Part II

Nostalgic Prince Charming

It wasn't suppose to be this hard you know, life. One day you are that five year old Prince Charming who is addicted to only dark Cadbury chocolate with sweet black raisins hidden within solidified milk,  cocoa and butter; not forgetting fizzy drinks where I would shake the aluminium can vigorously to annoy the beast living inside that would unleash some gruesome gassy bubbles once I have opened it.
Often I would discard any edible stuff that is related to the colour orange and green. Yucky stuffs I would say. They call it salad if you mix the colours with each other with mayonaise. If you are lucky there will be the colour of red and purple juxtaposing each other. I swear to God the smell was similar to a skunk emitting the rotten liquid odour that will last for a thousand years and its taste will be worst than vomit.

I remember clearly when I was a child, my parents would take me to New Heights Theme Park near Avenue Forth Street away from the bustling city. Both kings and queens with their little prince returning to their kingdom where excitement, tranquility and freedom were measureless, limitless and the throne belong to everyone who enter the massive front door that says ' Welcome Home'. It is true. It was home. My beloved home. I could spend there for hours even days if my parents had not mentioned dinner time to me because I couldn't feel the hunger for food or the thirst for water because they were brilliant distractions - the cotton candy machines, the bumper cars, the ferris wheel, mini roller coaster  ride for kids. 

The only thing I was scared of was going to the dentist. I hated Mr. Clearwater for drilling people's teeth. Can't he see that he is hurting people. It is awful to look at peoples' faces holding their sore jaw as they walk out from his torture chamber. My dad had to extract a teeth one day and I had to follow him  since we were going to the park but I remained outside at the reading corner because it was better that way. After when my dad came out, he smiled crookedly. 'How was it dad?' I asked. He replied 'Like an ant bite kiddo.' I jerked a little when he said that.

Deep Thoughts from Prince Charming 

Trying to revive a memory from our yesterdays is just like saving a patient's live from an unknown disease. It's hard I know. It will take forever but sometimes if we are lucky, the memory will somehow crawl its way back to us suddenly and helplessly just like a sudden hurricane in Texas. The whirlwind dragging along from roots and dead leaves, then magnetising branches and other parts of the trees and subsequently, forming a massive eucalyptus tree which represents the growth of memories that were  lost deep within our galactic rainforest that will show up out of the blue into our  pair of eyes. We will daydream with sunlight pouring onto our faces as we gaze out at the transparent glass window at our homes, subconsciously collecting fragments of memories like colourful legos ready to be build into a vivid movie scene. After that, we will reminiscence and realise how much we want to go back to the past. We will be desperately demanding and seeking for an explanation or will be bidding for something even better- Wanting back our love ones who were once everything to us. Wanting them back into our lonely pair of arms and fragile hearts. Some had it bad, some worst, some had it good, some better but it doesn't matter how it impacted our lives for God sake. 

The past is bitter, it is really like someone dying and you want them back so badly but you just can't. It's an unforgiven sin that you can't change. You just have to keep your chin up because it is impossible. Just like a memory dying. But look on the bright side. There is still so much of love to be felt, so much of happiness and kindness to clean someone's soul, so much of forgiving to be done. It will not take minutes nor hours to rule out something important like this. It takes years so we will  eventually learn and appreciate it. We will learn the hard way so we have brighter days to look for, amazing people to be with and one day, something extraordinary beautiful about us will influence millions around the world to feel what's like to be a someone nonchalant, jubilant and anti-tremulous again. 

The Present, The Future

A conclusion? An end to a book? Just know that I did not die that day. I manage to get proper sleep till today. I couldn't pull the trigger of that shiny silver harmonica pistol at that time. It was definitely a God's test and I truly believe everything happens for a reason. I didn't want to be a lonely ghost in a small town. I wanted to be Mr Cyrus Paxton living in a big city of another country, working hard and earning more than the world could offer. Maybe one day you could see me at the Ferremount Station with the same old rugged look or maybe it was just someone who looked like me or was it my very own ghost? (Hints: I am already 38 so that is obviously not me but I like leaving something behind so the people living in that small town will still talk about until forever. Let it be a myth or a legend or whatever) because everyone thought I was dead even my parents except for my wife of course. Mrs Olivia Paxton, a dentist just like her dad. FYI Dentists still scare the shit outta me. What I do for a living? I am a writer.. writing this to you. 

