Why are you so far from saving me? - Psalm 22 

Reminder

''Everything that you think is important isn't. Everything that you think is unimportant is.''

Bees and Sunflowers

I was at Chapter 9: The Talent Show of an undisclosed 1940s novel which I had stolen from an old fashioned bookstore at the corner of Claymore street, just opposite of Claire Street. The cover of the book was plain dark blue with the title of the book engraved on it in golden sunlight as ‘All About the Stars’, the pages were light coffee brown and had bright orange stains at the edge of all pages as if it had survived from a burning library. I pictured myself as a king-size bee succumbed to a pool of irresistible sweet nectar from a golden sunflower, having already read three chapters midway of a 4 hours train ride journey to the other side of town to meet someone special to me which I had not seen for years.

As I got up from my reading mantra, I caught a long glimpse of my surrounding in this old  train travelling to Doncaster. A grumpy old man was swearing at everyone at the end of the train, half of the riders were pretending to sleep so that others would not disturb them except for the ticket inspectors of course, there was a young couple kissing their hearts out under the no kissing sign, there was a guy speaking loudly on the phone in french because he had missed his flight due to the usual delay of the trains into the city and a group of kids who suddenly started dancing on the blue cushioned seats to a R&B song by a local artist played on the train through the ancient tech speakers.

Then I switched my attention to this bubbly little girl who started dancing where she was, beside her mother on the other side of the train just after she  had observed the same bunch of kids dancing but as soon as the group of kids left the train to their destination, she immediately stopped and sat down quietly without showing any signs of thrill. I looked at her and asked myself, 'Why do humans behave this way?', I wanted to tell her 'Don't stop, dance if you feel like it'. The special thing about mothers is that they have natural instinct to their children. I noticed the mother was keeping an eye on her since the very beginning simultaneously reading the papers about a politician who hung himself. The mother elegantly put down the newspaper on her lap and calmly took out her set of house keys that has a plastic flashlight attached to it.

She intentionally knocked the flashlight onto her right palm as though the batteries were dysfunctional and with that gesture, the lights perhaps will be brighter even before turning it on. She pressed the button and shined a ray of light upon her child as though it was a blessing, to make her child to feel better and ...it did. Her child quickly closed her eyes tightly and produced a smile so natural that everyone wanted it. 

The mother kissed her daughter’s head and continued to whisper into her daughter's ears ,  “If you can’t find the sunshine, then go on be the sun, Rosie”.

Seeking Rest

We were a group of freedom fighters ready to uncover hidden gems on a clandestine island. We were lost souls seeking rest from one of Mother Nature’s place of birth. We were pieces of a memory ready to be written in journals/letters for the first time about our travels. Well, there is something about travelling and exploring that gives us that adrenaline rush that moves us and during that time, it felt like we needed to do this forever and ever till we grow old.

We were thirsty for that anxiety when looking down at the rippled waters of the ocean from above the high rocks, that calm pleasure of having to watch the best view of what God has to offer to our blessed souls and also not forgetting the small things; whether it was that cold breeze touching our faces from the high mountains, the smell of rainwater from the waterfall or the honoured battle scars all over our bodies.

There were days when the conversations had gone so deep into the ocean of thoughts. We were all immersed in the deep blue waters of dialogues during the day and night. The exchanges we had with one another gave all of us that intangible sentimental light above our heads like halos on top of the head of guardian angels. We could talk about anything and everything that comes to our mind. The ideas and philosophical differences we have shared amongst each other during the long drive or scenic places had made us vulnerable to the many things life can offer if we just take a chance. 

Smile

Last Sunday, I decided to volunteer at Shelter Home in PJ to bring about some Christmas spirit to the kids at the welfare organization. Shelter Home was established in 1981 to help out kids who were abused, neglected or at-risk children.There were five boys that I really got close to and oh god how mischievous they were towards everyone including myself at first. They were around the age of somewhere between 8 to 12 years old.

One of the boys asked me to help him comb his hair  and it was a little nerve-wrecking because the head of department was just beside me so as calmly as I can, I styled his hair. When lunch came in the form of pizza and garlic breads, Tom quickly pulled me to the dining table and asked me to sit beside him. Then, there were squabbles between the boys as to where I would sit. I was silent then because I was in the state of nostalgia for a few seconds, recalling how I was exactly like one of them in terms of how they reacted, how they tried to convince me etc.It is like one of those rarest days whereby someone elderly would come by and immediately becomes the coolest person you probably know and hopefully you will be him/her someday. And once he/she is by your side, that person needs to teach you, just you about everything you need to be as James Dean as possible.

I also taught the five boys a secret handshake my friends and I used to greet each other during high school, which we still practice till today. It was heart-warming just watching them teach their friends at that time. When I was leaving, Jun hugged me a few times and asked me when I was coming back. I told him, ‘Very soon, Jun’ and he responded swiftly ‘How soon?’. Don’t know how to respond so I just played with his hair gently and slowly thought of what I was going to say. I mentioned ‘You gotta be good okay, you’re a very nice person and soon enough, I’ll come by so you have to remember this handshake’.

Their smiles shared with me on that day made me realise how happy I was when I was with the boys. Before I slept that night, I tried to reflect on whether I did a good thing for them and hopefully I did the best for them because I believe that karma takes us somewhere really far in life. For myself to get so close to them on that day without expecting anything in return made perfect sense why people should come here more often. As damaged as they already were from building relationships and trust, people just come and go. 

I really hope the impact the volunteers made on that day had settled down into the kids' head and heart. I want them to know that there are good people still around willing to lend a helping a hand. I want them to know that the world is not as cruel as they might imagine. 

(The names of the boys are made up due to particular reasons.)

White Light

I think of all times we have been switching to godknows how many different treatments in various incidents, there will be a trend of what’s going to happen next. After an unfixed period of time (it may be a year or so), the doc is going to say the same thing with a straight face, ‘The drug is not working anymore’. If you are lucky enough, he may paraphrase a few words or arrange the sentence structure so that the not so good news can rest on top of our heads gently and lightly.

And when money is involved in these kind of situations, knowing that there are so many existing debts to pay such as the ineffective drugs, insurance, referrals, PET scans, blood tests etc, it is time to realize that the presence of the bad times are really happening.

'It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light' - Aristotle Onassis

Reminder

On Tuesday, I was driving back from office in the city centre late at night in a rush state as usual to home. The roads were emptier than usual as if The Sandman did his job perfectly whereby everyone had already gone to bed and were sleeping soundly, ready for the next day. The orange coloured beam from street lights shone onto the straight highway road, the engine roaring loudly in my car as the adometer's arrow pointed to 170km/h and everything else were wandered through the tight space of the car.

Then, I shifted my attention to the music that was playing on the radio. It was the beginning of U2's I Still Havent Found What I'm Looking For. So I started humming the song at first and then started singing throughout the entire song. I knew the lyrics well but just on that day, the lyrics were so expressive and it felt like I knew exactly what the singer was really singing about.The music that night was melodious, calming and it just brought about the sentimental state of myself. Whilst listening to the music being played, I slowed down the car and moved to the second lane throughout the entire song. After it finished, a heavy downpour of thoughts started filling up my head.

I realized that I was so caught up with work and the social experiment I would like to call it that I have really avoided all cost of events that were ‘real’ and happening to me. But music…music is magic. It sends us a reminder to tell ourselves who we are at the end of the day.