Have you?

Have you ever had those unbearable moments where everything doesn’t go your way? You try do the easiest thing possible that can even be done by a newborn; to move your right leg forward but it ends with the left one moving. The concoction of failures, depression and frustrations, all twist and turn in your mind. The only thing that you want to do is to get rid of all these burdens but you cant let go of it because it’s like a haunted figure that never seem to be satisfy with you. Then, all sorts of unnecessary stress and anger suddenly frightened you until you lost yourself completely. So you scream at your loudest and weep at the most weird places ever; in the car, the bathroom, your friend’s house or while you’re jogging around your neighbourhood.

Have you ever turn off the engine of your car, the headlights and just stare into the darkness in the middle of the road? And think of what it is gonna be like in the next ten years or the next twenty years? and even if it is just for minutes, you’ll always feel it’s forever. Then, you slowly start back the engine and drive away, hoping no one you know had noticed you.

Have you ever felt that everyone around you is moving on, maybe a hundred steps ahead of you but you’re still at the same old starting point of life, hoping for the better but never want to risk anything. And you try to make yourself better by

Safe it

Eleven cats. A son who forgets the love and compassion of a mother. A husband who will be unforgiven as long as he live. An unborn grandson. A sewing machine. A purple crossword puzzle book. A wonderful singer who sways to the sound of old-fashioned music. Patience buried in her. Memories floating around her. Her kindness really make me feel really ridiculous after meeting her on the first day of work. She stays at a corner house near the office,service center. And comes in randomly whenever she likes and she loves the office. Honestly, I love the office too. The people here are like blankets and comfortable pillows on a Saturday night. The instant click among the colleagues made me feel good about working life.


Who is she? I call her Auntie Rofizah Lim. She doesn't walk into the office. She glides her way through the narrow space of the office, along with her kindness and beauty that sparkles as bright as a night time firework session by the beach. Every time I see her, a new story is told and I absorb as many words I can. Sometimes she shares quotes she admire so much such as from Shakespeare, John F Kennedy..I note down. I felt quite embarrassed about it but I really found it beautiful. A wise lady. A lovely lady. A strong lady. A storyteller. And me? I listen to all of her stories because everyday is a new chapter. Whatever topic it is,it will be a lesson learned in life. Whatever lesson that is taught is a gift. And this gift? You don't get it frequently in life. A story from a person who has gone through a lot is a genuine gift...She's...almost like Santa.


Today, in the evening, I taught her how to use her brand new laptop patiently. After teaching her as much as I can, she said '' Rudy, when my son was your age, he still helps me with all of these and now he is just living in his own world..ungrateful he is.


Her smile was golden. Her enthusiasm when reading her mails made me feel like I really can do this everyday because I think I lost all of that and hope  that something as small as that can make me a person just as similar to her but maybe now is a good time for that..It is just the people I meet are sometimes fools. Fools of greed,ignorance and arrogance. 

Sides

Just one friend can make a difference. Making all the crazy rubbish nonsense thoughts of another person go away. I feel so helpless sometimes. Helping so many people with their problems. Taking my own sweet time managing their problems so they feel better but it doesn't help myself. I feel so helpless until the another person then manage mine by just talking about it and a few laughs. Then it would be better. It's a cycle you see.

Say

 Auntie Rofiza said this to me.
Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country."by John F. Kennedy 

Yes I had a dream

Things won't work out the way you want it to be. It's guaranteed. It will happen. You know the day will come when you get punch in the face. You know that very well. People will say so many things that can influence you. If you're not strong, you'll just believe the guy who is the opposite of you. You go like '' Oh, why not? It's worth a shot ain't it?''  No. You push aside those thoughts, you get up and be whatever you want to be. Chest up, face with the brightest smile, warm pair of hands and controllable emotions. Take all these and be a worthy human for once. You got to believe your plan will work eventually. Even if they say it's not working. What you need by your side is someone or a small number of people who will be there for you. Those who are unwilling to fight with you or for you, you forgive them and smile. It's hard to make them understand. It tires you. It drives you insane. Why make them understand when  they are already capable of changing themselves? 

What I want from all these is I want to have things moving as normal as possible. So real that my eyes do not close because something like a surprise shines brightly but the 'normal' glows. I want it to glow. The pair of eyes just watches everything and blinks unintentionally,when it wants to. I don't want it to be great, I don't want it to be something so good that it's unreal. I want it to be normal. Normal is fine. Normal is the best damn thing you can cherish and have hope for . I want to be able to sit down with a random person who can stick with me till the very end and laugh till our jaw breaks. Laugh till our stomach aches. Laugh till we laugh some more and some more till we're old. And when we're in our wheelchairs just waiting for some angel to take us away. I want whoever you are to remember all the laughter we made and say '' You're one hell of a guy''. I want it to be so emotional that I want to see the tears of bliss, satisfaction and hope. And some day when we meet again, we'll laugh some more. 

“You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they’re as dull as a brick? Then there’s other people, when you meet them you think, “Not bad. They’re okay.” And then you get to know them and… and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality’s written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful.”

—	Amelia Pond

James Vincent Mc Morrow - Higher Love