190

Have you ever isolated your earliest childhood memory? Mine is when I was three years old. It was summer. A carnival in the park near our house. There were balloons and cotton candy stands. A bunch of guys who had just finished a tug-of-war were lined up at the water fountain.

I must have been thirsty, because my mother lifted me by my armpits and carried me to the front of that line. And I remember how she cut in front of those sweaty, shirtless men, how she squeezed one arm tight around my chest and used her free hand to turn the handle. She whispered in my ear, ''Drink the water, Charley,'' and I bent forward, my feet dangling above the ground, and I slurped it up, and all those men just waited for us to finish. I can still feel her arm around me. I can still see the bubbling water. That is my earliest memory, mother and son, a world unto ourselves (For One More Day)

Come Back

I miss the moments where me and my brother would used to wrestle on the bed in our room. The pillows as metal chairs, the bed as the square arena and  the door as the main entrance. The crowd would be open windows, blue walls and cupboards. They were alive when we were wrestling. The atmosphere was always intense and as the air conditioner blew the cold air, we wrestle till one wins. I always lose. The big fat buffalo, my brother, strong as ever would pin me down and count from one to three so quickly that  I struggle to break loose from the human trap most of the time. Sometimes, he let me wins. When my cousin came, it would be a triple threat match. The more the merrier aint it? One of the coolest part of the room was my bed. My double decker bed from IKEA. The lower part was my study area and the upper part was the bed. It had the small ladder. Jumping off from my bed to the other bed of my brother's was extreme but we still do it anyway. I love that bed and  I do love my imagination back then. The  purest imagination will always be when we were young. So reckless and careless. Imagination can never be right or wrong and so when we're young. We did more wrongs than rights. But that is for me and brother. Still so young and the only thing we cared about is making daddy and mommy proud. I am very sure we didn't make them proud for this because it frequently ends with one person crying in  the end and mainly, my cousin cries. And the cries..we tried to decrease the sound but always fail. 

In that very room, was my mini football practice area. Kicking it against the wall numerous times till something breaks and the maid had to stop ironing the clothes in her room while the radio was still on. She will run to the room and check whether I am okay. I usually gave that sarcastic answer because people interrupting me was just a pain in the ass back then. I didn't learn how to appreciate the maid back then. I was the extreme pampered one. I was the worst in the family. Not proud to say it but it is one of the things my sister like to describe about me. After school, it's always a normal routine to walk in through the door and shout '' KAK! Saya nak makan."  Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. The weekends were exceptional because dad will be around and like most of us, I am quite scared about what my dad thinks of me when I shout the 4 words in BM where I can just walk and grab the food. It's not that I don't a pair of hands or a pair of legs or both. The dishes washed, the numerous pairs of shoes kept in order, the all time messy room(mine) cleaned and the trash taken outside. All done by her. Now, when the maid is gone, everything changed. I do the dishes, I keep the shoes, I clean my room, I take my own food from the oven or the rice from the rice cooker. It depends how lazy I am. At one point, I'll just ignore and just get told off by my mother. You know moms. They all work the same. But I am still glued to my mother wherever she goes, back then and even now.

The thing is we all will change in life. We don't realise it because we're too busy with education or work. Too busy to appreciate small things such as the maid doing all the things where we can just do with our bare hands. We're not any different from one another but one is just lazy. I'm the laziest person you'll ever know. Another thing, that would describe me best. This time the say is from my mother.

It's a different feeling now, thinking about this memory. 

Lady Sunshine

''Don't leave..please''

''I have to..Someday you''ll understand..when you're bigger and have a wife of your own..''

''What if your plan doesn't work?''

''My plans had always work.''

(A letter that was never sent).

Dear Charlie,

You know dreams are big. Look at the building outside of the window. It's much much bigger than that. Dreams come in all shapes and sizes. Don't give up searching. Mommy has always been there. Wiping your tears when you fell off a bike, stroking your hair while reading any red book that you love so much( You love red apples, red red...anything which was red), feeding you while you were trying to talk like daddy, watching you play football and scored and you doing your famous ritual dance after showering which made me laugh so hard. Daddy wasn't there. Daddy was at home, where he belonged to. Remain friday as an ice cream day. Do it with mommy. She'll make time. Time is precious, Char. When you make time for somebody, it's as pure as faith. 

We all make mistakes in life. We crush people's heart like what you did to mommy when you're 15,  caught smoking in the bathroom. Your mother knows everything. The habit, your facial expression, the girl and the secrets. You must be thinking I was spying on you, putting hidden cameras all over the house. I didn't. I can't even afford to pay the electricity bills at the end of the month. You were so young to understand that life isn't so simple and buying you books and toys on your birthdays were so hard because we just couldn't. You'll be disappointed and I'll be miserable. Then, mommy shouts and I listened to everything she had to say. I took it like a man.  

Sometimes, you don't get the respect and kindness from others. They'll treat you like you're a nobody, wiping their shit whenever they go. People will hurt you. The worst part of life is you hurting yourself. You see yourself in the mirror so stressed up, jobless, a divorcee. You got no appetite to live anymore, the food on the table untouched like the life of yours.. meaningless. Plans don't always work. People will leave you at one point in life. I can't be there for you all the time and same goes to Mommy. Like I said, time is gold. You can't buy time. 

You know, you made me smile everyday when we were a young family, way before Karen. Even the day you ruined my beautiful cabinet record player and I slapped you for that. I forgive you. The day you destroyed my favourite golf stick. I canned you. I forgive you. The day you used my car while you were out intoxicated, driving so fast and destroyed it.Thank God, you live Charlie. I forgive you. You dont't get to say goodbye to me. I get to say goodbye to you. Get it? The day you told me that she left you. You said sorry. I forgive you. 

But the thing is do you forgive yourself, Char? Stop trying to find answers for forgiveness. It's pointless. Forgiving is letting yourself free from all thoughts and moving on with an empty mind. It's not too late to start again. You're still a young adult. Long way to go my boy. You're journey doesn't end here.

Even after I left Mommy, you and Karen mattered most to me. You make sure you take care of her. Even how sad or happy she is, you gotta be there. Family is forever Charlie. Family is everything. Don't forget your roots. And Charlie? Keep writing . That's my advice. I didn't send you to uni to see fuck around with your life. If love is lost, find love on your own by doing what you love then the next step will be yours to decide. I've read your self made book before. Your passion in writing is astonishingly beautiful.

I screwed up Charlie..I screwed up badly. I never knew why life is treating me like a tortured dog starving in a suburban street. When Uncle Jo got me this job which I had no idea it was illegal. He got shot in the head when we couldn't pay up to the masked man. I told him I would pay him if he gave me a week. I was begging, on my knees with a gun pointed at the side of my head. I was shit scared and almost watered in my pants. The money wasn't important. Keeping the family safe matters. So I left. I got drunk. I got murdered.

I'm invisible now. My only wish is to send this letter to my son. There's this white door which is locked and I can't open it. I tried bulldozing it one day but it only made me more sick. I don't know what happened to Charlie. I do want to know but this door just wouldn't let me in.

I'm Your Puppet

Darling, you've got full control of your puppet
Pull them little strings and I'll kiss your lips, I'm your puppet
Snap your fingers and I'll turn you some flips, I'm your puppet
Mm, your every wish is my command
All you got to do is wiggle your little hand
I'm your puppet, I'm your puppet I'm just a toy, just a funny boy
That makes you laugh when you're blue
I'll be wonderful, do just what I'm told