Love Letter

Hesphire was bedded with multiple layers of pure whipped cream encountering constant sprinkle of snow from the sky. It slowly settles on top of little rainbow-coloured cubicle houses amidst enormous dull looking pine trees and rusty street lamps in the neighbourhood. From a distance, fine thick black smoke could be seen from chimneys of several houses. The sunlight has disappeared for a few weeks again which is normal. People always assume that the nearest star to earth is hiding behind the large not-so-green hills and wonder why it has always been hiding till today. It can be seen as a 2-D coloured drawing pasted on the back walls of a pre-school classroom. As gloomy as it is, the night is like a dreamlike fairy tale scene where everyone could see the naturally decorated northern lights spiralling aimlessly in thin air. Natural beauty at it's best. I think that's why nobody has ever left Hepshire. It may sound cliché but home IS indeed where the heart is. 

Looking closely now on Warrant Street, there was a dark blue uniformed postman delivering letters to each house on a cold windy day. His apron hands were wrapped around his body underneath his thick black coat whilst carrying a torn bag which was nesting perfectly on his right shoulder. He had been looking down for quite a while when moving around, just observing the tiny little cracks on the grey cement floor while simultaneously experiencing drops of snow directing towards him from the opposite end of the street. This disrupted his vision entirely but he still kept walking anyway. To make it worse, an unbearable frosty wind came knocking at him suddenly that made him lose his balance. It was very unfortunate. He then gave a huge sigh and stopped walking. He was just standing in the middle of the suburban street clearing his thoughts.

Before he could move any further, he heard a distant sound ahead of him echoing from where he was. He then quickly looked up. A small blurry figure was rapidly getting closer and closer. A young boy came running towards him and started shouting, ''Hey Mr.! Hey! I have a letter to be sent out! ''. The postman replied, ''You're kidding right, Charlie? What are you doing out here in the cold. Go back home.'' After settling down from the fatigue through his multiple awkward panting, he replied ''Like I said I just need this letter to be delivered to Amy Dexter who lives not too far from here.'' He pointed at the corner house with his index finger and winked at the postman along with a thumbs up.

''Someone is in love eh champ?'' The postman gave an awkward smirk when looking at the yellow brightly lit house and continued ''Okay, I'll send the letter but promise me that you'll go back inside and keep your mom company. Oh, tell your mom I said hi.''

''That's easy. Do you reckon she will like my letter? I bet she is just gonna throw that letter away and not talk to me in school for a very long time. I'll be lucky enough if she even talks to me when I reach 30. '' Charlie muttered.

He snorted at the last sentence and shook his head. ''Why do you say that? And what do you think love is anyway? ''. The postman then placed his bag down and sat on the icy cool pavement. 

''This is a good story. A few days ago, I announced in class that I was in love with Amy in front of everyone after reading a poem. She blushed like an eruptive volcano and was so embarrassed that she ran out of class. Skipped the remaining classes and never came back. We only had two classes remaining anyway,'' ''. Love. Love. That's so hard. I read this somewhere. Love is patient. Love is kind....Love makes you feel different about a person. Like Amy Dexter's name, I react differently when someone mentions her name to me. You know that feeling that you got to see her all the time. Yeah that feeling. I would wear matching socks together with her if she asks me to. That's humiliating enough!' He winked again.

''My boy, you gotta stop winking like that cause you're scaring the shit outta me,'' ''That went well for ya at school,'' He paused for a few seconds staring at the brick walls of an abandoned building on the other side of the street, reminiscing his halcyon days through his eyes.

''I know..I know love is .......love..unconditional. Love is faith and hope, both at once. Love is a miracle! Love is magic! It takes a lot patience, bravery and understanding to hear what God wants us to feel for a person. You can't force love nor can you control it, ''

''What else? Don't fall in love with the idea of a person but rather the person himself or herself..I tell ya things aren't all perfect. It is gonna hurt at some point, to the extent that all roots of love will be pulled out from ya. Ya gonna feel naked like empty pockets, but hang in there y'know? Love takes time. It may require many new start-overs. So don't be so hard on yourself if it crumbles down miserably. Just don't give up on love because the best thing about love is you get to love. It is a spell casted in a potion whereby the person has already drank a full bottle of it and the feeling is astonishingly beautiful.''

