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Sometimes you just gotta look around to see how lucky you are. Amongst all, they are the shining stars.

It is amazing to be around with such blessed people during Christmas. I am honestly saying that even though there were people including me having a bad day, when it was at night, it was different…when an uncle of yours tells a joke spontaneously and suddenly, the whole family roars a perfect laughter that echoes the entire house. Or an aunty noticing you, serving you small portions of scallop potatoes on your plate with a beautiful smile. Or the cousin who was down with fever suddenly feeling so excited and happy when playing the Xbox. Or the part where Rox opens up the bottle of white wine and distributing to the whole bunch of amazing people. Or that sneaky dog that steals food on the ground whenever there’s a golden chance. Or the part where everyone gets their presents and mutter thank you. It felt like ‘thank you’ was the best thing to say on that day. Last but not least, when everyone was watching the tele and enjoying the movie like a happy family with a happy ending.

The Architect

An architect design houses for people. Well, my brother design smiles for people with his annoyingly funny jokes. He has been like that all the time. He never chose to grow up. Sometimes you want that from somebody because they are naturally happy even when they are through rough times. I want that. I want the comical act and words from his mouth,  his drumming hands and drawing hands.. but I’ll stick to myself.

The most stable in the family. Courageous. Helpful. Strong. Wise. Religious. Funniest.

Have a safe flight. Get that Scottish slang and make the whole family proud. I’ll see you soon my brother.

4 legs

My dog currently has a poor heart condition and can't seem to walk at the moment. Today, the veterinarian and her assistant came to the house and did what they gotta do. It was so difficult to keep the dog calm because it was a really big dog. My mom and Ryan had to comfort him. Everyone was drenched in rain for at least an hour trying to lift the dog to the cage so that the doctor could do a blood test and inject with some painkiller and also because the dog needed shelter.

My pet dog whom I know since forever,my best friend. Although he gets mad when the postman delivers the mail, although he poops and pee where ever he likes; sometimes the garden, sometimes at the porch,. Although he chews on multiple slippers and the breath like wine :). Anger is an option. I can control it. I love my dog and when nobody was around , I usually walk outside of the house and sit on the bench and talk to the rascal. Usually it will sit  beside me and just look at the cars passing by. Then, I will complain all the shit I have gone through. How ridiculous an asshole can be or how life is unfair.

It was so sad seeing the dog laying side ways, trying so hard to get up. Even to do his 'business', he managed to crawl itself to the garden but still there were some stain of pee and faeces on it's legs.This suddenly made me think of Tuesdays with Morrie for some reason.

I almost cried under the pouring rain..or maybe I already did but the rain just covered it. I was just holding a red umbrella, praying and did what the vet asked me to do.

Talk about humans..What about animals?

Quotes

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

—	Maya Angelou (

Gift

Ryan did this for dad's birthday.

Trees

James Vincent Mc Morrow - Higher Love

Ryan's Graduation

Come Back

I miss the moments where me and my brother would used to wrestle on the bed in our room. The pillows as metal chairs, the bed as the square arena and  the door as the main entrance. The crowd would be open windows, blue walls and cupboards. They were alive when we were wrestling. The atmosphere was always intense and as the air conditioner blew the cold air, we wrestle till one wins. I always lose. The big fat buffalo, my brother, strong as ever would pin me down and count from one to three so quickly that  I struggle to break loose from the human trap most of the time. Sometimes, he let me wins. When my cousin came, it would be a triple threat match. The more the merrier aint it? One of the coolest part of the room was my bed. My double decker bed from IKEA. The lower part was my study area and the upper part was the bed. It had the small ladder. Jumping off from my bed to the other bed of my brother's was extreme but we still do it anyway. I love that bed and  I do love my imagination back then. The  purest imagination will always be when we were young. So reckless and careless. Imagination can never be right or wrong and so when we're young. We did more wrongs than rights. But that is for me and brother. Still so young and the only thing we cared about is making daddy and mommy proud. I am very sure we didn't make them proud for this because it frequently ends with one person crying in  the end and mainly, my cousin cries. And the cries..we tried to decrease the sound but always fail. 

