"Well, let’s say that since you were little, you always dreamed of getting a lion. And you wait, and you wait, and you wait, and you wait but the lion doesn’t come. And along comes a giraffe. You can be alone, or you can be with the giraffe."
“I’d wait for the lion.”
“That’s why I worry about you.” - Beginners, 2010 

"Hush, my sweet. These tornadoes are for you." - Richard Siken 

"Meanwhile in my head I’m undergoing open-heart surgery." - Anne Sexton 

Resolution

When we were young, we always thought that life was simple and equitable just as plucking the yellow petals from a sunflower at a secret garden without permission and getting away with it or playing hide and seek with a companion at a simple maze for hours. What I mean by simple in actuality? Go to school, have some good laughs with your friends, do a bit of your hobbies, maybe study and that's that.

We were blinded by our youth, our childish acts, our false realism of how life should be. Back then, our parents were sacrificing on how they could make ours and theirs meaningful, spiritual, bliss. They had a bag full of weights on their shoulders and the problems were handled consistently and persistently with obvious complaints shown only amongst themselves.

While our acknowledgement of theirs were somewhere else, we took everything for granted and embellish ourselves with selfishness, volatile sentiments and aggressive words. These unimportant foolishness, it can start a forest fire, climate change or civil wars. Well, you may question me and say it is metaphorically untrue that my perception is just because of my awful current state. My answer is Yes and No.

Having that said, yes because I don't think I can do it at all. I worry because I am only human. It is natural to feel fear or anxiety to grow up and welcome what the world has to offer. Maybe it is the after 2am thoughts which are untangling and dwindling my consciousness and self-esteem. I don't know. It is a shaky post. Next, no because it is not the magnificent now that has brought me here. I have been kept silent on my thoughts for far too long but that doesn't mean I don't recycle it in my head. It is on-going. It is a cycle. 

In the end, fairness and comfort are both a lost ghost, nowhere to be found; like coins at the bottom of a marble stone fountain; the unseen true love stuck as a notion but not a feeling; petty thoughts about a political change in Syria that were never said; a baby never born.

One.

You see her for the first time and she’ll walk right past you like you are a crack in the wall and she is a skyscraper with her head so high in the air and when you can’t sleep you’ll think about the way her eyes strayed into yours for a moment too long before breaking away and disappearing into the crowd of people.

Two.

She’ll look both ways before telling you she loves you under her breath and when she hugs you her eyes scan the empty room as if the walls had eyes and ears and mouths that could give you away.

Three.

When she’s curled up on your lap shaking with mismatched breaths you’ll wonder how someone who looked like she carried mountains on her shoulders could crumble so easily in your arms like the tornado in her mind finally hit her and knocked her off her feet.

Four.

In half-light she’ll run her fingers over your arms like she is reading words carved into your skin, binding them together into the perfect metaphor and you’ll hear it playback in your head at 4am when your head runs wild with thoughts of her.

Five.

You’ll find a safe haven on rooftops and abandoned rooms where she’ll set fire to your insides with hushed breaths between kisses planted perfectly on your lips and make you wonder how dangerous it is to play with wild flames while your body is made of paper.

Six.

You’ll stare God right in the eye and tell him that if loving her was a sin then you want no place in heaven with him because the way her lips fit perfectly on your neck is a type of paradise you’ll never forget.

The six stages of falling in love with her. // by rb 

Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention? - Joel Barish, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Love Letter

Hesphire was bedded with multiple layers of pure whipped cream encountering constant sprinkle of snow from the sky. It slowly settles on top of little rainbow-coloured cubicle houses amidst enormous dull looking pine trees and rusty street lamps in the neighbourhood. From a distance, fine thick black smoke could be seen from chimneys of several houses. The sunlight has disappeared for a few weeks again which is normal. People always assume that the nearest star to earth is hiding behind the large not-so-green hills and wonder why it has always been hiding till today. It can be seen as a 2-D coloured drawing pasted on the back walls of a pre-school classroom. As gloomy as it is, the night is like a dreamlike fairy tale scene where everyone could see the naturally decorated northern lights spiralling aimlessly in thin air. Natural beauty at it's best. I think that's why nobody has ever left Hepshire. It may sound cliché but home IS indeed where the heart is. 

Looking closely now on Warrant Street, there was a dark blue uniformed postman delivering letters to each house on a cold windy day. His apron hands were wrapped around his body underneath his thick black coat whilst carrying a torn bag which was nesting perfectly on his right shoulder. He had been looking down for quite a while when moving around, just observing the tiny little cracks on the grey cement floor while simultaneously experiencing drops of snow directing towards him from the opposite end of the street. This disrupted his vision entirely but he still kept walking anyway. To make it worse, an unbearable frosty wind came knocking at him suddenly that made him lose his balance. It was very unfortunate. He then gave a huge sigh and stopped walking. He was just standing in the middle of the suburban street clearing his thoughts.