The young boy just looked at him without blinking, admiring his wisdom and passion. He then started kicking the layered snow off his shoes towards the empty road. ''People think love is just about progressively building a skyscraper like the Eiffel Tower in Paris or Burj Khalifa in Dubai. Yeah.. I can pronounce Burj Khalifa perfectly alright! It is NOT about how massive or how high it is gonna be. Because you may just lose your way easily and forget the real meaning behind all the sacrifices and effort you have made initially. In the end, what matters most is finding the right door on the right floor with a bit of luck coming your way. That's how I visioned love to be and that's how I think it should be. But love is more complex than my words. You can't always describe love the way you perceived it to be. There's no denying the power of love is always there. Somewhere. If the consequence requires me to get struck by lighting again, I'll love again. Oh Emma, I hope you're listening to this.''

After that last statement, the coldness were getting out of control so the postman walked Charlie back home which was one block from where they were and he would spent exactly 2 hours drinking hot tea and made a severe rambling to Charlie and his mom about the weather, his job but never about Charlie's crush. It was a secret between both of them. And when that period of frosty atmosphere began to thaw, he said his good-byes and continued delivering the remaining letters especially the letter to Amy Dexter. 

Before he walked out of the door, he whispered into Charlie's left ear ''Hey sport..well..erm..there are many rules about love that you need to know and understand...but you'll come across to that later, much later. This is from me. Sometimes, you can't choose that 'person' to go your way. You just can't. But that doesn't mean it is over okay? The good things will come back... so as the bad things. And..and..when the bad things come so fast in a blink of an eye...it is going to ache for awhile..it depends.. you just gotta trust yourself and get yourself out of it. The faster the better yeah?...That's good. See you around, sport.''

Mother's Day

''Do you believe in magic, Alice? ''

''Yes Mama. I also believe in Angels, Tooth fairies, and...and Santa! ''

''Hmm. Do you believe Momma can be all of these people you just mentioned? ''

''Mm hmm but how? You are not as tall and round like Santa. You don't fly like the Tooth Fairy. You don't have wings like Angels do, Mama. ''

'' I don't need all of these features you watched on the tele, babe. All I need you is to believe that I could be whatever you want me to be that makes you happy. I promise there will be presents under the Christmas tree during Christmas..BUT make sure there's hot chocolate and two pieces of cookies served nicely on a small oval table. You want Santa to be happy too, don't you? I'll also be the Tooth Fairy making sure there will be money under your fluffy pillow so you will never be poor. ''

''How about Angels, Mama ?! How about Angels?! Can you fly? I know I know! You glow at night and shine like the sun? ''

The mom smiled widely admiring how beautiful a curious 5 year old child could be. Now she began thinking carefully on what to say next. In the midst of the process, she combed the beautiful hazel hair of Alice and look deeply into her also coffee coloured eyes. She began.

'' I have always been your guardian angel, Al. Always keeping you safe and sound, happy and bubbly, never hungry and strong. No monsters or aliens or boys.. definitely no one will take you away from me because mommy will be here for you -at the corner of your eye, underneath the deep blue ocean where mermaids are living, on top of cold mountains where lions roar in the morning and wolfs howl at night, on top of a white cotton candy cloud and here. ''

The mom pointed at her daughter's chest where the heart is. Alice places her right palm on top of her mother's and suddenly observing how beautiful her own mother is. She see a bit of gray hair, wrinkles on the forehead, lips like the red sea and a pair of diamond blue eyes. Both of them sitting on a queen size bed and suddenly a gust of cold wind blew across the room, touching them gently as the windows were open.