In that very room, was my mini football practice area. Kicking it against the wall numerous times till something breaks and the maid had to stop ironing the clothes in her room while the radio was still on. She will run to the room and check whether I am okay. I usually gave that sarcastic answer because people interrupting me was just a pain in the ass back then. I didn't learn how to appreciate the maid back then. I was the extreme pampered one. I was the worst in the family. Not proud to say it but it is one of the things my sister like to describe about me. After school, it's always a normal routine to walk in through the door and shout '' KAK! Saya nak makan."  Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. The weekends were exceptional because dad will be around and like most of us, I am quite scared about what my dad thinks of me when I shout the 4 words in BM where I can just walk and grab the food. It's not that I don't a pair of hands or a pair of legs or both. The dishes washed, the numerous pairs of shoes kept in order, the all time messy room(mine) cleaned and the trash taken outside. All done by her. Now, when the maid is gone, everything changed. I do the dishes, I keep the shoes, I clean my room, I take my own food from the oven or the rice from the rice cooker. It depends how lazy I am. At one point, I'll just ignore and just get told off by my mother. You know moms. They all work the same. But I am still glued to my mother wherever she goes, back then and even now.

The thing is we all will change in life. We don't realise it because we're too busy with education or work. Too busy to appreciate small things such as the maid doing all the things where we can just do with our bare hands. We're not any different from one another but one is just lazy. I'm the laziest person you'll ever know. Another thing, that would describe me best. This time the say is from my mother.

It's a different feeling now, thinking about this memory. 

Lady Sunshine

''Don't leave..please''

''I have to..Someday you''ll understand..when you're bigger and have a wife of your own..''

''What if your plan doesn't work?''

''My plans had always work.''

(A letter that was never sent).

Dear Charlie,

You know dreams are big. Look at the building outside of the window. It's much much bigger than that. Dreams come in all shapes and sizes. Don't give up searching. Mommy has always been there. Wiping your tears when you fell off a bike, stroking your hair while reading any red book that you love so much( You love red apples, red red...anything which was red), feeding you while you were trying to talk like daddy, watching you play football and scored and you doing your famous ritual dance after showering which made me laugh so hard. Daddy wasn't there. Daddy was at home, where he belonged to. Remain friday as an ice cream day. Do it with mommy. She'll make time. Time is precious, Char. When you make time for somebody, it's as pure as faith. 

We all make mistakes in life. We crush people's heart like what you did to mommy when you're 15,  caught smoking in the bathroom. Your mother knows everything. The habit, your facial expression, the girl and the secrets. You must be thinking I was spying on you, putting hidden cameras all over the house. I didn't. I can't even afford to pay the electricity bills at the end of the month. You were so young to understand that life isn't so simple and buying you books and toys on your birthdays were so hard because we just couldn't. You'll be disappointed and I'll be miserable. Then, mommy shouts and I listened to everything she had to say. I took it like a man.  

Sometimes, you don't get the respect and kindness from others. They'll treat you like you're a nobody, wiping their shit whenever they go. People will hurt you. The worst part of life is you hurting yourself. You see yourself in the mirror so stressed up, jobless, a divorcee. You got no appetite to live anymore, the food on the table untouched like the life of yours.. meaningless. Plans don't always work. People will leave you at one point in life. I can't be there for you all the time and same goes to Mommy. Like I said, time is gold. You can't buy time. 

You know, you made me smile everyday when we were a young family, way before Karen. Even the day you ruined my beautiful cabinet record player and I slapped you for that. I forgive you. The day you destroyed my favourite golf stick. I canned you. I forgive you. The day you used my car while you were out intoxicated, driving so fast and destroyed it.Thank God, you live Charlie. I forgive you. You dont't get to say goodbye to me. I get to say goodbye to you. Get it? The day you told me that she left you. You said sorry. I forgive you. 

But the thing is do you forgive yourself, Char? Stop trying to find answers for forgiveness. It's pointless. Forgiving is letting yourself free from all thoughts and moving on with an empty mind. It's not too late to start again. You're still a young adult. Long way to go my boy. You're journey doesn't end here.

Even after I left Mommy, you and Karen mattered most to me. You make sure you take care of her. Even how sad or happy she is, you gotta be there. Family is forever Charlie. Family is everything. Don't forget your roots. And Charlie? Keep writing . That's my advice. I didn't send you to uni to see fuck around with your life. If love is lost, find love on your own by doing what you love then the next step will be yours to decide. I've read your self made book before. Your passion in writing is astonishingly beautiful.