Before he could move any further, he heard a distant sound ahead of him echoing from where he was. He then quickly looked up. A small blurry figure was rapidly getting closer and closer. A young boy came running towards him and started shouting, ''Hey Mr.! Hey! I have a letter to be sent out! ''. The postman replied, ''You're kidding right, Charlie? What are you doing out here in the cold. Go back home.'' After settling down from the fatigue through his multiple awkward panting, he replied ''Like I said I just need this letter to be delivered to Amy Dexter who lives not too far from here.'' He pointed at the corner house with his index finger and winked at the postman along with a thumbs up.

''Someone is in love eh champ?'' The postman gave an awkward smirk when looking at the yellow brightly lit house and continued ''Okay, I'll send the letter but promise me that you'll go back inside and keep your mom company. Oh, tell your mom I said hi.''

''That's easy. Do you reckon she will like my letter? I bet she is just gonna throw that letter away and not talk to me in school for a very long time. I'll be lucky enough if she even talks to me when I reach 30. '' Charlie muttered.

He snorted at the last sentence and shook his head. ''Why do you say that? And what do you think love is anyway? ''. The postman then placed his bag down and sat on the icy cool pavement. 

''This is a good story. A few days ago, I announced in class that I was in love with Amy in front of everyone after reading a poem. She blushed like an eruptive volcano and was so embarrassed that she ran out of class. Skipped the remaining classes and never came back. We only had two classes remaining anyway,'' ''. Love. Love. That's so hard. I read this somewhere. Love is patient. Love is kind....Love makes you feel different about a person. Like Amy Dexter's name, I react differently when someone mentions her name to me. You know that feeling that you got to see her all the time. Yeah that feeling. I would wear matching socks together with her if she asks me to. That's humiliating enough!' He winked again.

''My boy, you gotta stop winking like that cause you're scaring the shit outta me,'' ''That went well for ya at school,'' He paused for a few seconds staring at the brick walls of an abandoned building on the other side of the street, reminiscing his halcyon days through his eyes.

''I know..I know love is .......love..unconditional. Love is faith and hope, both at once. Love is a miracle! Love is magic! It takes a lot patience, bravery and understanding to hear what God wants us to feel for a person. You can't force love nor can you control it, ''

''What else? Don't fall in love with the idea of a person but rather the person himself or herself..I tell ya things aren't all perfect. It is gonna hurt at some point, to the extent that all roots of love will be pulled out from ya. Ya gonna feel naked like empty pockets, but hang in there y'know? Love takes time. It may require many new start-overs. So don't be so hard on yourself if it crumbles down miserably. Just don't give up on love because the best thing about love is you get to love. It is a spell casted in a potion whereby the person has already drank a full bottle of it and the feeling is astonishingly beautiful.''

The young boy just looked at him without blinking, admiring his wisdom and passion. He then started kicking the layered snow off his shoes towards the empty road. ''People think love is just about progressively building a skyscraper like the Eiffel Tower in Paris or Burj Khalifa in Dubai. Yeah.. I can pronounce Burj Khalifa perfectly alright! It is NOT about how massive or how high it is gonna be. Because you may just lose your way easily and forget the real meaning behind all the sacrifices and effort you have made initially. In the end, what matters most is finding the right door on the right floor with a bit of luck coming your way. That's how I visioned love to be and that's how I think it should be. But love is more complex than my words. You can't always describe love the way you perceived it to be. There's no denying the power of love is always there. Somewhere. If the consequence requires me to get struck by lighting again, I'll love again. Oh Emma, I hope you're listening to this.''

After that last statement, the coldness were getting out of control so the postman walked Charlie back home which was one block from where they were and he would spent exactly 2 hours drinking hot tea and made a severe rambling to Charlie and his mom about the weather, his job but never about Charlie's crush. It was a secret between both of them. And when that period of frosty atmosphere began to thaw, he said his good-byes and continued delivering the remaining letters especially the letter to Amy Dexter. 

Before he walked out of the door, he whispered into Charlie's left ear ''Hey sport..well..erm..there are many rules about love that you need to know and understand...but you'll come across to that later, much later. This is from me. Sometimes, you can't choose that 'person' to go your way. You just can't. But that doesn't mean it is over okay? The good things will come back... so as the bad things. And..and..when the bad things come so fast in a blink of an eye...it is going to ache for awhile..it depends.. you just gotta trust yourself and get yourself out of it. The faster the better yeah?...That's good. See you around, sport.''

Mother's Day

''Do you believe in magic, Alice? ''

''Yes Mama. I also believe in Angels, Tooth fairies, and...and Santa! ''

''Hmm. Do you believe Momma can be all of these people you just mentioned? ''

''Mm hmm but how? You are not as tall and round like Santa. You don't fly like the Tooth Fairy. You don't have wings like Angels do, Mama. ''

'' I don't need all of these features you watched on the tele, babe. All I need you is to believe that I could be whatever you want me to be that makes you happy. I promise there will be presents under the Christmas tree during Christmas..BUT make sure there's hot chocolate and two pieces of cookies served nicely on a small oval table. You want Santa to be happy too, don't you? I'll also be the Tooth Fairy making sure there will be money under your fluffy pillow so you will never be poor. ''

''How about Angels, Mama ?! How about Angels?! Can you fly? I know I know! You glow at night and shine like the sun? ''

The mom smiled widely admiring how beautiful a curious 5 year old child could be. Now she began thinking carefully on what to say next. In the midst of the process, she combed the beautiful hazel hair of Alice and look deeply into her also coffee coloured eyes. She began.