''Even if I am gone for a few seconds or days , just whenever- hold here and speak as though you are talking to me right now, Al. Because I will listen and when I am visible again, you could tell me again to make sure I heard whatever you said, okay? Mommy loves you very much.''

Alice smiled till the whole wide world could notice her two front tooth had gone missing. Alice hugged her mom and said joyfully ''Okay mom OKAY! '' She started laughing and spoke aloud to her fashionable barbie doll and human-like teddy bear that wears a tuxedo.

Before sleeping, she whispered quietly to both of  her treasury toys ''My mom is Santa. My mom is the Tooth Fairy. My mom is my Guardian Angel.''

5

You see, I have placed everything and I mean everything inside this alluring treasured box. I don't wish to open it for a very long time. Likewise, I wish I could snap my fingers and it would be gone. Out with the old, in with the new. That's how I see it. However, I know that there are many repercussions ahead when I am walking into a swarm filled with alligators. That's why I tend to avoid that twenty minutes of movie climax all the time. I think of it like stealing my all-time favourite cookies from Mom's cookie pot and silently tip-toeing away to the attic upstairs so that I can enjoy that 5 seconds of heaven (which is after that climax). In short, I am deliberately skipping an essential part that many individuals go through. 

It worries me sometimes that when I dream about my decision and only remembering a glimpse of it as I daydream during the day. It just comes back. It starts surfacing to my horizon through my pair of eyes like those purple and orange sky you see in the evening. You can't stop looking at it because it is just so surreal. That's what is happening here when I recall my dreams. I tend to create this semi-imaginative tale that it matter in fact happened before. Questions start falling down from the sky at night like shooting stars. When it fall, it thumps with a loud bang as the frenzied shattering of stars begin, one by one. It is like this everyday. It is between fantasy and reality or vice versa. I don't know which comes first or whether the latter is even true.  

Hello Stranger

Somewhere Over A Moody Rainbow

There she was, snoring beautifully and loudly just like her paps, like a fire alarm, like an explosion in the sky. Lying flat with a bouquet of white damaged daisies that she loves so much since young on top of her chest. Skylar woke up to the sound of birds chirping with autumn leaves scattered around her in a nearby park. Her head was throbbing. It really felt as though a gigantic meteor rock just penetrated her head and crushed her brain cells. She started putting the empty alcohol bottles into the brown paper bag from last night's 'Confessions of An Alcoholic' session and threw it into a bin just beside the road. She then took out a cigarette from her jeans pocket and elegantly placed it behind her ear while searching for a cheap lighter in her backpack. Once found, she made magic with it as though the fag was a magic wand. Deeply inhaling the venomous yet happy chemicals and subsequently forming three circular rings of silver out from her mouth. 

Skylar had a shattered heart and an obvious broken smile. She dared herself if any passerby noticed her on the ground and took the initiative to say hi or wave, she would change herself entirely and be better. Sadly no one came. So she sat down on the thin wet grass and finished the whole box of 24 cigarettes as though it was a box of chocolates. She starts combing her red and purple hair naturally with her right palm as a gentle mild breeze rocketed at her. Slowly, she closed her eyes as sunlight penetrated right at her and she remained like that for a few minutes. She was hoping that it was God's way of showing her a sign that He had already listened to her story.

Once the ocean blue eyes were open, waves were crashing in the pupils and there was an old man on his wheelchair moving towards Skylar. He was smiling and waving at the same time. A well rounded man with the biggest pair of glasses in this whole universe wearing a Oakland Athletics cap, faded flamingo coloured T-shirt and brown pants. He had awfully dry skin covered with pure whitish salt moustache and eyebrows. ''Cigarettes are bad for ya kid,'' initiated the old man. 'It's breakfast sweetie,' she coolly replied. The old man was marveled by her answer while raising an eyebrow. He continued talking after a few seconds of pause. 'Oh so.. food! Like protein, carbohydrates yea? So the kids in Africa get to smoke up like a chimney right? to prevent hunger yeh? What on earth are they teaching you in school these days,' The Old man smirked while looking at the lake in front of them. 'I'm Peter by the way.' Skylar gave a huge smile and giggled a little. Skylar enthusiastically shouted ''PETER BITTER LITTER!'' and continued 'I'm sorry. It's a nice thing to do y'knw... for you to talk to me...and I am grateful for that.' 'You're acting as though no one talks to you before. I am glad you are,' 'Are you crying?' inquired Peter.

