White Light

I think of all times we have been switching to godknows how many different treatments in various incidents, there will be a trend of what’s going to happen next. After an unfixed period of time (it may be a year or so), the doc is going to say the same thing with a straight face, ‘The drug is not working anymore’. If you are lucky enough, he may paraphrase a few words or arrange the sentence structure so that the not so good news can rest on top of our heads gently and lightly.

And when money is involved in these kind of situations, knowing that there are so many existing debts to pay such as the ineffective drugs, insurance, referrals, PET scans, blood tests etc, it is time to realize that the presence of the bad times are really happening.

'It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light' - Aristotle Onassis

Reminder

On Tuesday, I was driving back from office in the city centre late at night in a rush state as usual to home. The roads were emptier than usual as if The Sandman did his job perfectly whereby everyone had already gone to bed and were sleeping soundly, ready for the next day. The orange coloured beam from street lights shone onto the straight highway road, the engine roaring loudly in my car as the adometer's arrow pointed to 170km/h and everything else were wandered through the tight space of the car.

Then, I shifted my attention to the music that was playing on the radio. It was the beginning of U2's I Still Havent Found What I'm Looking For. So I started humming the song at first and then started singing throughout the entire song. I knew the lyrics well but just on that day, the lyrics were so expressive and it felt like I knew exactly what the singer was really singing about.The music that night was melodious, calming and it just brought about the sentimental state of myself. Whilst listening to the music being played, I slowed down the car and moved to the second lane throughout the entire song. After it finished, a heavy downpour of thoughts started filling up my head.

I realized that I was so caught up with work and the social experiment I would like to call it that I have really avoided all cost of events that were ‘real’ and happening to me. But music…music is magic. It sends us a reminder to tell ourselves who we are at the end of the day.

Passion

"If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on." - Steve Jobs

“When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You look into the reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or our family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and arguments. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change.” — Thich Nhat Hanh 

Captured Stars

I)

I once read about fireflies when I was younger in a magazine at a café nearby Victoria Street. Mom was with her friends conveying mundane information about her latest beauty products to her potential customers from another town. I was usually situated at the corner of the shop eating countless pastries by myself. Frankly speaking, I was a fat kid back then until one day, my father decided that enough is enough. Dad was in the army so he treated me like a soldier from the next day onwards. One time, he threw a bucket of ice cold water on me because I was stubborn enough to play dead on the bed. Well, not literally but you get what I mean.

That day I remembered flipping through the pages of the magazine as swiftly as possible to think that I could read faster than anyone in the coffee shop. As I was catching up to the speed of sound, something mesmerizing caught my attention. I stopped at that specific page and took a long glance at a beautiful picture of a lightning bug. One of the passage mentioned that light was radiated by the firefly’s abdomen called the ‘lantern’. I was amazed about how beautiful it was because these tiny little creatures exist like floating lanterns moving around aimlessly in the garden at our backyard.

From that day onwards, I would routinely sneak out from my room past midnight and try to catch them using just a small torchlight and an empty strawberry jam jar. I'll be running around at night with the intention that I was catching stars in the garden. The night used to be like a fairytale dream and I wished that every night will be longer than the mornings we all have everyday. When I was tired of chasing these so called stars, I would sit on the wooden staircase leading up to my dwelling. Subsequently, I would form a circle using all my fingers on my right hand to portray it as the lens of a camera where my right eye could see through the hollow area clearly. My left thumb, positioned as high as my shoulders will then move up and down while the rest of the fingers fold inwards of the palm. The notion was to pretend that I was taking multiple snapshots of the harmless fireflies with an imaginary camera. Till today, I wonder where did it all go. I miss my eyes turning into diamonds when I see fireflies. I miss the nights where it will be so quiet till you could hear the harmonic sound of nature. I miss the sound of the wind howling and hidden species behind the bushes and trees. I miss the fantasy I had visioned when I was younger. Maybe that was it. I went past a different cycle in life.

II)

A good remembrance into the past was all I needed while having a smoke as I sat on the same exact spot on the staircase. Without anyone looking, I tried to snap photograph memories again through my green eyes but the spark within me was long gone. I even did the exact same gestures like I used to when I was much smaller but nothing felt the same anymore. So I went back daydreaming till another set of memories flood through the gates of my present sight. I was suddenly back to the same place but in a different time.

Nights during that period were a little bit chilly because it was already close to winter. I reminisced that the lights around the whole neighbourhood suddenly went out leaving us in total darkness. It was because of a power shortage. The situation had been occurring consistently nowadays due to the poor management of the local council in town. My dad and mom went out to help the homeless people on the streets by giving them warm clothes to sleep in. Once they left, my young brother and I, both lit a cigarette each so that we would be able to occupy sufficient 'oxygen' in our body system. After that, we went to check on Mr. Davidson. He was a 72 year old man who lived by himself in his cottage behind our house. He was a kind and generous man who always gave us vintage cigars imported from Italy when we visited him. He used to always say ‘You boys oughta stop smoking now’. But eventually, a standard small box of 8 cigars would appear in my hands. 

At most, my brother and I would stay approximately 15 minutes talking to him until he starts shooing us away. When we returned to our house, we immediately tried the brown covered aromatic cigars that would replenish my whole body with something extra special. We then will pretend we were fireflies at night and would usually walk in circles or dance in a made-up tribal way in the garden with other fireflies around us under a thick blanket of faded grey clouds. Some times, I wonder whether the fireflies believed that the ignited cigars were one of them because it seems that the glowing orange colour were kind of similar to the lights emitted by them.

III)

It is publicly known that my brother and I were not the talkative kind compared to other siblings in town. We never fought since young and had always showed respect towards each other. There was always a mutual understanding amongst us but mostly people assumed we hated each other. No we do not hate each other. How could you say something like that. I love my brother. I still remember that night visibly because that was the night everything changed. I recalled telling him just one sentence that made him happy and sad at the same time.

‘Tonight, we are gonna be the youngest we’ll ever be....but tomorrow, we grow up okay?’. He couldn't help but cried and nodded his head.

Memories like these burn like hell in me but I still keep it anyway. Once I regained my consciousness, I walked out slowly from the dwelling and promised to never sell the house to anyone.

"Well, let’s say that since you were little, you always dreamed of getting a lion. And you wait, and you wait, and you wait, and you wait but the lion doesn’t come. And along comes a giraffe. You can be alone, or you can be with the giraffe."
“I’d wait for the lion.”
“That’s why I worry about you.” - Beginners, 2010 

"Hush, my sweet. These tornadoes are for you." - Richard Siken 

"Meanwhile in my head I’m undergoing open-heart surgery." - Anne Sexton