Brave heart, Rudy. Brave heart.

81

What is there to feel when your friend has just gone for a bone marrow test after  announcing he has leukaemia a few days ago. I just can’t accept this right now. I just cant. Why? like really why

80

We often look back or ahead too much that we forget to be thankful with what we already have. That’s just one of the saddest thing I can ever experience at the moment ; not enjoying as much as I can with what I already have. We really do take things for granted and only realize our mistake when time is not on our side. I want to change all that. Now.

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

― A.A. Milne

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen. - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

13

We are preoccupied with time. If we could learn to love space as deeply as we are now obsessed with time, we might discover a new meaning in the phrase to live like men. -Edward Abbey

Firstly, Happy New Year! Secondly, I am afraid as time is passing too quickly. I am going for the monotonous role so bear with me.

1)The Fall. It is extremely difficult to get back up walking with the chin up when things start to crash down but I am learning how.

2) Independence. Well, some times, the only solution is within us and not others. It's time consuming but if you found it, the inner strength makes us to do better in any task.

3) Friends. They got your back. They are the best goddamn distraction you'll ever have.

4) Sentimentalist. Everyone is gonna have a sudden emotional breakdown ; in the car, in the room, in the library but it gets better. I don't know how but that's the way it is. It is okay not to be okay.

5) Plans. Not all go according to plans. Even if you have a Plan B or C or D.

6) Movies. I always wanted to be those calm ones, heroes, the successor like the actors in movies - the truth is we're not like them but we can try. We're pretty messed up on the outside but we're definitely, without doubt, beautiful inside.

7) Love. Love is dangerous.

8) Family. I know I don't show much of my love to all my family members but I love them so much. Evenings golf session with my dad is one of the coolest and relaxing thing I've done so far with him.

9) Leaving. They leave but they'll come back. I promise.

10) Have a goal. No wait have more but be realistic at the same time.( telling to myself)

11) Photographs. TAKE AS MANY AS POSSIBLE LIKE THERE'S NO EFFING TOMORROW. You won't regret a year later.

12) Forgive. Honesty. Patience. Kindness. Love. Passion. Working on that.

13) Understand. the people, the place, the history behind everything.

People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. - Kent M. Keith

009

The Six Rules 

1. If you like something because you think other people are going to like it, it’s a sure bet that no one will.
2. Most doors in the world are closed, so if you find one that you want to get into, you damn well better have an interesting knock.
3. Everything that you think is important isn’t. Everything that you think is unimportant is.
4. Don’t shit where you eat.
5. Lean into it. The outcome doesn’t matter. What matters is that you were there for it, whatever ‘it’ is - good or bad.
6. Don’t sleep with people who have more problems than you do.

-People Like Us

56

Dear Hope,

It is horrible to see how things can change in a speed of light. I was watching you smiling the other day as though you were the luckiest person of the day. I have to say you could easily win an award for that playful crooked smile of yours. Then the next day I saw you again, you were frowning. I can’t stop thinking why you were so broken like a priceless porcelain vase accidentally knocked down in a museum. A chain reaction happened and I was sharing the sad thoughts and feelings with you.  

I've heard from a friend of mine that once you’re falling from the top, the seconds are much longer and the hours are worst. It is scary because I think he was absolutely right after seeing you on the second day. And the truth is we are all afraid. We’re afraid of losing someone close to us, afraid of drowning in a pool of failures, afraid of trying something new, afraid to love.

But one day, just one day, it is going to be the opposite. You start rising from the fall. You will..I know you will become stronger, bolder and wiser. There will be a white light shining at the end of the dark tunnel. Sooner or later, you’re going to be part of that white light and everything is going to be alright. Do not let your failures stop you from doing what you believe in. Because I truly believe in you.

Sincerely yours,

Fate

76

“You don’t even need to be in love. Who told you you do? What you need is to be free. What you need is to love. That’s it; that’s your nature. But what you’re really telling me is that you want to be desired. You want to be applauded, to be attractive, to have all the little monkeys running after you. You’re wasting your life. WAKE UP! You don’t need this. You can be blissfully happy without it.”
— Anthony de Mello, “Awareness

Go

You are suppose to keep going, not stop. You shouldn't stop. Don't wait until it destroys you completely. You don't deserve to be broken. Every human are fragile at heart and mind but that doesn't mean you have to take the punches and kicks from your problems.  No matter how horrible things are right now or how bad it seems to be ten days from now, don't give up. Swallow the fear, let it churn in the insides of  your acidic stomach. Well, it is going to ache and of course you will suffer so much that sometimes, you go crazy, you weep, you shout till you don't have a voice.