One great thing all humans have is the power to have emotions. Some say emotions are poisonous like a snake's venom, maybe because of a breakup in a relationship, a divorce in a marriage, a death of a mother, a car crash etc. The good stuffs are everywhere too-a mother laying her eyes on her first born, a child winning a 100m race, a teenage girl finally able to fit into her old pair of skinny jeans after 3 months of vigorous exercise. Well that's not on the news. Is that all to life? Less likely. On that Sunday afternoon, Skylar's tears were visible under the illuminating sun. The drop of tears looked like expensive see-through crystals.  She nonchalantly glanced at Peter and said ''Just an orphan lost in the real world with no hands to hold or heart to feel, Peter. It hurts so much that I feel so invisible...so insecure to others and sometimes it scares me that God is not listening to my prayers. I feel like I really wasted my life.' 

'Young girl, one thing I know about life is that you are gonna lose yourself numerous times throughout your priceless life and it is your duty to find yourself back again. No maps. No hints. Just a beating heart. That's all. Pick yourself up and stand on both feet. Do not waste a second of your lifetime feeling depressed or destroyed by the millions of reason what you are not and how life should be because life is unforeseeable. Accept your flaws because the imperfections are unique and beautiful. Just an orphan you say? So what? Work hard, fight the battle that's in front of ya and don't you dare try to raise the white flag in your heart. Every individual has their own bloody war. And the scars and death..it strengthens you. Fight for what is lost and love. So don't just say you're an orphan and unloved. Go out there and search for it. Find meaning in life.' expressed wisely and calmly by Peter

Skylar listened attentively at what Peter has to say and looked only into Peter's watery eyes when he was talking. She nodded after every sentence. Before leaving the wise old man said ''I hope you find the strength to pick yourself up when you are pushed to the ground. And about being in love... it is the most... frightening yet wonderful thing I have ever done in my life. To love someone, my soulmate. If he or she's the one, they will always find their way back to you in the end. Trust me. Peoples' version of someone being beautiful is manipulative. Make sure you define it clearly with no one else but you, got it? Good bye darling. Such a lovely day isn't it?' He gave that award winning smile again.

When it was over, she went over to hug him tightly like a cosy pillow and offered him a cigarette which he declined. She only said thank you because she didn't know what else to say. While walking back to the orphanage, she thought of that moment when the wind was blowing at her before Peter came along. Maybe it was God she thought. All she knew was she wasn't the same person as before and she did change to be better. 

T.A.F

The thing about feelings. It is like an enormous hexagonal shaped diamond plant in our heart. It functions brilliantly if people just let it be because it shines, producing a spectrum full of colours helplessly whenever sunlight travels into the object. Just like the emotions from our heart when a scenario had happened-A furious and stressful father, a scared and nervous brother going for war and a loving mom kissing a child's forehead before he sleeps. All of these creates something beautiful in life. There will be ups and downs, fairness and unfairness, life and death, love and hate but life is full of surprises. Life is like a road trip. Life is like going into a supermarket without any shopping list and just getting items you never thought of. Life is like a black bird flying wherever it can- north, south, east, west.

