want to know but this door just wouldn't let me in.