Part I

Cyrus was that sort of boy who was very cheeky and had a flirtatious habit with other girls around town. He knows girls will fall for that cuteboytalkingtoyousotalk trap. But being the light hearted young boy is just one side of a story, he can also be very cryptical at times. Most people just do not know much about him. He will just wander off instantaneously after school to the Ferrermount Train Station boarding a train without a ticket, without a direction. He never got caught before which was strange because he has been doing this for almost 4 years now. Nobody knows where he usually goes. You see him in the morning and he magically disappears in the afternoon and at night, it is a different darker story. Cyrus always keeps an old fairytale book about the 'The Tale of Young Matilda' given to him on his 11th birthday from his mother before a tragic accident happened to his family. He stays with his aunt after that horrendous incident. (But enough of the past. Lets go to the present). 

August 29th 1998- In an energetic voice pumped out from Cyrus's voice cord ''One day homo sapiens..one day you'll see. I'm gonna be on this roller coaster flying through thin air and maybe I'll see God taking a piss on his holy seat up on the clouds and I'll be shouting ''Surprised yet?~! I can go wherever and whenever I want to.'' After a few laughs, he changed from his frivolous face into a serious looking one, watching the continuous addition of seconds on his plastic digital watch ''Tick- tock Tick- tock. But time is a bitch you see. Can't await till I am gone''. His friends usually ignored him because he does these meaningless talks every morning at 9am before class but Olivia who usually sits beside him in class overheard him that day as she was walking towards her seat. ''Gone? Where are you heading to?'' He cooly replied ' Ah Ms. Olivia Clearwater. Things like these are often kept away from strangers  but for you I'll say New York although it may be untrue ''. Everybody knew he likes her. ''Whatever Cyrus. I don't need to know'' She cut him off immediately.

September 1st 1998- Cyrus came into the classroom in a completely unusual way. He didn't sleep for days judging by the huge eye bags he had that day. He was pale looking and was completely frightened just about everything- peoples' gaze, loud noises from vehicles, his friends, teachers. You could see his green forest eyes had tragically turned into blotchy red slowly burning the forest down, both wrists were coloured with blue-black bruises and freshly painted with bright red scars where certain marks were still bloody.  A 'Scary Colourful Boy'. Olivia noticed it immediately and whispered ''Pssstt Cyrus. What happened to your hand?''. He suddenly breathed in-out heavily and rhythmically. Tears and sweat were dripping down from his face. He was looking at Olivia now. He then left the classroom hastily and aggressively slamming the door behind him. It left Olivia astonished but she remained seated.

September 11th 1998- Cyrus officially went missing on this date. His aunt called the police a few days before. Just an ordinary guy who went missing one day out of the blue. Stern-looking sherifs in their dull beige uniforms came to Olander High School asking all students in every class if they had seen Cyrus's last whereabouts and also useful information to begin their search but failed. On the very same day, the whole town began searching for this missing 18 year old boy. A large group of sheriffs, each took their search-and-rescue dogs around town searching thoroughly for this lost charming boy. It went on and on for several days.

September 20th 1998- Olivia found a letter pasted on the outside of her room window and a book wrapped in red paper placed on a stool outside her balcony. It was from him. She read the letter and cried and cried. She sat at one corner of her room, unmoved and untouched. She opened the first page of the book. It had a quote. The sun was brightly shinning through the window that day but that couldn't heal the sadness from her soul. She didn't tell anyone until on his birthday which was instructed in the letter. 