But once there was a man who told his son'' Toughen up boy! Boys do not cry. It embarrasses me that you are fucking weak''. So he did what everyone would automatically do right after having been told off by his own father. He stopped crying, cared less and ignored the consequences thinking he is a brave man with a metallic heart...not forgetting buried feelings. Every question asked by his dad was always a '' Yes/No sir or Yes/No Mr''. He was more like an employee than a son. It went on like this for a long time because when we were young, your dad was a superman. Your dad was someone special on a rare baseball card. Your dad was a celebrity on the Oprah Winfrey show.

Then, one day after coming back from university, he saw his old man cried in the general hospital. The mother/wife has just died due to a brain tumour. That point of time, tears were streaming down his porcelain face. The tears flowed like a waterfall till it turned into drops, dripping internally and gently to the metallic heart. The metals were slowly ripping apart till the heart can be seen glowing. The warmth, guilt and pleasant feeling. After awhile, it shone so bright like a set of fireworks lit up at night during a new year. The son, Jamie hugged his dad and told his dad '' It's alright dad.'' They remained like that for a few minutes. Both of them didn't want to let go of each other. They suddenly thought of their son/brother who never came back after the war too. This is real they thought. It wasn't a bad dream. 

A Speech At The Funeral.

''..I was wrong, J. So wrong. Every man has the right to feel whatever they want...My wife, my lover, you'll be home..where the heart is''. He pointed up to the sky with his index finger and looked at the mourners for a few seconds. ''We bury and neglect every feeling inside thinking it is wise decision to do so. We usually engulf the sadness and only give a smirk when we are happy. All those feelings will eventually develop a heavy chest. It is like drinking vast amount of whisky but instead of fucking up the liver. It is destroying the heart. When sunlight travels into a piece of diamond, a burst of colours are formed..just like feelings pumped out from the heart. Enjoy that moment when it is at bliss, make it a lesson when you are disappointed or sad. Just let it be. You are not man enough? No that's not right. Are you human enough to have felt it?'' 

D.C.

''It is difficult to talk about the what ifs and should bes in life to your ownself, it takes forever. Believe me, I tried. Don't fret because it gets better. I am gonna tell you a story on how I survived this great disaster. This story is gonna make you feel infinite. This story is going to be like a tsunami wave crashing towards you and you manage to survive it. This story is gonna make you wanna jump when no one is looking from the tallest building in the city of angels and you survive it. But now is not the time. P.S. I am a good liar, ''said Charlie

(''I have just five minutes to change your mind eh, Charlie? Be patient Charlie. Let me speak. Let patience flow through your veins, arteries and nerves. Let patience not play mind games with you anymore and let patience wash away the sympathies, regrets and agonies. I see the scars all over your hand buddy. Silence is one hect of a scary sound when you are alone but sometimes you just have to keep calm and understand the whole situation because it is not your fault. It is never your fault that she died. Blame me, Charlie or blame the fucking plumbers who always get the pipes wrong in our house. Hey Hey!! Look here, Charlie. Look here not there. People don't know it that but I do. ''

''It hurts..Stop this pain,'' cried Charlie

''I know it does. I also know if you are thinking whatever you're thinking right now, it gets worse.
So hang in there buddy. Hope is this thin rope holding us from believing some miracle would come save us one day because I know just how deep the cut is. Stop closing all these doors, stop asking questions that no one can answer because the thoughts will just grab you away from reality. Stop tying that rope around your neck, and hand it over. Believe Charlie. Believe in yourself. Have hope in your eyes and faith in your guts. Stay with me. Everything breaks but you don't have to. Just know that if you have a toolbox with a customised screwdriver and a wooden hammer, I'll fix you even if it takes forever. It is never too late.  '')

Charlie Smith

Still too young.

16 June 1993 - 6 April 2013

98

I am a dying star. You might think stars do not have a heart. I solemnly suggest you to think again. When they have a broken heart, they glow. When they have a strong heart, they shine. Just at the central core, right in the middle.. Voilà! - An orange beating heart filled with energy.