But have the courage to go through all these burdens because in the end, you sense the difference of different scenarios, feelings, perceptions in life based on the starting line and the finishing line. You control your own happiness and at the same time you control your very own sadness. Increase the joyfulness and let go of all the sorrowfulness, grudges and jealousy.

1

It was just me and that Schnauzer, alone in the living room. That dog is a wonderful listener I must say. I didn’t even bother if it could understand me. I just needed some living creature listening to me because mostly all the humans who are living are already dead inside, like a robot with a customize computer chip placed on the back of their heads, programmed with instructions on what they ought to do.So there I was, whispering to the dog while playing some random tune on the guitar. The dog was lying down on the ground, looking at me thinking how strange I was at night than in the morning. Maybe it is that artificial invisible mask we humans wear everyday. After talking for an hour or so, with tears rolling down from my sleepy eyes to my cheeks, I say no more. I slept. It was just one of the best feeling ever to let everything out and suddenly realize how ridiculous your problems were because there are other people somewhere else in this world who have real and solemn problems which they have no chance to control it. 

I am trying to navigate my flaws to somewhere else but as a sailor, there are strong tidal waves smashing into my robust ship. It wasn’t as compact as before when I first had it. Unfortunately, it is much weaker now but I am really trying to repair every holes and every dented surfaces so I wouldn’t sink beneath the ocean. Because my organs, thoughts and feelings are my crew and I can’t just let them down. I want a sign to really believe that hope and faith is the truth and that it is astonishingly beautiful like an island with so much greenery and golden sand on the grounds whenever I come across it when sailing. I want to travel and experience the external surroundings and will be appreciating every second of it if I was given the chance.

..I kind of realize the next day that whatever I said last night, I couldn’t even remember mostly of what it felt like at that very moment when I was just talking aimlessly. It’s really like champagne where usually people make a toast and drink a full glass of it and that’s it. You enjoy and let it go. You felt it once and you won’t feel it again unless you drink some more. 

2

We all want a time machine like the movie ‘Back to the Future’ where Marty Mcfly proceeds to the future then to the past and in the end, he got what he wanted all along at the present.

But that’s not gonna happen here. It’s one of those days where if there is a chance, you want to give advice to a younger you that this and that is going to happen or seek for the future you and maybe he could give you some advice so you don’t suffer so much and waste precious time dwelling with the thoughts of what it is going to be like ten years from now. Did I succeed in life? Did I have enough money to support my family and my parents? Was I happy? Was it too good to be true?

We can’t rewrite the past, neither can we predict the future. What we have is the present moment so make it a beautiful art. Splash all the colours we have with the thoughts and feelings that make us who we are today. Red. Blue. Indigo. Violet. Gold. Make it a spectrum of colours. Surprise yourself. Surprise everyone.

3

There will be hard times where you will feel completely lost, confused, scared, stressed, lonely or even worst you dont feel anything at all. But remember ‘You’re not alone’. You are part of this world. You have a purpose in life. Find it. Take a chance. Don’t give up. Seek for something that lights up your face with a gorgeous smile every single day. People like that. People would love that. If you could make someone happy just like that, it is a gift that not many people have. Appreciate all that because it makes life more exciting.

4

I don’t know where I am heading and I am quite horrified about the consequences if I don’t make it but I don’t want to tell people that I gave up and lost all forms of hope. I want to tell those kids in the park, those teenagers in school or even the young adults working..just about everyone a story of mine leading to my happiness.

A story like The Sword in the Stone or Samson and Delilah but this story of mine? It’s gonna be one that the whole world will know.

AD , AS

Have you ever wonder what if your life was just like a light bulb. It can be switched on and off depending on a person or maybe a few more. But that is not necessary going to happen forever, isn't it? Once, it is switched on, the bulb could just explode at the spur of the moment without any rhyme nor reason.

What if one day, some drunkard crashed into you when you were on the phone with someone you love and everything just gotten into a real mess that night. You're dead. The tomorrow(s) and yesterdays(s) are gone. Your soul suddenly disperses out of the human body like a snake shading its skin or a young butterfly hatching from its cocoon. How ironic.

Your soul acting like it's you start walking around the city like a blind man without a purpose or direction. Fortunately, you were feeling happy and remembered you were getting married the next day. That adds more sparks into your happiness from a flame on a lighter into a bushfire. You could just hug anyone on and off the street.While walking aimlessly, you saw an ambulance driving hastily and honking to other vehicles, trying to get to the other side of the road where there is a huge group of people gathering. One on the cellphone, two with their mouths covered with their right hands, three with both hands on top of their heads and four with tears dripping like a waterfall. You wonder what could possibly be happening? It's causing the whole damn traffic. So you decided to go there.