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.” 
― A.A Milne

The Letter For The Yellow Summer Dress Girl 

Don't bother searching for me right now or tell anyone. Where you asked the other day? Usually I tell lies to people 'California! Rome! Paris! The thing is I don't know. I really don't know. But I know now. I am going to a place where I will hear the laughter of my brother and sister as my mom and dad are swaying gracefully to their wedding song beside a lake where the grass are green as ever, the trees too are dancing to the beautiful melody and the mundane orange sun, not too hot shinning gloriously, creating diamonds on the surface of a beautiful mirror lake. I could picture my mom dressed beautifully in a long white dress, her face thick with make up matching her Ruby coloured lipstick and my dad in a blue tuxedo, looking like a movie star, hair styled like James Dean. The song playing not so loud 'Let me play among the stars..let me see what spring is like ...in other words, baby kiss me.' They were both smiling at each other the whole time. Olivia, everywhere I go, people's happiness destroys me deeply except for my version of my parents dancing. 

Do you ever feel like the people above are calling for you to see them as soon as you are ready? My dad always said 'You are ready when you are ready' Well, Olivia I am ready. I am so ready. Now is the time. So the details are below. Please be on time. I don't like to be kept waiting.  

P.S. Sorry you had to see me in such a mess the other day. Make sure you give the letter to my aunt ON MY BIRTHDAY. 24th September. 

T.A.F

The thing about feelings. It is like an enormous hexagonal shaped diamond plant in our heart. It functions brilliantly if people just let it be because it shines, producing a spectrum full of colours helplessly whenever sunlight travels into the object. Just like the emotions from our heart when a scenario had happened-A furious and stressful father, a scared and nervous brother going for war and a loving mom kissing a child's forehead before he sleeps. All of these creates something beautiful in life. There will be ups and downs, fairness and unfairness, life and death, love and hate but life is full of surprises. Life is like a road trip. Life is like going into a supermarket without any shopping list and just getting items you never thought of. Life is like a black bird flying wherever it can- north, south, east, west.

But once there was a man who told his son'' Toughen up boy! Boys do not cry. It embarrasses me that you are fucking weak''. So he did what everyone would automatically do right after having been told off by his own father. He stopped crying, cared less and ignored the consequences thinking he is a brave man with a metallic heart...not forgetting buried feelings. Every question asked by his dad was always a '' Yes/No sir or Yes/No Mr''. He was more like an employee than a son. It went on like this for a long time because when we were young, your dad was a superman. Your dad was someone special on a rare baseball card. Your dad was a celebrity on the Oprah Winfrey show.

Then, one day after coming back from university, he saw his old man cried in the general hospital. The mother/wife has just died due to a brain tumour. That point of time, tears were streaming down his porcelain face. The tears flowed like a waterfall till it turned into drops, dripping internally and gently to the metallic heart. The metals were slowly ripping apart till the heart can be seen glowing. The warmth, guilt and pleasant feeling. After awhile, it shone so bright like a set of fireworks lit up at night during a new year. The son, Jamie hugged his dad and told his dad '' It's alright dad.'' They remained like that for a few minutes. Both of them didn't want to let go of each other. They suddenly thought of their son/brother who never came back after the war too. This is real they thought. It wasn't a bad dream. 

A Speech At The Funeral.

''..I was wrong, J. So wrong. Every man has the right to feel whatever they want...My wife, my lover, you'll be home..where the heart is''. He pointed up to the sky with his index finger and looked at the mourners for a few seconds. ''We bury and neglect every feeling inside thinking it is wise decision to do so. We usually engulf the sadness and only give a smirk when we are happy. All those feelings will eventually develop a heavy chest. It is like drinking vast amount of whisky but instead of fucking up the liver. It is destroying the heart. When sunlight travels into a piece of diamond, a burst of colours are formed..just like feelings pumped out from the heart. Enjoy that moment when it is at bliss, make it a lesson when you are disappointed or sad. Just let it be. You are not man enough? No that's not right. Are you human enough to have felt it?'' 

Brave heart, Rudy. Brave heart.

Reminder

Was stargazing under a full moon after the automated lights were switch off. The guys started distributing their candy wrappers to one another and started puffing in the dark. It really looked like fireflies. So there we were, joking and laughing till our stomachs ache from laughter and ‘crazy’. It was perfect.

D.C.