I am trapped in this deep black hole, unmoved, untouched, frightened and depressed. There's a creepy and scruffy looking man who is here too. He's all white - hair, beard and weird looking moustache. He usually sweeps away the fallen stardust deteriorating from my glowing body. He wears dirty old clothes and likes to mutter things to himself consistently. I once asked '' Hey Mister, nice to meet ya. I am...''. That was the end of my first attempt to speak to him because he shouted at me or maybe to himself. I don't know. It was complicated. I just know that he was mad that I interrupted him while he was mumbling words like Lord...I didn't...survive.. I nicknamed him '' Mad Whitey'' after that.

One day when Whitey was asleep not far from me. I tried my second attempt to talk to him. I said softly ''Got a hobby Whitey?''. No response from him so I decided to talk to him pretending he was listening to me anyway ( but maybe he was). ''I used to fly around the whole galaxy acknowledging the milky way, destroying asteroids as I glide pass through different planets-Pluto, Jupiter, Mars. One thing about humans- they fancy me flying across their planet. They like pointing at me with their index finger and    will usually ask someone to make a wish. I really like that. The belief and hope they have on me when they see me floating in the sky makes me extraordinary. And now it is time to go. Time to leave. Time to say goodbye to you, my old friend. ''

Whitey suddenly got up slowly at the same time rubbing his fake sleepy eyes. He sat facing me, legs crossed and with great posture. He responded with ease '' My dear oh dear boy. This is not it. This is not how the story ends. It is an end ... to one chapter but.. there is another chapter and another. Life is full of surprises. Don't you forget that. You are with me now. Don't worry Twinkle. You were lost and I found you. I'll guide you, I'll protect you child. ''

He kissed my forehead and we walked through this white wooden door. I felt relieve for once because everything was normal. Normal is good. Normal is great. Suddenly tears start streaming down my face. I wiped off the tears using both of my hands and I looked at him for a few long seconds. I smiled crookedly and whispered ''It is happiness.'' He nodded and left with a cheeky smile.

I wasn't around to see this but Whitey told me there are now hundreds of stars happily shinning as bright as a supernova. Every night. Every hour. Every minute. Every second without fail. This was not the end.

Blue

'If you never have been there then you wouldn't know what it's like', right? 

We all have bad times and we blame ourselves too often thinking 'It was my fault and...' .It never stops. So we will be thinking till 4 in the morning or worst, we never sleep. Labyrinth. That's what it is called. Chasing for an answer that we assume will be in our heads like chasing a lost ghost in a cemetery without any trace of footprints. 

We're like pirates with a huge ship but without a map. So keep sailing around an Ocean of thoughts, hoping a message in a glass bottle will appear in front of us and pray that it is the answer to our adventure. But no, that's not it. We were too late. The transparent glass bottle got swallowed by the Ocean because it felt selfish. Selfish because people have been poisoning the Ocean for years. Chemicals of all sorts from ignorant and naive bastards.

Let me ask you a question. Have you seen an Ocean cry before?

No

No? Because it is always hidden by the colour navy blue of itself, the colour exactly like the tears of the ocean. So no one knows the pain.

09

Often we assume that friendship has an electric response right after you become nice and kind to others. You have a thought that karma has the answer of giving something pleasant to you . You do good, you'll feel the good vibe and let fate decide to sparkle your day; today or tomorrow. I hope I am right.

I'll be honest I seek for appreciation or a pat on the back with a thank you each time I lend a hand to a friend. I don't see that value anymore. Most of the time, when I see people say thank you or sorry, they'll be saying as though it is a simple hello. They don't know the real meaning of the words. They're just saying it for the sake of saying it because that's the way people have been doing it. It is equivalent to not even saying it because they don't even mean it.

It is sad to see after being disappointed at them, when they need help, they just come through your door as though nothing had happen or they'll be sending a text in a sense of urgency which they never had before. What is this? Some kind of  appreciation we have around here.

13

We are preoccupied with time. If we could learn to love space as deeply as we are now obsessed with time, we might discover a new meaning in the phrase to live like men. -Edward Abbey

Firstly, Happy New Year! Secondly, I am afraid as time is passing too quickly. I am going for the monotonous role so bear with me.