When approaching, you recognize your good mate who was going to be your best man tomorrow, standing alone in the crowd so you quickly ran towards him to tell him that you can't wait for tomorrow. Suddenly, your head felt nausea, your legs felt tired, you find it hard to talk and everything was slowly turning into a ray of white light. You shouted '' Drew! Drew!HEY, help me! I can't feel my legs''. Andrew was already crying and started whispering to himself '' I should have been there. I am sorry man. I fucked up. Just wake up and will go to the same coffee shop every Sunday and we'll talk about politics and how the government owes us for being the best mates ever. You are getting married tomorrow for God sake. You can't die. M-m-m-mary  ..Mary loves you so much..JESUS man.. just wake up and get the bloody move on. ''.

 You stopped in front of him and said ''I ..am right..here'' and when you looked down.You finally were a single wave of this ocean of people. What your beautiful soul, Andrew and the pedestrians saw? You.

The Architect

An architect design houses for people. Well, my brother design smiles for people with his annoyingly funny jokes. He has been like that all the time. He never chose to grow up. Sometimes you want that from somebody because they are naturally happy even when they are through rough times. I want that. I want the comical act and words from his mouth,  his drumming hands and drawing hands.. but I’ll stick to myself.

The most stable in the family. Courageous. Helpful. Strong. Wise. Religious. Funniest.

Have a safe flight. Get that Scottish slang and make the whole family proud. I’ll see you soon my brother.

High

 I don't know, I just feel like I should just stop thinking about it, you know, but I can't. Maybe I've seen too many movies, you know.

But there's this tiny little voice saying let go darling let go and... So I did.

4 legs

My dog currently has a poor heart condition and can't seem to walk at the moment. Today, the veterinarian and her assistant came to the house and did what they gotta do. It was so difficult to keep the dog calm because it was a really big dog. My mom and Ryan had to comfort him. Everyone was drenched in rain for at least an hour trying to lift the dog to the cage so that the doctor could do a blood test and inject with some painkiller and also because the dog needed shelter.

My pet dog whom I know since forever,my best friend. Although he gets mad when the postman delivers the mail, although he poops and pee where ever he likes; sometimes the garden, sometimes at the porch,. Although he chews on multiple slippers and the breath like wine :). Anger is an option. I can control it. I love my dog and when nobody was around , I usually walk outside of the house and sit on the bench and talk to the rascal. Usually it will sit  beside me and just look at the cars passing by. Then, I will complain all the shit I have gone through. How ridiculous an asshole can be or how life is unfair.

It was so sad seeing the dog laying side ways, trying so hard to get up. Even to do his 'business', he managed to crawl itself to the garden but still there were some stain of pee and faeces on it's legs.This suddenly made me think of Tuesdays with Morrie for some reason.

I almost cried under the pouring rain..or maybe I already did but the rain just covered it. I was just holding a red umbrella, praying and did what the vet asked me to do.

Talk about humans..What about animals?

Desire

Can you keep a secret? Can you keep a secret Rudy? Or do you ignore the questions popping out from every angle inside your head till you could vomit all the questions swimming through your head but still without an answer. But then ask yourself. Is it worth sacrificing for? Is it worth dying for? Coming back to reality, you saw a dying man, so blissful but he had to go. Why do the people like him who has every right to live dies when they're so comfortable with everyone he meets? And the people who gave up long time ago get to live? It's like God saying ''No kid you're not done yet. There are still brighter days for you to grab hold of. There are beautiful skies, extraordinary landscapes, wonderful people and so much things to do.''

Sometimes you feel like you deserve a punch right at the face to avoid negative thoughts from spilling out from the mouth. The friends might say don't be stupid. An old man would have said go ahead kid because he knows very much that he would do anything to be young again. I just don't get it. You think your hurt but you're not. It's all a test. You deserve so so much more. Why is it so hard to be as happy as those children laughing when an adult does a funny face gesture. I want that back. I just don't get myself. I do want to learn but I want to learn fast so I can put all those stupid miseries aside and start fresh.

I don't want to be just like everybody else. I want to be different. Even if my plans are failing, just let me hope that this plan works because this is the only one I have right now. If I had another one, maybe I'll take into consideration, so for now just let me be hopeful. Even if I keep a thousand of bottles filled with my tears, I am hopeful one day, I would be so happy that everywhere I go, the light shines on me and it spreads like a huge mirror to others so they could smile no matter how dull or shitty that day is for them. They deserve it. You deserve it.