'' I have always been your guardian angel, Al. Always keeping you safe and sound, happy and bubbly, never hungry and strong. No monsters or aliens or boys.. definitely no one will take you away from me because mommy will be here for you -at the corner of your eye, underneath the deep blue ocean where mermaids are living, on top of cold mountains where lions roar in the morning and wolfs howl at night, on top of a white cotton candy cloud and here. ''

The mom pointed at her daughter's chest where the heart is. Alice places her right palm on top of her mother's and suddenly observing how beautiful her own mother is. She see a bit of gray hair, wrinkles on the forehead, lips like the red sea and a pair of diamond blue eyes. Both of them sitting on a queen size bed and suddenly a gust of cold wind blew across the room, touching them gently as the windows were open.

''Even if I am gone for a few seconds or days , just whenever- hold here and speak as though you are talking to me right now, Al. Because I will listen and when I am visible again, you could tell me again to make sure I heard whatever you said, okay? Mommy loves you very much.''

Alice smiled till the whole wide world could notice her two front tooth had gone missing. Alice hugged her mom and said joyfully ''Okay mom OKAY! '' She started laughing and spoke aloud to her fashionable barbie doll and human-like teddy bear that wears a tuxedo.

Before sleeping, she whispered quietly to both of  her treasury toys ''My mom is Santa. My mom is the Tooth Fairy. My mom is my Guardian Angel.''

5

You see, I have placed everything and I mean everything inside this alluring treasured box. I don't wish to open it for a very long time. Likewise, I wish I could snap my fingers and it would be gone. Out with the old, in with the new. That's how I see it. However, I know that there are many repercussions ahead when I am walking into a swarm filled with alligators. That's why I tend to avoid that twenty minutes of movie climax all the time. I think of it like stealing my all-time favourite cookies from Mom's cookie pot and silently tip-toeing away to the attic upstairs so that I can enjoy that 5 seconds of heaven (which is after that climax). In short, I am deliberately skipping an essential part that many individuals go through. 

It worries me sometimes that when I dream about my decision and only remembering a glimpse of it as I daydream during the day. It just comes back. It starts surfacing to my horizon through my pair of eyes like those purple and orange sky you see in the evening. You can't stop looking at it because it is just so surreal. That's what is happening here when I recall my dreams. I tend to create this semi-imaginative tale that it matter in fact happened before. Questions start falling down from the sky at night like shooting stars. When it fall, it thumps with a loud bang as the frenzied shattering of stars begin, one by one. It is like this everyday. It is between fantasy and reality or vice versa. I don't know which comes first or whether the latter is even true.  

My Time Machine Thoughts

• We all have questions about life. Tonnes of them. Millions of them. With that, there are ambiguous answers hidden that we need to search for and fully understand. But the truth is some of us are not ready to listen to these answers because sometimes the pain that is felt after listening to the truth and fate’s calling is unbearable like a hunter swiftly piercing a sword into a lion’s heart. The bravest heart I have ever known.  (7 months ago)

• Have a little faith, Rudy. (6 months ago)

• Brave heart, Rudy. (6 months ago)

• Fuck cancer okay. It is fucking stupid and .(5 months ago)

• ”Things will be better tomorrow.” (4 months ago)

• The truth is life may not be as perfect as those brightly contented stories in the multiple books already being read or the screenplay in movies already being watched. It doesn’t need perfection like those. Maybe your heart gets broken and your head is out of place because of somefuckingshitreallifeproblems. But you know what, just tell yourself, ‘I am done and there’s a long long way to go. You’re the novelist of your books and you’re the director of own your movies. Make it a beautiful one. (4 months ago)

• It is frightening to see the sulken face of the young and old in the Cancer and Radiosurgery Centre. Then you start thinking what life would they have while going through this painful situation. All I could think is that they just have to make the best out of it. (3 months ago)

• A concoction of rainbow coloured potions in Prof. Snape’s class stirring in my head and slowly bursting into flames like a wildfire. Sometimes I wish I could just skip the hurdles in front and not try so hard to get an answer. One final push. You just gotta roll with it y’knw. Life doesn’t stop for anybody, Rudy. (5 days ago)

“I think of you a lot. I think of you and me walking along in a parking lot at night. Our shoulders rubbing against each other as we listen to our voices. We’re both damaged and beautiful. We know the order of order and the order of disorder. We’ve both been hunted and nearly destroyed by weaklings with big ideas. We know the night." - Henry Rollins (Black Coffee Blues)