1)The Fall. It is extremely difficult to get back up walking with the chin up when things start to crash down but I am learning how.

2) Independence. Well, some times, the only solution is within us and not others. It's time consuming but if you found it, the inner strength makes us to do better in any task.

3) Friends. They got your back. They are the best goddamn distraction you'll ever have.

4) Sentimentalist. Everyone is gonna have a sudden emotional breakdown ; in the car, in the room, in the library but it gets better. I don't know how but that's the way it is. It is okay not to be okay.

5) Plans. Not all go according to plans. Even if you have a Plan B or C or D.

6) Movies. I always wanted to be those calm ones, heroes, the successor like the actors in movies - the truth is we're not like them but we can try. We're pretty messed up on the outside but we're definitely, without doubt, beautiful inside.

7) Love. Love is dangerous.

8) Family. I know I don't show much of my love to all my family members but I love them so much. Evenings golf session with my dad is one of the coolest and relaxing thing I've done so far with him.

9) Leaving. They leave but they'll come back. I promise.

10) Have a goal. No wait have more but be realistic at the same time.( telling to myself)

11) Photographs. TAKE AS MANY AS POSSIBLE LIKE THERE'S NO EFFING TOMORROW. You won't regret a year later.

12) Forgive. Honesty. Patience. Kindness. Love. Passion. Working on that.

13) Understand. the people, the place, the history behind everything.

People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. - Kent M. Keith

6

”Why everybody leaves, Rudy?”

He wiped his tears and sat on the ground before Steph picked him up. I was stunned. I never seen him like this before and yet I had no answer.

I didn't know what to say because I never thought he would react in a way that would burst my thoughts leaving me a blank page all over again. I wanted to say at least something fruitful. I wanted to tell him that he is so much stronger than now.  I wanted him to try. So I give him a big giant hug and he gave a small speech which I took personally. I remained quiet thinking what if I was in his position. The scary part of all this was I am going to face the same scenario soon. Soon enough, to crumble slowly. I never thought he would cry. I never did.

Before we went into the house, I said, ” Remember Mr Ho? ”

He replied ” Of course. How can I not remember him? He was my class teacher laah.”

Fair enough. I smiled and lifted my right arm over his shoulders and we walked in.

009

The Six Rules 

1. If you like something because you think other people are going to like it, it’s a sure bet that no one will.
2. Most doors in the world are closed, so if you find one that you want to get into, you damn well better have an interesting knock.
3. Everything that you think is important isn’t. Everything that you think is unimportant is.
4. Don’t shit where you eat.
5. Lean into it. The outcome doesn’t matter. What matters is that you were there for it, whatever ‘it’ is - good or bad.
6. Don’t sleep with people who have more problems than you do.

-People Like Us

78

Sometimes you just gotta look around to see how lucky you are. Amongst all, they are the shining stars.

It is amazing to be around with such blessed people during Christmas. I am honestly saying that even though there were people including me having a bad day, when it was at night, it was different…when an uncle of yours tells a joke spontaneously and suddenly, the whole family roars a perfect laughter that echoes the entire house. Or an aunty noticing you, serving you small portions of scallop potatoes on your plate with a beautiful smile. Or the cousin who was down with fever suddenly feeling so excited and happy when playing the Xbox. Or the part where Rox opens up the bottle of white wine and distributing to the whole bunch of amazing people. Or that sneaky dog that steals food on the ground whenever there’s a golden chance. Or the part where everyone gets their presents and mutter thank you. It felt like ‘thank you’ was the best thing to say on that day. Last but not least, when everyone was watching the tele and enjoying the movie like a happy family with a happy ending.