''It is difficult to talk about the what ifs and should bes in life to your ownself, it takes forever. Believe me, I tried. Don't fret because it gets better. I am gonna tell you a story on how I survived this great disaster. This story is gonna make you feel infinite. This story is going to be like a tsunami wave crashing towards you and you manage to survive it. This story is gonna make you wanna jump when no one is looking from the tallest building in the city of angels and you survive it. But now is not the time. P.S. I am a good liar, ''said Charlie

(''I have just five minutes to change your mind eh, Charlie? Be patient Charlie. Let me speak. Let patience flow through your veins, arteries and nerves. Let patience not play mind games with you anymore and let patience wash away the sympathies, regrets and agonies. I see the scars all over your hand buddy. Silence is one hect of a scary sound when you are alone but sometimes you just have to keep calm and understand the whole situation because it is not your fault. It is never your fault that she died. Blame me, Charlie or blame the fucking plumbers who always get the pipes wrong in our house. Hey Hey!! Look here, Charlie. Look here not there. People don't know it that but I do. ''

''It hurts..Stop this pain,'' cried Charlie

''I know it does. I also know if you are thinking whatever you're thinking right now, it gets worse.
So hang in there buddy. Hope is this thin rope holding us from believing some miracle would come save us one day because I know just how deep the cut is. Stop closing all these doors, stop asking questions that no one can answer because the thoughts will just grab you away from reality. Stop tying that rope around your neck, and hand it over. Believe Charlie. Believe in yourself. Have hope in your eyes and faith in your guts. Stay with me. Everything breaks but you don't have to. Just know that if you have a toolbox with a customised screwdriver and a wooden hammer, I'll fix you even if it takes forever. It is never too late.  '')

Charlie Smith

Still too young.

16 June 1993 - 6 April 2013

98

I am a dying star. You might think stars do not have a heart. I solemnly suggest you to think again. When they have a broken heart, they glow. When they have a strong heart, they shine. Just at the central core, right in the middle.. Voilà! - An orange beating heart filled with energy.

I am trapped in this deep black hole, unmoved, untouched, frightened and depressed. There's a creepy and scruffy looking man who is here too. He's all white - hair, beard and weird looking moustache. He usually sweeps away the fallen stardust deteriorating from my glowing body. He wears dirty old clothes and likes to mutter things to himself consistently. I once asked '' Hey Mister, nice to meet ya. I am...''. That was the end of my first attempt to speak to him because he shouted at me or maybe to himself. I don't know. It was complicated. I just know that he was mad that I interrupted him while he was mumbling words like Lord...I didn't...survive.. I nicknamed him '' Mad Whitey'' after that.

One day when Whitey was asleep not far from me. I tried my second attempt to talk to him. I said softly ''Got a hobby Whitey?''. No response from him so I decided to talk to him pretending he was listening to me anyway ( but maybe he was). ''I used to fly around the whole galaxy acknowledging the milky way, destroying asteroids as I glide pass through different planets-Pluto, Jupiter, Mars. One thing about humans- they fancy me flying across their planet. They like pointing at me with their index finger and    will usually ask someone to make a wish. I really like that. The belief and hope they have on me when they see me floating in the sky makes me extraordinary. And now it is time to go. Time to leave. Time to say goodbye to you, my old friend. ''

Whitey suddenly got up slowly at the same time rubbing his fake sleepy eyes. He sat facing me, legs crossed and with great posture. He responded with ease '' My dear oh dear boy. This is not it. This is not how the story ends. It is an end ... to one chapter but.. there is another chapter and another. Life is full of surprises. Don't you forget that. You are with me now. Don't worry Twinkle. You were lost and I found you. I'll guide you, I'll protect you child. ''

He kissed my forehead and we walked through this white wooden door. I felt relieve for once because everything was normal. Normal is good. Normal is great. Suddenly tears start streaming down my face. I wiped off the tears using both of my hands and I looked at him for a few long seconds. I smiled crookedly and whispered ''It is happiness.'' He nodded and left with a cheeky smile.

I wasn't around to see this but Whitey told me there are now hundreds of stars happily shinning as bright as a supernova. Every night. Every hour. Every minute. Every second without fail. This was not the end.