I screwed up Charlie..I screwed up badly. I never knew why life is treating me like a tortured dog starving in a suburban street. When Uncle Jo got me this job which I had no idea it was illegal. He got shot in the head when we couldn't pay up to the masked man. I told him I would pay him if he gave me a week. I was begging, on my knees with a gun pointed at the side of my head. I was shit scared and almost watered in my pants. The money wasn't important. Keeping the family safe matters. So I left. I got drunk. I got murdered.

I'm invisible now. My only wish is to send this letter to my son. There's this white door which is locked and I can't open it. I tried bulldozing it one day but it only made me more sick. I don't know what happened to Charlie. I do want to know but this door just wouldn't let me in.

11

(A small conversation between me and dad in 2005)

''No''

"Why?"

"Look at the sky. It's going to rain any minute now."

"It won't rain Dee. Please."

Dad said no to football practice one day. After multiple annoying whining, the word 'please' and the sunken face, dad gave up and decided to send me to school. I knew it would rain. The sky was gloomy, slowly painting itself with only one colour ; dark brown. The sun was hiding behind the present white clouds. The trees were dancing to the sound of the wind. The security guard, still in his small cubicle room, snoring like always. Dad had a meeting so he had to rush off to his appointment venue after sending me to La salle. I waited at the usual spot beside the library. There were only two students excluding me who came that day. One anonymous guy left. So, it was only me and this guy. The afternoon classes were still going on as usual. The secondary boys. Well, they were as noisy as a photograph from the 19th century. 

Then, it rained. The wind got stronger and we became statues for quite some time until the rain turn into slight drizzles. The school was flooded. The outside was pretty bad. Me and the guy ran like mad dogs around the school, racing among ourselves. We ran fast. Both waited for our dads to pick us when it was time. He went back first. His dad on a motorcycle. Dad picked me up and he didn't ask anything about that. So I remained quiet. He knew I played in the rain. Of course he knew. I was still wet from the crazy ride. He explained it to the family later during dinner. That I remember but with no anger.

Running around like lunatics in Raja Persiaran Muda. It was a happy day. Really it is. I so wanna go back to that time, so so badly.

Brother

I can't get angry with my own brother. I can't do it. As much as I wanna rip his head off at times, I can't. Honestly, he's an ass. A real clown in the family. I envy because I am the one who has that heavy and lazy mouth. Moving an inch is like sprinting from town to KL. Everything changed when we were growing up. No more football session in the garden. No more football lessons. No more basketball lessons. No more of the same interest because he has his noisy drums in his room which is suicidal when I'm having my afternoon naps! Setting an example for the younger ones. That's a quote where parents wish the older sibling swill put up for the younger siblings. I'm the youngest so his message to me is always indirectly because he's always goofing around. I never see him in the day because our timing is different now. My morning is his night and his night is his morning. Plus, he's working now. I always noticed his message that surrounds me. Don't have a life which destroys happiness at any cause or time. Life is hard. Make it easy.

TBYL

T

The long hours of talking on the bed, in starbucks, in the car and etc...It's...really awesome. I'll be there soon. A year. A frigging year. Just wait for me!

Last time I saw my cousin was in 2008. We're almost 19 now and discovered a lot shit while growing up. A whole lot of douchebag stories we exchanged. Her, I can trust. I'll  miss you!

Trees

It's not easy taking family photos. For everyone to get ready is like ... haha

Hotel 66

Dream

The only way for me to communicate with my grandma was in English and she knows little of that language. I think she really made a lot of effort to communicate to me. She did it brilliantly I would say. She took good care of me.. definitely. No matter how mischievous I was, I'm still alive right? I definitely miss her and my grandfather. Although my grandad didn't talk much but I know he's one hell of a guy. Eve of Chinese new year, my aunt brought a small purple luggage. The edges which were made of metal was rusty and the colour was fading.

What's in that purple luggage bag? Priceless photos and a few letters and you might think it's funny but there's also a passport of my late grandfather. I saw the biodata details on the passport. I'm taller than him now ;'). He needs...I need him to see how much this small boy grown to be a 19 year old who is the tallest in the Seah family  but Darren is getting close but I'm still winning (: .

Looking at those photographs..looking at my goofy dad haha. I think in the future maybe the younger ones will say I'm goofy haha. Generation Y and generation X don't click at all. So much of difference.

A lot say I looked like my dad. I don't see the resemblance. I saw the photographs of him when young .Dude, he really looked like my brother when young. The eyes and face structure. I have my mother's eyes but otherwise I don't know. I only noticed the eyes quite some time ago. Quite stupid actually on how I manage to find out but well...ok i shall stop here then haha.

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