56

Dear Hope,

It is horrible to see how things can change in a speed of light. I was watching you smiling the other day as though you were the luckiest person of the day. I have to say you could easily win an award for that playful crooked smile of yours. Then the next day I saw you again, you were frowning. I can’t stop thinking why you were so broken like a priceless porcelain vase accidentally knocked down in a museum. A chain reaction happened and I was sharing the sad thoughts and feelings with you.  

I've heard from a friend of mine that once you’re falling from the top, the seconds are much longer and the hours are worst. It is scary because I think he was absolutely right after seeing you on the second day. And the truth is we are all afraid. We’re afraid of losing someone close to us, afraid of drowning in a pool of failures, afraid of trying something new, afraid to love.

But one day, just one day, it is going to be the opposite. You start rising from the fall. You will..I know you will become stronger, bolder and wiser. There will be a white light shining at the end of the dark tunnel. Sooner or later, you’re going to be part of that white light and everything is going to be alright. Do not let your failures stop you from doing what you believe in. Because I truly believe in you.

Sincerely yours,

Fate

Go

You are suppose to keep going, not stop. You shouldn't stop. Don't wait until it destroys you completely. You don't deserve to be broken. Every human are fragile at heart and mind but that doesn't mean you have to take the punches and kicks from your problems.  No matter how horrible things are right now or how bad it seems to be ten days from now, don't give up. Swallow the fear, let it churn in the insides of  your acidic stomach. Well, it is going to ache and of course you will suffer so much that sometimes, you go crazy, you weep, you shout till you don't have a voice.

But have the courage to go through all these burdens because in the end, you sense the difference of different scenarios, feelings, perceptions in life based on the starting line and the finishing line. You control your own happiness and at the same time you control your very own sadness. Increase the joyfulness and let go of all the sorrowfulness, grudges and jealousy.

“Remember how far you’ve come, not just how far you have to go. You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be.”

—	Rick Warren

Stars

“The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff.”

—	Carl Sagan, Cosmos

AA

Breathe. Looking up to heaven. Taking in the ray of light. Stretching across the long coast. Falling back to past time. Asleep in the wallow. Crying and shivering. Hunting for your sorrow. Bending down to hold it. Shiver like you're gonna try. Scatters like it did This. Killing off your habit. Take me as your servant. Take me as your weapon. Take me as your courage. Take me as your servant. Take me as your servant. Take me as your servant.

1

It was just me and that Schnauzer, alone in the living room. That dog is a wonderful listener I must say. I didn’t even bother if it could understand me. I just needed some living creature listening to me because mostly all the humans who are living are already dead inside, like a robot with a customize computer chip placed on the back of their heads, programmed with instructions on what they ought to do.So there I was, whispering to the dog while playing some random tune on the guitar. The dog was lying down on the ground, looking at me thinking how strange I was at night than in the morning. Maybe it is that artificial invisible mask we humans wear everyday. After talking for an hour or so, with tears rolling down from my sleepy eyes to my cheeks, I say no more. I slept. It was just one of the best feeling ever to let everything out and suddenly realize how ridiculous your problems were because there are other people somewhere else in this world who have real and solemn problems which they have no chance to control it. 

I am trying to navigate my flaws to somewhere else but as a sailor, there are strong tidal waves smashing into my robust ship. It wasn’t as compact as before when I first had it. Unfortunately, it is much weaker now but I am really trying to repair every holes and every dented surfaces so I wouldn’t sink beneath the ocean. Because my organs, thoughts and feelings are my crew and I can’t just let them down. I want a sign to really believe that hope and faith is the truth and that it is astonishingly beautiful like an island with so much greenery and golden sand on the grounds whenever I come across it when sailing. I want to travel and experience the external surroundings and will be appreciating every second of it if I was given the chance.

..I kind of realize the next day that whatever I said last night, I couldn’t even remember mostly of what it felt like at that very moment when I was just talking aimlessly. It’s really like champagne where usually people make a toast and drink a full glass of it and that’s it. You enjoy and let it go. You felt it once and you won’t feel it again unless you drink some more.