Anti D

I have hard times when all I feel is just sadness. I feel the total opposite of how gentle and soft a human heart and mind ought to be.  I try to look good for myself so I wouldn't spread any discomfort of what I have felt before. I am trying..so hard.

I have to put on an artificial smile each day like the cardboard colored mask you wear for a fancy party or the glittery Venetian Masquerade Masks when attending a ballroom dance on Sunday evenings. The body movements of couples when they dance,so elegant like magic. The sway, such beauty that audiences wonder if all the dancers have wings as they glide gracefully around the dance floor like angels. They were all magically beautiful and lovable at the same time. Yes I get carried away with my imagination sometimes. I cant help it.

 People wonder how deep are my thoughts. I say it's far more deep than what a yellow submarine can normally submerge into the deep ocean beds. Why Yellow? I don't know. It just is.

 I always try sleeping as an emergency backup plan hoping that my thoughts will fly away without being noticed. But then, sleeping involves seeing different creatures in another land. Another land which was created out of fear and sadness. Are you afraid? because I am.

Clinging

Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad week. Some asshole kissed the the Honda City and when things I thought would be fine. Drove mom's car and pooofff are #$%^&*$%^&*( flat tyre.

Bright

Friends. We need them mostly for distraction when we have a concoction of anger,misery and depression. We need them but some times they fail to enlighten you. The credits you did for them were miraculous..triumphant. They need you when they need you. When you need them> They'll shatter you in broken pieces. As painful as a broken arm. A solemn and silent pain slowly announcing how bad it is from mind to body. A friend said '' You have to be selfish sometimes''. I think I'm done being the nice one. People tend to take you for granted. Babies want their mothers. Children want toys. Teens want material things. If I have a choice, I'll take all that away from you,friend.

Stay

Finding happiness for some people is like torture. They have to sacrifice so much to gain happiness. They explain it as though they're walking deep inside a tropical greenery where the air is humid and above, the sun is not afraid to shine. It exposes all the sunbeam to the ground making some plants die and others blooming ( By now,you should know that a few people will have their answers while others are still searching). If you look further, you then have to climb over tall mountains which are as tall as an endless sky. When you're already at the top of the world, happiness is all the way up there, upon those thick black clouds. Suddenly, the sun is covered by darkness. Everything suddenly turns ugly and what you see is only dark colours around you.Then, you think 'Happiness seem to be a gloomy word'. In the end, people just forget about it and think how ludicrous and ridiculous they were from the beginning. You won't get your way all the time. You will fall.

I believe big things can be just small things noticed. Don't tell me you need expensive things to make you happy. Not all the time, it's a person anyway. If it is so be it. You're alone. I'm alone. We're not lonely. We're just alone. Ignore how others find happiness. Be selfish for once. Love yourself for once. Listen to yourself for once.

 Do what you love. Read a book, play the violin no matter how shitty you are, Run... run as though freedom's hands just grab hold onto yours. It definitely fits perfectly. Never let it go.

Dear Monash, please send that offer letter. I hate waiting. My patience is boiling .Thank you~!

Breathe

I'm always afraid of changes. If I like something, I'll never think of altering anything for better or worst. I'll stick to the original plan. Believing that my plan works has it's disadvantage too. What if my plan fails and nothing good is left, just sadness blowing around me like a whirlwind, leaving me aimless, hopeless and confused.

My parents.. have been advising me non stop. Over and over again. I got noone else to run to. Even how stupid or ignorant I can be, arguments are normal and the situation often gets watered suddenly to ease the fire..maybe a slight spark but it's a mild one. I'm trying not to make a fool out of myself in the future but I don't think I'm trying as hard as I can.

Sacrifice is always an option but I'll find a longer way which most of the time ends up with nothing. I always feel like I'm drowning in unnecessary and heavy thoughts. Some say I think too much and express too little.

 I'm taking too much time. I know. I'm making my parents worry more. I know. I'm having a hard time digesting all of these mess too you know?

Hours

Had an awful day today. Like one of the worst.

The night really transformed the whole situation to a funny ending. 3 idiots talking and talking and the stories were never ending. A tap continuously allowing a stream of water to flow out. We had the coffees. We had the time. We had the night.

Fast

Sometimes I feel like telling you Oh I'm sorry. I forgot . I only existed when you want something.

Tokyo

Society and their expectations.Endless fake smiles. I'm tired of all these. Someday I'll just go away. You'll see.